[ssf] dda vii)
adam
adam at diamat.org.uk
Fri Aug 21 05:12:13 BST 2009
vii) sweet thing
azadeh started singing that day
to her own surprise
she'd always been a big reader
and was able to confuse herself
easily in time and space
and get in to the characters
of an unfolding story
she imagined being on board,
one of the hijacked jets
why there, rather than on a beach
somewhere, is a matter of speculation
in deed, prior to consensus
some commentators stock in trade
was to query whether, azadeh's work
was nothing other, than just one
very long, suicide note
azadeh used to giggle at the thought
in memory of her mother's usual comment
when ever her dad had sang 'all my colours'
around the house, when she was young ...
'don't you know any happy songs'
'yes, shimbo
this is one of them
it's far happier
than a lot i know'
... just as it is known
that many contemplated
what their own reactions would have been
and imagined themselves to be
a character playing a part
on that fateful september day
it is equally well known
that many people felt angry also
in azadeh's imagined entrapment
she throw a virtual toffee hammer
first at the head of the dominant male
bad guy, and then in disgust
at one of the many windows
which of course, were pressurised ...
... but it wasn't a real toffee hammer
that she lobbed repetitively with her mind,
on the holodeck of the crashing jet
whilst dancing in her kitchen
for part of her mind
was back on a train journey
when she'd seen a glass encased hammer
mounted on the carriage wall
and asked --
'what's that for'
'it's a toffee hammer' -- had replied her mother
'ye mam's messing luv
it's to brek that window
in case of emergencies' -- had said her dad
'why'
'why what sweetheart'
'why would anybody want to break that window'
'look at it ...' -- said her mother --
'... just look at it
i want to break it now
it's obviously not been cleaned
and as for this table top ...'
-- her dad giggled
and said to aza --
'we best be careful
she'll be breking us next'
-- aza giggled too, and asked --
'is there any toffee daddy'
'no luv, just in yer mam's head
why, do you fancy some,
or is that a daft question'
'i haven't got toffee in my head'
'no aknow luv, but it you who's got
the toffee hammer in there
somewhere, so you can
understand the confusion'
'what emergencies daddy
like a fire'
'well maybe, or just one
where we couldn't get out
through the doors, so we decided
to try the windows
like er, a crash i guess'
'yes, like i say
toffee hammer, look at it
neither use nor ornament'
'chomp'
-- says aza's dad
passing over a small wrapped
chocolate covered toffee
to her, she unpeels it
and happily obeys --
'what'
-- says aza's dad to her mam
who is now staring a hole
in him --
'they're only small
and it's gonna be
a long journey
init'
'where did you get that from'
'a shop'
'when'
'in the past
have got another
if you want it
or is that a daft question'
'yes, swine'
'chomp
i think aknow what you're thinking though
about that hammer, it's very light
you'd rather see a sledge up there wunt ya
but it has does have a point'
'so does a tooth pick
-- replied her mother
tapping the nail of her left index finger
against the table top --
'careful sweetheart
that table's minging'
-- aza giggled --
'swine'
'chomp, aza do you know
you could propel this straw
through a brick wall, if you knew
what you were doing, and gave it enough force
it's pointy enough, here, feel this
tell me when it begins to hurt'
'ow'
'oh sorry honey, but you see what i mean
we could hurt that window too, if we wanted to
with a point and enough force behind it'
-- aza's mother took the straw
and stabs the window with it ...
... the straw buckles --
'woh, what's the window
ever done to you ...'
-- sez her dad --
'... dunt hurt it
is it because of all the finger prints'
'no, but that's why i'm using a straw
has you would say, it's minging ...'
-- replies her mam --
'but you could never push this straw through glass
you'd be hard pushed to pierce your book with it'
'yea aknow, but i know it could be done'
-- states her dad --
'bollocks'
-- states her mam, and then
looking up from her knitting
and directly into the eyes
of anyone watching, and the ears
of anyone listening --
'oh, pardon my french'
'they hung a monkey in hartlepool allegedly
because they thought he was a french man,
some folk
have very powerful imaginations you know'
'what of it'
'nayowt, but it just shows to go ye, dunt it
look, aza, look at this book ...'
-- her dad rasps the pages ends
with his thumb, on the opposite side
of it's spine --
'... do you remember when we med that flicker book
with the little birdie, it's like water int it
the pages flow, and the picture moves
and it's this liquid nature, that meks it strong
here too, as far as that proddy straw's concerned
it's like, ten little branches
tied together in a bundle, you can bend them
but it teks a lot to snap um
more than it does, to brek one branch
of the same area of cross thickness
that window's similar
but it's brittle, glass is when shocked
hey, a reckon i could do it with water'
'what, freeze it daddy'
'rubbish'
-- states her mam --
'would you like ice ice baby
but no, i'd keep it fluid
oy, what do you mean 'rubbish'
dunt ye think mi french is up to it
but a cud, have seen it dun
or similar stuff
high pressure water jets
used to mine stone
pssssss'
'rubbish, or rather manure'
'how d'ya mean'
'do you have one of these
higher pressure jets
on you do you'
'might have'
'manure'
'daddy
do you have any ice'
'might have
but i might have
something else
you might like, like
what do you like
shall we play a game or something
like i spy, you go first yea
have a good think ...
... 'manure', i remember a joke
where the moral is that
the new boss of a garden centre
shouldn't expect one of the workers
to stop calling manure manure
too quickly, and start calling
the product fertilizer instead, because
it had took them some years
to call it, anything other
than horse shit ...'
