[ssf] modus vivendi

[adam]

  i) just notes
  -------------

  i'm in the process of applying for a job
  i read the application form
  a fair few nights ago now

     it's for a proper position,
     not a pretend one

  communications, what ever that means
  these days, is a key responsibility

  the answer sheet is black on white
  2 leaves of a3 stapled and bent in to a4
  8 sides, one of the questions
  is this --

     are you related to any of the governors
     or chief officers

    well, keep the reply simple
    sez i reflective --

      not to the best of my knowledge

  ... and there's quite a nice version
  of an old favourite
  nationally, color race, ethnicity
  multiple choice boxed
  test chess questions

     well -- thinks i, with a welsh lilt --
     which ones to tick this time

  there is a box labelled 'other' however
  a couple, but it doesn't really mean other
  as the box exist at a sub category level

   like, if you ticked this space
   in a sub below
   it may indicate, say
   that you felt yourself white
   but neither white european, irish nor british
   no indeed not, for you ticked it because
   you felt yourself to be
   an 'other' form of white

  i've got this mate
  a shade or two darker than i
  who'd reply with in a cheeky grin
  if asked socially --

   where do you come from then

  -- with this one liner --

      am from manchester me ...

  well, mi mate had been to manchester
  a few times actually
  but they are from a far distant place
  well far distant from manchester
  but like mi mate likes oasis
  had a matching jacket cover, and passed
  easily as second order or more
  beat generation, manchurians
  accent, at ce temps

  many o'mi mates and me
  are from little villages you see

  one item on the job spec
  which comes in a nice precise
  on a separate a4 sheet
  says i'd be responsible for appropriate use
  of i.t.
  which, given the position
   it's in administration
  therefore would mean
  i would in no way be
  responsible for the i.t. at all
  no, not really
  but i'd no doubt
  have to be responsible
  for having and filing
  all appropriate licences

  don't get me wrong
  if i got the post
  i might get allowed
  to sit and listen
  and perhaps chirp in
  if had heard of ought
  they'd hadn't
   even public institutions i hear
    are actively seeking new blood
  but i'm from around here me
  and i know how slow moving
  things can be
  for instance,
  mi welsh mate and i
  said to david some time back --

   let's do the next job ourselves
   fuck these contractors off
   they just can't do it any more
   let's run the gangs directly

  david laughed
  what ever we were
  he really was the engineer
  and they're are certain duties
  that the engineer
  is contractually unable
  to delegate, even to
  their resident representatives


   it isn't the contractors
   engineering staff, who are fault in this
   it is a stage in the business cycle
   the companies are buying the work
   time after time they do this
   they are unable to break even,
   even at their tender rates
   let alone make a profit
   they are gambling, on survival


   the smaller ones pray
   that there are unforeseen conditions
   so that they can delay completion
   and subsist on some embroidered
   time based faction, and claim
   a contractual claim
   most of the contractual correspondence
   these last few years
   concern unforeseen conditions
   of one variety or another

   the larger contractors are much slower
   very positional, finance capital
   is at work, engineering
   unforeseen conditions
   but even still
   they can afford to leave here
   at the end of contract
   with many millions less
   than even their most conservative
   dreams and expectations
   foreseen by themselves
   at the time of tender


   but what they loose here
   they'll make by hook or by crook
   somewhere else,

      or tumble themselves

   and the ones that don't
   will wait
   come back, and try their luck again

   but it is we
   that are breaking the contractors
   at their too low tenders rates
   and subsequent inflated claims
   and they in turn squeeze
   the subcontractors
   and are breaking them
   in consequence, and so on
   down the chain, until
   in the end,
   the dog will get a kick ...


  -- you see, as well
  as riparian and occupiers liability
  vicarious comes also
  vicariously
  with some positions

  i like case law
  snails, and ginger beer bottles
  i find it easy to remember
  it's short stories really

  a few may find them boring
  a lot more would and do say
  that law is a dry subject
  non creative, to be shunned
  as a vocational alternative

  i doubt i'd go that far
  but a logic is exposed in case law
  whether the which is right or wrong
  at least is open and there for improvement

  and some of the summing ups
  the endings, the judgements
  so to speak, are pure platonic
  or rather, remind me
  of the republic, and plato's remembrances
  of the dialogues of socrates

  but it isn't much out there
  the law, for general consumption
  i mean, the cops and robbers stuff is
  out there, and the many variations
  of this theme, are portrayed
  at different resolutions
  on literally millions of branded screens

  but the civil stuff isn't
  which i submit is a shame
  because the criminal law
  is very well known, and much practised
  amongst the population, as it is
  very well known, but mal practised
  by many contemporary politicians

   it's weird, init
   it's like some just live
   in their own bubbles, well
   i suppose we all live in us owns bubbles
   one way or another, but some of them
   not all of them, but some certainly
   belief, with absolute certainty
   that we can all go on
   living with the level of absurdity
   coming from particular quarters
   that repeatedly try to dictate
   how the world operates, from now
   to a ever nearing
   self actuating dooms day

  yet, still none but a few
  are taking any sort of responsibility
  and none are owning up
  to any personal liability

   "it's a global crisis" init

   vacuously echos
   around the empty shells

   but what does this mean
   does this mean

      "it is the world that deserves the blame"

   if this is so,
   if the problem lies so deeply
   in the very nature
   and substructures
   of our very habitat
   what is it
   that the politicians actually do
   what have they been doing
   in their time in office
   have none of their policies
   what so ever
   been of the slightest bit to blame
   to the present
   macro economic crash and burn

   these things have happened before you know
   if it ever is the world to blame
   it usually is a very small sub section

    a group of arrogant ruthless greedy men


  men ,,,
  i better watch mi sen
  ranting off like this
  if a do get this job
  it might not go down too well
  at the new office
  i mean, where i work now
  no one there would even look up
  from their studies
  they've heard it all before you see
  and tend to agree

  but i best calm down
  best calm down and think of drainage

  ten, nine, eight, seven, six, oh ,,,

  oh, interview stage ,,,

  i put in for the same position twice once
  in drainage, a few years apart
  first time round, i'd only been with the city
  two minutes, and i put in for a promotion
  to the post of senior engineer,
  it was more money see, but when i read
  the job spec, i thought, blinking heck
  they are wanting a lot, and i haven't done
  most of this, and i'm up against folk who have
  in fact, i've done so little engineering
  that it surprises me, that this city is paying me
  as an engineer in the first place

  but then, i looked around the office
  at the sole pc, a 386 with a co-presser
  and at the fax machine, hidden grazing
  in a herd of a0 drawing tables
  and thought, this place doesn't need
  another engineer, but it desperately needs cad
  a plotter, some cables, and a programme called walrus
  that i know off, and i rewrote the job spec according
  and applied for the post i'd created

  i didn't get the job
  i got to interview though
  and there, spelt out why i thought they, we needed the i.t.
  told them i'd helped set up
  something similar before
  in my previous post at thames water
  and answered the many questions

  as i said, i didn't get the promotion
  but a couple of weeks later
  the components to 4 Nr 486s
  turned up, and i was given a screw driver

  that's how it works around here
  i got one of the boxes
  a copy of walrus, perfectly legit
  with a dongle
  and all the sewer records of sheffield
  to model

  i was at it for a year
  i use to know the sewers around here
  better than i did the roads
  probably still do

  i gave a lecture about it once
  in blackpool, the only lecture i've ever given
  i stuttered along nervously to slides
  stumbled lots of
    "yeah, well, it's like this ... "
  replies, and sat down with relieve
  when i had finished

  i got offered a job the day after that
  in the bar at the empire
  2 k / year more by a crew called wild alison
  who wanted me to model another part of the pennines
  over the moors towards manchester

  i'm a model, you know what i mean
  shake my little tus, on the dance floor

  i didn't go off
  with wild alison though
  but i was tempted
  if only by the name

  the model, my model
  of the existing structure
  much of it was simplified
  two thousand nodes representing
  five times that number
  of places of flow changes
  in the steep and shallow grades
  of underground chambers

  but much of it was simplified
  indeed parts of it were black boxed
   that is, bits of the model were fixed
   to correlate to reality, rain fall
   measured storms of different durations
   measured flows, peaks
   loads of storm overflows
   to the river, but
  if you looked inside the box
  at the workings,
  the little bits, the cogs
  and the many turnings, some times
  there would be
  no obvious rhyme or reason why
  some bits matched reality

  and the above, well
  that was the simplified real
  but down below, i'd built a very big sewer
  and i mean big sewer
  but it was totally pretend
  but never the less
  a massive sewer dream
  shared in the consciousness
  of many individuals
  and a few organisations
  to the extent,
  that we all kept files
  on it's progress

  when i'd finish with the model
  running design storm after design storm,
  one-in-a-hundred year return storm
  one-in-fifty year, one-in-twenty
  one-in-ten, one-in-five, one-in-two
  repeatedly, to get a broad outline
  and dimensions, then i'd run the real
  the measured, the time-series
  overlapping storms, one event after another
  never emptying, always running
  time series, different seasons
  then, tweak here, tweak there
  oh dear, redesign over here
  and after a year, wrote up my findings
  in an a4 folder, in three parts
  labelled

    * executive summary
    * management summary
    * technical summary

  that was just the gloss
  every one knew what the scheme was
  we'd had a rolling programme
  for the last twenty years

  this particular bit, at this particular time
  was called don valley completion
  the fifth stage
  of the low level interceptor

  the model informed, if indirectly
  that we'd need 16 million sterling
  to complete the drive
  from shalesmoor to hillsborough

  if granted, that put us up to
  near on a hundred million
  to that date
  at that date adjusted prices

  i thought i'd finished with mi dream
  and handed in my folder, complete
  with a few a3 fold out plans
  the week before, it went to the board
  for signing off, oder

    it's fine, just fine -- said david --
    but we need another two options

  what do you mean -- sez i --

    they've asked us for three options
    -- sez david --

  what three options -- sez i --

    well this one
     the one they will choose
    and two others

  what two others

    a cheaper one
    and a more expensive one
    -- sez david quite calmly --

  what cheaper one
  -- sez i, scratching mi head --
  if we could have done it
  in a cheaper way
  given the criteria
  then we would have done so
  do you mean
   drop the river spec, or a flooding spec
   or don't build for a hundred years

    no -- sez david --
    i don't mean that at all
    i mean present a cheaper alternative
    that doesn't meet their own criteria
    put the second overflow solution
    back in to the model, and write a short
    report on that

  oh, i get you
  -- sez i --
  that won't take long

  oh, but
  what more expensive solution
  -- sez i, continuing --
  i've got to the point
  where the ochre deposits
  up stream do more harm to the river
  than the sewer, at least in the model

    yes -- sez david --
    but there's the energy

  oh -- sez i confused --

    yes -- sez david --
    the archimedes screw
    at blackburn meadows
    cost one and half million pounds
    per year to pump back up
    rain water from the interceptor
    into the river
    on our border with rotherham

    how much would it cost to separate the system
    and let rain run directly to the rivers
    and waterways

  what completely,
  every street -- sez i --

    yes
    what price

  they'll never go for that

    yes,
    but what price
    that is the third option

  oh, ok ...


  ... and a couple days later
  i say --

   about five hundred million david
   for the upper don
   i might be out by twenty percent
   either way, how does that sound

     yes, fine, fine
     write it down
     put it in the folder ...


  and i did
  and then i got passed another one to do
  and i said --

   hold on a minute
   if this is all i'm going to do
   i might as well go off
   with that wild alison crew
   and be up two grand a year ...

  the principal engineer
  who thought, i think
  that i might like to
  take the comfy course
  of modelling and lecturing
  for a living was taking quite aback --

    but i thought ...
    -- starts the p.e. --

  nayow -- sez i --
  not unless am paid more
  any way
  let someone else have a go
  loads want to

    but you're very good at this

  it doesn't matter though does it
  it won't get me promoted
  even if i'm good at it twice
  it doesn't matter
  i need proper design
  and site experience

   fair enough
   -- said the p.e. ...