'p daddy'
'okey cokey'
'no, p daddy
i spy with my little eye
something beginning with p'
'princes'
'noo'
'pudding'
'no'
'ah, photograph'
'oh, no'
'where's a photograph'
'on front of that magazine'
'oh, well that's not a photograph
is it then, it's a magazine'
'yea aknow, beginning with m
with fofos in it, begging with f init'
'pictures'
'no'
'paragraphs'
'no'
'paper'
'no'
'can you gi us a clue'
'no'
'people'
'no'
'penelope'
'no'
'pit stop'
'no, stop it daddy'
'p'porcupine'
'no'
'p'p'p'p'p
pa'pa'pa'pa
pe'pe'peppi pe'
'no, daddy
you can't just make sounds
you have to guess words'
'can't i'
'no'
'pepper'
'no'
'pancakes'
'no'
'pineapple'
'no'
'puree'
'no'
'pistachio'
'no'
'p'pancakes'
'you've said that once already'
'i know'
'and there's no pancakes around here
is there'
'i guess not'
'well then, why did you say p'pancake'
'i said p'porcupine
and there's none of them around either
hey, did you hear about that fight
between the rat and the hedgehog
it went the full distance
the rat was pretty mean
but the hedgehog won on points'
'funny, that rewinds me
did you hear about that big fight
last night inside the chip shop
very sad, well over a hundred fish
got battered ...'
`
aza had been on many such journeys
as a child, she had moved, flitted
with her parents, four times in
as many months, immediately prior
to this particular journey, traveling light
most of their possessions, boxed in storage
coming along later, if they settled
if not, on again, on again, jig, jig, jig
the *transition generation*
she'd not heard this term used
until her late teens, and then expressed
in what she felt was
a gothic portrait of victim-hood
but she had remembered it, nevertheless
the term had struck a chord in her
and she thought it both true and sad ...
'homesick' -- says azadeh out loud
and stirs marcel
who is warming her lap presently
in his slumber --
'like i say, nostalgia
do you know, before consensus
i used to feel homesick
even in my own bed
completely out of sync i was
i suppose many felt
that way out
one way or another ...'
truth be told, she was feeling homesick
again now, she was missing her partner
and it had become difficult for her
to feel settled without their presence
'soon, soon, soon ...'
-- she thinks --
'... everything comes
to those that wait, but i don't want
everything
do i'
she is having an argument with herself
or rather, replaying one
she'd heard before ...
'what do you mean
everything comes to those that wait
nothing comes to those that wait'
-- her mam had stated in frustration --
'doesn't it'
'no, it certainly doesn't'
'oh, i meant be patient'
'well why didn't you say that then
rather than promising the child the world'
'did i'
'yes, you did, you promised her everything'
'ah, but she's only after ice
and me to work out, something
beginning with p, i was generalising
but specifically, to the hear and now ...'
she had spent the majority of her life
when small, in the company of her mother
and other older folk, and rarely with
kids at all, her dad was
at the time of the train journey
a recent addition
he'd just appeared one morning
curled up, snoring, next to the tv set
it was bright, she'd got up
knew not to disturb
her mummy or aunties
and had gone down stairs
to watch a video
'maybe mummy's got me something'
-- she'd thought
as she descended --
her mother had often left her
little pavlovian presents
in the fridge or
on top of the telly
once there was a rose
and on one occasion
even her auntie billy
had left her a lilly
but now, nothing, no little
chocolate treats, collected for her
from a small plate, late the prior evening
courtesy of a restaurant bill
just, this covered thing sleeping
under, or in, some kind of pelt
type blanket, dark in the light
generated by the open refrigerator
she put on a video
and prods the amorphous shape
'are you the new cat'
-- she inquired --
'mummy said, she was going to get me
a new cat'
'good morning to you too ...'
-- had answered the furry thing
with a sleeping question --
'... and what's your name then'
azadeh was sure she had told the cat
her name, yet the cat replied:
'lilly, that's a nice name'
'no, not lilly silly
i said azadeh'
'ok, me silly, lilly azadeh
i'll try and remember ye
what's your mam's name'
azadeh, told the cat
the name of her mother
and at that the cat stopped
short and said:
'ah, well then
i guess i might be the new cat
you never know you luck in a raffle
hold on a minute
what happened to the old cat'
'leukemia'
'never, poor old thing'
'he wasn't old'
'oh, dear, well sometimes ..
poor young thing
listen, what's that you're watching
the tape's sticking'
'alice'
'here, do you know sometimes
if you stop a video ...'
-- said the cat
reaching for the box
and pawing eject --
'... and bang them
like this
against ye knee
dang, dang, dang ...
i think it loosens them
on their reel ... '
-- the cat put's the tape back in
with feline finesse --
'... here, let's try it now
that's better ...'
transition
'listen'
-- she heard her dad say
some years later --
'you can't have it all
it's to share'
'but, but, it's not fare'
-- had replied her baby sister saoirse
'well it might not be fair
but it's not raining is it...
oh blubbering ummer
it is now, dunt be like that saoirse
there's loads to go round'
'but it's mine'
'it's not, it's to share'
'no it's mine, all of it
because, because ...'
'because what ...
because why saoirse'
'mummy's right'
-- azadeh stated --
'saoirse thinks
she's the most important person in the world
that the why'
azadeh missed her sister,
and felt sad that she'd ever had
a hand in making her cry
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