  ... do you know
  they were very good to us
  at the council
  they wanted us to be trained
  they trained us themselves
  they considered it part of their duty
  and indeed it was,
  you don't become an engineer
  unless you can train

  i mean, one might want to become
  a civil engineer for many reasons

  but unless you can train
  and then write down that experience
   where and when you did it
   what you did
   and why you did it
   it's relevance and so forth
   and then
   put it all in a4 folder
   to be looked at by others
   in some far distant future
   and answer questions on the above
   amongst a rake other stuff
   at interview stage
  they just won't let you
  in to their club

  any way up
  a lot later
  i apply for the post
  of senior engineer again

  a lot has happened in between
  same job spec
  but this time
  nothing on it
  i hadn't done before
  a fair few times


  david's on the panel again
  there's another three
  the p.e. from above
  a chap from human resources
  and another engineer
  in charge of bridges
  and structures
  a jolly person
  who soon departed

    yes, yes
    fine -- sez the jolly engineer --
    the porter brook
    that's where you turned native

  i nod, david chuckles
  and the other engineer continues --

    and oh yes
    supertram phase three
    i got a lot of phones calls
    about that one you know
    when david was on leave
    it was the size of your trial holes
    and the sixteen different
    traffic diversions

  i know
  -- sez i --
  i dint know what was there
  none of us did, so i just kept digging

    yes yes fine
    it was just their size
    and the phone calls of the time

  well yes
  -- sez i --
  but it did make the permanent works
  go a lot quicker though
  dot to dot
  up the main drag
  but with really big dots
  on the roads and pavement
  and i had to be cautious


  -- there's no answer
  from the engineers
  and in the pause
  the h.r. bod
  repeats the last word --

           cautious

  yes
  cautious
  -- i reply --
  it's drainage init
  straight lines between nodes
  but both node and line
  are made of reinforced concrete
  you don't grow them in you know
  no one as yet has developed
  man hole seeds for instance
  -- i make a slopey straight hand movement
     to the h.r. bod, and sez --
  i was working out mi lines

         oh, fine
         -- sez the h.r. bod --

  -- i turn to the engineers
     and say --

  do you have any further questions

    -- they all shake their head
       and mutter, no no just fine --

         i have a further question
         -- sez the h.r. bod
            smiling --
         what three words
         would you say
         best some up
         the attributes
         that you would intend
         to bring to this position
         if you were successful

  -- the last word i spoke to the h.r. bod
     was that h.r. bod's first name,
     fuck came first
     and off came in between --

     when the engineers had stopped laughing
     and the h.r. bod
     had fucked off
     i continued --

  do you know him
  chasing me around the corridors
  he was, for three weeks
  like an agent on prozac
  every time i came in to office
  at one bit last year

      can you sign this please
      -- sez he --
      it's your new contract

  no thanks
  i have one already
  in fact i'm doing it now
  am busy, you will have to excuse me

      but, but -- sez they --
      that contract's been terminated
      you need to sign this new one
      or, or

  or what, be sacked
  i have been sacked already apparently
  i've got the letter

     oh but that is nothing
     that is just something we have to do formally
     of course you've not been sacked

  well in that case
  i'll bid you good day
  i've got a job to do

    don't be like that
    -- sez they --
    every body else has signed it
    i can't really understand your problem

  no, not everyone else has signed it
  and no, i don't think your able
  or i don't think you wish to be able
  but the tribunal may wish to understand

    oh, don't be like that
    why are you always so confrontational

  do you know what
  -- sez i, to the engineers --
  i told him to fuck off again then
   and walked off mesen
    it's not me
    that's unilaterally changing
    any one's fucking terms and conditions ...

    chasing me, from office to office he was
    with a pen a paper in hand, trying to get me
    to sign,
    was he on a commission, or what
    this place, you know
    it's going, it's gone

     -- the engineers remain silent
        so i keep going --

     i was in one once
     a meeting with that h.r. bod
     in the town hall
     he had his misses with him
     you know the other one
     he knocks around with
     they try and bend me in a side meeting

       i'm negotiating on redundancy criteria
       as a branch officer
       and they come over
       smiling, very friendly
       and put it to me quietly
       that we could all work happily together
       to ensure the redundancy criteria
       suited us three specifically

    how d'ya mean
    -- sez i, intrigued --

       still smiling
       the one nudges the other
       and the other sez to me --

        yes, us three
        we all have the same eye color
        we're a natural team you understand
        surely ...


  you know
  i didn't really know what to think
  i mean, i really didn't know
  what they were on with
  but i could sense
  what ever they were on
  they meant it

   get the fuck away from me
   you snivelling little shits

  you know
  they just don't get it
  like your one, in here today
  what was that all about
  trying it on again
  the amount of times
  i've told him to fuck off
  you think he'd get the drift


  -- the head of bridges
     and structures stood up then
     smiling, and said --

    right, i think i'll leave you to it
    too gentlemen

  -- and then to me directly --

    it's nice to see you
    outside a grievance
    or disciplinary
    even though, we do appear
    to be in the same room again
    of block 5

  nice to see you again chief
  -- sez i ...


  ... i await for the door to close
  and look at the p.e. --

         don't -- sez they to me --

   why -- sez i --
   do you think
   they've got this room bugged

   -- david chortles, and coughs a little
      takes a drink of water
      and says --

     who do think will get it
     the position

   it don't think it's the who
   -- sez i --
   not on this occasion, i think it's the why
   we've reached this stage of the economic cycle
   i've seen it loads in other departments

   every one who's applied for this post
   obviously has far more relevant experience
   than any of the present senior engineers had
   when they were first appointed
   it's to do with increments isn't it

   -- david nods, and the p.e.
      asks --

     you don't mind

   no, not really
   it's just we've got no way
   of quick progression any more
   and you need to be quick
   because we suffering
   the death of a thousand cuts
   just look what they've done with the cars
   we are now contractually bound to use us cars
   whether we like it or not at a loss
   what will be next
   and no pay rise, is really a pay rise
   i mean i am thankful, well contracted
   to get an annual increment
   but it doesn't even offset
   the rising costs
   of utilities,
   and the pensions are obviously
   being screwed

   what are we building here


        don't -- sez the p.e. to me
                 pointing to the ceiling --

   you know
   it's got passed that stage now
   whilst i've been seconded over
   to branch, in the centre
   i've picked up quite a case load
   thirty or so active files
   i try and wipe five
   in to archive every month
   but they just keep piling up

   recreations, i look after leisure
   and recreations now, floating steward
   around all their sites and museums

   one lad rang up branch
   long term sick, mental stress
   can he come in to see someone desperately
   the chief secretary fielded it
    i mean, the chief of the real secretaries
    not the union ones
   and she sez to me --

       he does have a point you know
       but no one else will see him though
       they'd heard it all before
       and they don't like it

   go on then
   -- sez i, and she did --
   talk about a can of worms
   not one of the officials
   wanted to touch it

   no one even wanted to talk
   to the people involved

   and then another one came in
   similar story, got a phone call
   off the first case, after we'd first chatted
   lady this time, stressed to fuck
   and covered in eczema
   so fuck, sez i
   and goes see the line manager

   the counter claims,
   sprawling, defensive, but some what real
   no one wanted to touch them either
   their divisional manager very stressed also ...

     -- i nod over to the engineers
        takes a drink of water myself
        shakes mi head, and continues --

   so i gets about ten steps out the manger's office
   after delivering my request for formal hearing
   and this lass comes up to me
   and sez

      i need to speak to you
      can you meet in the pool side cafe at two

   well i looked at mi watch
   and said, it's five to now luv

      yes i know
      -- she said
         as she disappeared --

    nice, interesting story
    very confident
    well she made it so
    she was after a sabbatical
    of some sort to the antipodes
    but wanted her position open
    if and when she did return

     don't know luv
     i'll look for precedence
     if you like
     can i have your name and number

    she told me her number first
    i should have guessed as i wrote it down
    and then she told me here name

    oh, sorry luv, sez i
    i can't help you, not directly
    erm, but i'll pass it to some one can

    and then she cries
    and says

        it's all lies you know

    listen luv, i don't know anything for sure
    have only heard half a story
    and at that, from a self admitted mental patient
    but i do know this, i can't represent you both

        tell him, i'm scared
        -- she sez --
        no, don't tell him that
        -- and then she whispered --
        i'm scared

    i know, you must be
    -- i replied --
    i'll try and get you some help yea
    and ring in a bit yea

        no, i don't want any one else to know

    oh, well don't worry
    i'll only tell, the nice lady
    who set me off, on this one yea
    she already knows, or at least knows part
    and she's seen loads,
    she'll be able to advise me ok
    as to who could best help y' yeah

        ok, but do ring me

    i shall, or may be her yea
    she's called maureen yeah, is that ok

        ok ...


   ... and i nearly got out of there then
   but then she sez, as i was standing --

      did he tell you about the photographs
      because that part is true

   fuck -- said i --
   and that was one part
   i was hoping was a lie


   when i get back to branch
   no one would touch it with a barge pole
   not any of them, well
   none of the officials
   the secretaries wouldn't let it lie
   you know how a good team work
   ask about the bran flakes
   that lot do have a collective mind

   back and forth between them
   talking through all the various claims
   regular crown court, and who they thought
   it be best for me to represent
   and who to best to leave to the lions

   when the'd decided, i said
    i can't, can i
    if i'm already representing one and two
    independently, and as a class action
    i may be able to do three, by dropping a chinese wall
    around the sabbatical, but i definitely can't do four
    or five, because they're counter to one two and three
    respectively

   well, the chief secretary
   got quite cross with me
   and sez --

      you talk in numbers
      when you should just
      get them all in the same room
      and be banging their heads together

   i can't, sez i
   if i got that bunch together
   in the same room
   i'd have all on stopping them
   banging their heads together
   of their own volition
   that's one thing
   they seem to be very good at
   all by themselves
   without my intervention ...


   ... but i did, i did finally
   get them all, if not in the same room
   then in many little meetings, in many little rooms
   at least talking, or else
   agreeing that there was no point talking
   arranged and agreed a few transfers
   all but one voluntary
   and then the line manager sez to me --

      have we done
      g'good, are we happy
      g'good, because i w'want to tell you
      another story ...

   and takes me promptly to meet
   their colleagues and line manager
   with another fractaled bag of worms

   all the way up, or rather down
   the chain of apparent command
   grievance after grievance
   disciplinary after disciplinary
   the director has them too
   so i cascade another set
   of chinese walls
   unofficial, but with secretarial support


   and as for,
   the planning and development department
   -- sez i, pointing to the ceiling --
   well, may be best
   not to go there ...

   -- david chortles,
      and takes another drink of water --

   is there any work here
   -- i continue --
   for me to do, how's the sheaf progressing
   i could do with a rest
   at least from the afore mentioned

       slow slow -- intones david --
       a year or two yet
       may be
       we are now being instructed
       to build errors in to the design
       to attract future european funding

       the accountants have taken the shout
       from the engineers

       we build to fail apparently
       progress is being passed-off
       as the best economic option

       who's progress
       who's best economic option

       who invests our lives and treasure
       to build their hidden revenue streams ...


   -- i shake mi head
      and said --

   oh, i didn't know it had got that bad

   -- but then i thinks,
      and looks to the ceiling, and sez --

   but now am almost glad,
   am out of the promotion


      yes -- intones david --


   but i was hoping
   there would be something
   back here for me to do
   if only for a bit


      yes,
      there's a post vacant
      for an engineer in highways


   oh

      yes, you would be the assistant r.e. for them
      and the r.e. for me, two hats
      they want you to do their claims and measure
      38 weeks, starting the later part
      of this month, penistone road phase 3


   oh,
   thanks

       -- david slowly nods
          to the p.e., who in turn says --
         are we done then, good good
         overtime beats three increments
         and we won't have to witness you
         bouncing around the office
         going stir crazy

   yes thanks
   there is that ...


   ii) mirror, mirror
   ------------------


   ... back on the porter
   what seems like half a life ago
   mi welsh mate sez to me --

      how you getting along
      with the as-builts

   fine, just fine
   -- i reply --

     there's still nothing happening
     out there
     they're very slow moving this crowd
     -- sez mi welsh mate
        nodding out the open cabin door --
     you might just have to leave them

   what -- sez i distracted
           looking up from mi plans --

     the as-builts
     we've got two weeks left here

   what -- sez i --

     what, fucking what
     -- barks mi welsh mate --
     two weeks
     and then we're been moved off

   where to -- sez i --
   back to the office

     don't be fucking mad
     -- barks mi welsh mate --
     i'm not going any where near
     that fucking office
     if i can help it
     no, i'm on supertram phase 3
     right in the city centre
     it's starts in two weeks

   oh -- sez i --
   who's the r.e.

      you are

   what -- sez i --

      what, fucking what
      -- barks mi welsh mate --

   yea aknow -- sez i --
   but how did i get that job
   there's loads of engineers
   more qualified than me

     it's nothing to do with qualifications is it
     are you mad, the job's right in the city centre
     no one in their right mind would want it
     that's why they've given it you
     you are the only engineer that applied

   but i didn't apply
   -- said i --

     well, let us put it this way
     -- starts mi welsh mate --
     you were the only engineer who was applied
     come on, leave the as-builts to the r.e.
     now we know what we're doing next
     let's get this crowd started again
     they're very slow you know this crew ...



   i hung around with a different inspector
   on the highways job, penistone road phase 3
   a big well built bloke
   who loved his golf and his family apparently

   like many a good game keeper
   have learnt their core skills poaching
   the best inspectors also
   know how to the work backwards

   i met his misses one day
   i named her gerty to her face
   it wasn't her real name,
   just somat he called her
   when out and about,
   he'd confused me again

   one day, in the cabins
   over tea, he starts --

      i don't know what i'd do
      if he really did come down here
      and we had to show him round
      at the official opening

      i think he'd open his mouth
      and then i'd have to down the cunt

   -- i giggle, and sez --
   i don't think it will happen

      what -- barks the inspector --
      it's happened on other jobs here

   no, a know
   -- sez i --
   tha's heard us welsh mate bark
    on these works, the engineers will do
    the escorting, of any fucking sightseer
   but i doubt we'll get royalty, nayow
   not on this stretch

      -- mi mate goes quiet
         for quite a bit, and then sez --

      would tha
      smack him

   what for

      well how can he live like that
      when he sees what he sees

   -- i shake mi head --
   he dunt, he sees fuck all
   he's trapped inhe

      dunt gi me that
      it's the poor who are trapped
      not he

   well, we all are
   but it's not his fault
   he dunt know any better

      dunt gi me that
      that cunts had education thrown at him

   dunt matter does it
   not if from day one
   you've been told you'll be king
   by every one you meet

   i mean, what has he seen
   what does he hear,
   other than this confirmation
   imagine what that would do upon the psyche
   a tell ya, he doesn't know any better
   he's trapped in the dreams
   and negotiated schemes
   of his ancestors

      -- mi mate snorts and sez --
      it's all wrong you know this

   aknow
   -- sez i --
   but that dunt mean
   if he comes down here
   we'd have to smack the cunt
   not if we were doing the escorting
   we could just tek him to one side
   and have a quiet word see

     -- mi mate snorts some more
        and laughs this time
        and i sey --

   any way, gerty
   aknow it's all wrong

      -- mi mate just sheks his head
         and said --

        you know my surname
        it's not my real name, nayow
        when i was kid
        i was called brown

   oh
   why did you change it

        i didn't change it
        mi dad did
        and his an'all
        he had reputation around here
        as a fare ground boxer
        i don't reckon it matters much any more

   -- i shake mi head --

        thi welsh mate's leaving

   aknow, fo'teeth o'next month apparently
   they've asked him in to the offices
   to listen to them speak
   about how they're going to miss him
   can tha imagine, us welsh mate
   at one o'them doos

        aknow -- the inspector snorts some more --
        am not gonna miss it

   nayow, adunt intend to either ...



   ... the day after
   mi welsh mate's leaving-do
   i'm in the cabins on penistone road
   and mi welsh mate turns up and sez --

         where were you yesterday

   oh -- sez i --
   i thought you'd gone

         i have -- sez mi welsh mate --
         where were you

   er

         you weren't here
         i checked
         they said you were ill
         but you're not fucking ill

   er, no

         in fact, i've never seen you fucking ill


   er

         it was a fucking women wasn't it

   no, er, i mean
   it wasn't like that

         what -- barks mi welsh mate --
         what was it like then
         if it wasn't like that

   no, i mean
   can you remember
   me telling ye
   about how this lass
   once saved mi life and how

         -- mi welsh mate nods --

   well, she just turned up again
   late, out of the blue
   the night before last
   she's been abroad some years
   and i'd not seen her
   in a very long time

         well, if it was like that then
         -- concludes mi welsh mate --
         and any way you didn't miss much

         but fuck
         i was glad to get out of there
         you know,
         i didn't mind at the do
         when the secretaries cried
          it's emotion isn't it
          i've seen them do it at weddings too
         but when engineers
          assistant fucking chief engineers
         are sat on the stairs steps
         sobbing their fucking eyes out
         and saying,
           you leaving
           this is the end now
           there can be no clearer sign
         you know they're only
         crying for themselves
         by-fuck, i was glad to get from there


    aknow,
    it's pretty much in free fall now
    the office, i try and keep away
    do you fancy a cuppa

         -- mi welsh mate pulls their had back
            a last six inches
            and sez --

         no thanks
         i've gone

         here


    what's that
    -- sez i --

         what does it fucking look like

    a fifty quid note
    i mean why

         you sorted out my redundancy
         and i'm not in
         any fucking union

    no aknow
    but here
    adint do it for that
    have it back

         i know, but take it
         if not for yourself
         then for your kids
         i've never got them anything

    are you sure

         of course i'm fucking sure

    ok, thanks


        i'll be seeing you then
        good bye

    ta ra mate
    -- said i ...


    ... why you crying
    -- sez i, two nights
       one sleep before --

         i don't know
         -- sobs mi mate against me --

     he hurt ye din he

        no, well ...
        -- continues mi mate  --

   -- i wait ...

      ... and i wait a bit longer ...

      ... and then i sez --

   so, this dancing
   he was doing
   in front of the mirror
   was there music playing
   at the time ...

      ... yeah, but he kept changing it
      like half way through a track
      and then he undressed a little bit more
      i thought it was funny at first
      i thought he was
      but it was the mirror he was dancing with
      it was like i wasn't there

      and then i was scared
      and i didn't want to be there
      i didn't, i didn't ...


   -- i leave it a good while longer ...

      and say --

   one o'mates once
   had a funny one
   with a bloke in a squat in the hague
   playing in front of a mirror
   with a very long curling finger nail
   he'd grown on one of his hands
   painted it with the other, different colours
   sparkling, waving it around slowly
   bouncing cascading sun beams off it
   gently, back and forth
   he drugged her too
   she was fourteen at the time ...


     -- a little bit later --
     what happened to your friend ...



   well, a lot had happened to her
   before that, she'd kicked her dad
   down the stairs, six months previously
   when he came looking for a repeat prescription

    so she kopped it, or at least she kopped something
    a different performance, more mental though than yours
    but she reckoned he intended to pimp her ...

   but with that bloke
   who was shaping in front of you
   it sounds more like
   physical dominance ...



     -- later --
     what happened to your friend ...


   pretty much the same as you ...


     what
     even though she could see it coming


   yeah, she'd had far worse
   and she doesn't scare easily
   she put on a act, just like you
   but unlike you
   she robbed him, as she departed


     you're making this up
     -- giggles mi mate --


   nayow, some times i wish ...


     oh ...


   no, dunt stop laughing luv
   he's gone now, that muscle bound
   body prancer, shaping around
   he dunt sound like any major danger
   he's not pursued you further, has he


     no ...


     no ...


     no, it's just ...

     i just didn't want to ...

     i feel so violated ...


   do you want me
   to go and have a word with him ...

     -- mi mate giggles,
        and punches me gently --

     no,

   -- i don't talk for a while this time
      until the sobbing starts again --


   i think, why you're so cut up
   is because, it was your first time

     what do you mean 'first time'
     no one should have to endure this


   aknow, adint mean that luv
   i meant, all of mi other female mates
   have had to put up with worse than that
   before getting to your age ...



     -- after a while
        mi mate sez to me --

      have you been with anyone
      since your divorce


   yes -- i reply
          nipping mi mate's bum --

      no -- giggles mi mate --
      other than me,
      because you've not really seen me
      have you silly

   no, i mean i told you earlier
   don't you remember
   i'm going out with somebody now

      oh,
      i didn't think that was serious


   well, it's not serious
   in that i have no intention of marrying her
   and she knows it, but it is serious to the extent
   that if me and you have a repeat performance
   then i wouldn't intend sleeping with her any more


     no,
     no,
     i have disrupted your life
     too much already before


   -- it is me that giggles this time
      and sez --

   yeah, and i haven't messed
   with yours at all, have i


     -- and mi mate sobs some more --



   -- in time i say --

   that lass am going out with
   i love her
   but she's a lot younger than me

     i remember
     that's why i didn't think it was serious

   i know
   or at least
   perhaps i should have stopped you
   when you started telling me the one
   about that fit nineteen year old
   who kept popping up at yours
   rearing to go on amphetamines

   but it's not like that you know
   or rather she's not like that
   i wouldn't have her here if she was
   have got kids, i come as a package
   i've seen a few folk
   since i got divorced
   but have not had that many home


       -- mi mate, stayed still for a while
          then states the name of a person
          and prods me, quite literally
          for information --

   does your sister
   know you're here

       no -- mi mate giggles --

   i saw her you know
   february before last
   and gave her a bit of an update

       i know -- i am hit --
       but why did you have to tell that
       come-on-a-biscuit story
       in front of my sister
       and all her friends

   oh, fuck -- said i --
   they laughed at the time
   well, most of them did
   oh, i'm sorry luv
   did i embarrass you

       no, it's just they all remember it
       they think you're a freak

   oh -- sez i --
   i'm pretty sure
   i told it in the third person

       yes -- mi mate giggles some more --
       you did, but it's a freaky story
       i can't mention your name
       with out them bringing it up

   one lad did in the pub, as i remember
   bring it up
   -- and then i say --
   your sister's mates
   are very posh you know
   that doesn't mean they deserve it
   but your sister surely must know by now
   that if you're not around
   she dunt get to play me
   as her house trained
   working class mascot
   and you weren't around
   were you luv


       she got married the week after


   aknow,
   her and her new hubby
   sent me a post card from gretna
   she must have liked
   some o'mi stories
   are they still together

       yes -- giggles mi mate --
       she hates you though, you know

   ye, i hate her back
   he's a nice lad though
   i still have hope
   but i did tell him at the time
   marry in haste, repent in leisure

       no -- stops mi mate --
       that's not what they remember
       what was stopping them from marrying
       was they were such good friends
       that they feared divorce,
       and therefore feared getting wed
       and then they saw you, out of the blue
       still civil with your ex, and thought ..

   yes -- i interrupts --
   i know how your sister thinks
    if that nut job can keep it together
    then it should be relatively easy
    for the likes of me and thee
   are they happy

       yes, wondrously apparently
       went like a dream
       they got married again later
       another two services that same year
       i was in an out the country
       it was like, she took it on the road
       or at least up a gear

   never -- stops i --

       she did, just like when she gigged in germany
       one very big party in the lakes, fancy dress
       and then another, this time
       back home, far more tame
       but more outfits and photographs
       all the same, and then
       club to club
       around the north east


   poor bugger
   -- giggles i --

       -- i am kneed this time
          and mi mate repeats
          a persons name --

   yes, i went to see her
   i'd not seen her
   since she was a baby
    well i saw her briefly
    when i first came back from ireland
    but then her mam made it perfectly plain
    that i could only have access
    if we became lovers again
    and i reminded her, i'd just got married
    and i told her where to stick it
   but when i'd separated
   from mi kids' mam
   i thought fuck
   it doesn't really matter now
   i'll go try and sort the chaos
   got her mam's new number
   from her nanna
   and arranged to go see her

   she'd got herself a new bloke
   and a new kid
   and she's running a pub in the north
   he's not there, when i arrive
   but mi kid's mam is, we went together
   she didn't like it one bit
   we hang around, chat for about an hour
   and arrange for access,
   as though we were still together
   all very cordial, i can go up there
   sunday afternoons, take the child to the park
   we'll see how it goes after that

   but then as we're driving away
   we stopped off, down the road
   at a tobacconists, and then back in the car
   she said --

    kids are kids
    both of them are lovely
    what kid isn't
    but she intends to suck you in
    you can see by how she's shaping
    she's like a bitch on heat
    even when i was in the room
    i felt like slapping her
    and i don't care what you tell her
    but i suggest you maintain the fiction
    that me and you are still together
    and i don't want our kids mixing
    without my care and supervision ...

   ... and i take it on the chin
   and stare out the mini window
   still smoking, and i watch this bloke
   bend down to tie his black plimsolls
   distracted

   and mi kids' mam sez

     fuck
     it's him

   who, sez i

     quick
     what's the name of her ex
     i think it's him

   -- i tell her his name,
      and asks her bewildered
      how she knows him --

    i don't, she said
    but i think i've met his sister
    fuck, it's the same fucking story
    how did i miss this

    is it him

   if it is
   he's had his hair cut
   but look, the same colour

     -- and then she winds the window down
     and calls him over, by name
     and we spend the next six months
     fitting it all together

     fuck, i don't know
     i've heard it said
     that it's not hard to see your own face
     in the child of another man

     and fuck, it was a condensed time
     a lot had happened
     but it was almost like
     because i was so confined
     or even able to stand
     for quite a lot of it
     and you'd gone, and so you should have
     and we'd lost random
     and i felt such a gap
     a great big fucking ache in my life
     and her mother came along
     at just the right time
     with all the right stories to fill it
     and how ...


   -- i let my mate cry for a while
      and then i sey --

   i was thinking about ye
   a couple o'years ago
   and i worked out, over the years
   if you compress it all
   in to one single time slot
   me and thee, have spent
   less than three weeks together
   that's some going considering
   how much we've effected
   each other's lives

     i am so sorry -- sez mi mate --

   what for
   it was all my fault ...


   ... did i ever say thank you
   by the way

     -- mi mate giggles, and sez --
     yes kind sir, a few times
     i do find yorkshire
     so shakespearean
      why for art thou romeo


   oh -- sez i --
   what i usually find in your lot
   is nowt but vaux bitter
   and pease pudding

     -- i am nipped this time --
     ... but you knew her
     you knew what she was like

   yea, i do know her
   we've known each other
   since we were four
   and she didn't tell such big porkies then
   but then things happened
   many i suspect, a few i witnessed
   and she lives in many myths
   well we all do, i guess
   but hers change so much
   depending on the company


      do you still see her

   nayow -- i lol --
   i went to see her once later
   when we'd figured out what had really happened
   or at least some of it
   and asked her
   why she'd told me
   such a great whopper
   and she just said
    that was one issue
    her counsellor had told her
    she just musn't speak about
    outside the doors of therapy ...


   do you know what
   i'd have laughed then
   if not for
   it was only the month before
   that her ex had come get me
   in crisis, and took me to see his trick cyclist
   who was unable to click
   just quite what he was dealing with

    he took me in to a side room
    and asked me questions

    the first one was relatively easy

      nayow, nayow -- sez i --
      that one's true
      do you want to see
      the photos and the documentary evidence

    after he noted, that it would make
    a good case study, i found his second question
    a bit harder to answer, if only because i was laughing

      well, i don't know doctor -- sez i --
      i take your point, to the average punter
      on a clapham omnibus, it does sounds like
      a made up story, but some of it rings true

          what do you mean
          how can any of this
          ring true -- sez he --

      i don't know what i mean really doctor
      in my experience of this issue
      it's the bits that ring true
      that ring false too, as i say
      adunt know really doctor
      am glad to be out of it
      and just stick to the essentials ...

  do you know,
  the doctor asked me i how felt
  at that point, i thought
  that's funny, i thought i'd just told him

      as i said doctor
      it's nice to be out of it
      but am here on behalf of her ex
      who seems to me to be in the best position
      to give their child some stability

      but you know what
      i really did go to school with her mam

      do you know who her dad is doctor

      nayow, neither does she
      but she's had quite a few
      never the less, and made up quite a few
      from the little bits of documentary evidence
      and photos, she managed to piece together
      when her family finally told her
      who her mam really was

      i don't know how many different names she's had now
      i know i saw her on the t.v. one boxing day
      with an eastern european moniker
      on the news, camouflaged between the pinks
      sat on their mounts with their monocles
      but still talking, to the reporters
      very amicable, she was
      i thought, she's got married again
      but when i heard her new surname pronounced
      i thought nayow, that's an old one
      she used to tell that one at school
       her dad's really a georgian jew
       auswitch survivor, who dint stick around
       like he ought to, but who knows doctor
      your guess is as good as mine ...



             -- ... spater --

             i think you're very honorable
             i always have


   i doubt mi girlfriend would agree

             will you tell her about me

   tell her what
   how long you staying

            the last coach leaves at four
            but if we go by car
            and leave at six
            no one will know any difference

   oh, we've still got a good few hours then ...


             -- ... spater --

   ... i have told her about you
   any time any body gets to see mi knees
   i end up talking about you, sooner or later
   i've told quite a few, about you ...



            what is she like

   she's good

            good at what
            what does she do

   a variety of things
   i don't think she's
   what you would call excellent
   at any one of them yet,
   or whether any one needs to be
   she's young, making her way through life
   still learning, well
   we all are, i meant
   she's a good person, you know
   the normal meaning, very caring
   high degree of honesty
   always trying to help folk,
   a gentle soul

            you do love her don't you

   yes, i told you

            -- mi mate cries again
               and again apologies --

   what for, being here
   if you weren't here
   i wouldn't be any where
   would i, and in any case
   what is there not to love
   why wouldn't any body love her
   why doen't any body love you
   for that matter, well
   other than me ...

            -- mi mate continued
               with what they were doing
               so, so did i --

   but i can't believe
   you'd be with me now
   if your mam was still alive ...


   ... just like, i don't believe
   she'd be with me
   if her dad was either


              -- ... a little later --


              mam always asked me about you
              she used to say ...


               -- ... a little later --


   ... i like your mam too
   similar reasons, family mainly
   and the work she did
   and she always spoke to me
   like your sister did, and like you do too
   not many did back then ...

   ... hey -- starts i --
   did i ever tell you
   about mi old maths teacher
   this old bloke, called omrod
   i nearly went out
   with one of his nieces
   strawberry picking, and she kissed me
   but she knew better


              -- mi mate giggles --

               no

   well i ought to
   he grabbed hold of mi once
   after i'd handed in
   past paper after past paper
   without dropping a stitch
   and he said
    i've been doing this for so long now
    i could learn a monkey
    to get a pass mark
    but with you, it has become a second language
    as it was once was with me
    but it is not language
    it is the real, it is the applied
    push your arm against this wall
    feel the compression in it
    hold my hand and pull
    let's feel the tension in it ...


    and i did ...


              ... hey, mister stop that you
              i remember you telling me
              that you and your geology teacher
              used to snog quite publicly
              in the sixth form common room
              why should i trust anything
              originating from your old school ...

    oh ...
    it was only at christmas
    occasionally on a lunch time
    and sometimes, on a folk night
    geology is geology init
    botany's the same, earth sciences
    all cuddles
    and woolly jumpers
    but i dint snog omrod
    or any of the married ones
    not even on festivities
    you've got a few woolly jumpers too
    haven't ye you, pease pudding
    hey teacher, you've got glasses now
    and everything ...

               stop it ...

              -- ... spater --


    if you ever
    get to that point again
    or any where close
    let me know, and al come get you ye

               i couldn't
               i thought of you obviously
               i think about you a lot

    am sorry luv

               -- mi mate shakes their head --

    it's grieve you know this
    you've done nowt but cry
    since you got here
    -- sez i to mi mate
       who wasn't crying at the time
       but who then began to --


    a lot of people turned up
    to her funeral didn't they
    i suspect you didn't know a few

                i didn't know half of them
                really, i'd heard of them
                but she did so much
                'her rounds', as she used to call them

    aknow, a met a bloke
    in klute one night from shields
    said he went, said she taught him physics
     about as big as me, but fairer and wavy
     his hair, south paw

                but she didn't teach physics

    aknow, i was confused too
    i thought, he was on about ye dad
    but no, he said, she brought him the books
    and the papers, got him to read them
    and tested him on his comprehension
    were there a lot like that

                yes

    a lot of people must miss her
    as well as you
    if not to the same degree

                yes

    i remember reading somewhere
    a funeral is far prettier
    than a death, and i remember
    telling mi grandad, when he asked me
    how do you feel, when we out the front
    of the wake, smoking,
    when we'd got back from our chab's
    and i said, relieved, and he just looked at me
    like i was from a different world
    and throw my surname at me
    as though it was a swear word

    but you do sometimes dunt ye
    or may do, but leave it unsaid
    but the guilt is real never the less
    but why should any one have to suffer like that

    but it was quicker with your mother
    in one way, in that she had a shorter ending
    and have heard you say, you regret
    being so physically distant,
    in the later part of her life
    and felt you left many things unsaid
    but she knew the most important thing,
    you both did
    you'd told one another, many and often
    distance doesn't break, so strong a pattern ...



              -- ... spater --



    girls -- sez i --
    it were all girls
    at your house
    weren't it

    your mam, had a bit of irish
    in her though, dint she


             -- mi mate giggles --

    have you ever heard
    an irish-the-brother story
    this is the basic form

      me and the brother
      have an encyclopedic memory
      ask me any question, go on
      go on, any question

           what's the capital
           of outer mongolia

      ah jaysus, it's the brother
      that knows the answer to that one
      ask me another ...

    well, am at the brother's funeral
    and his big mate paul, you met once
    is telling this very elaborate tale
    about what our chab had been up to
    with out anyone's apparent awareness

      and i said
      nayow, fuck off
      tha on'y trying to cheer me up
      cos a screwed up his chances
      with that nice lass at cambridge

          nayow -- sez he --
          am not, what tha on about
          had have done the same misen
          if i wa' thee, tha knows me

          and any way
          if i wanted to cheer thi up
          -- and he looks round
             and sez --
          does tha know
          who have just seen here
          in the lavs, i got confused
          can tha remember that lad
          who used to play chess
          with your big chab,
          on a lunch time
          tight curly hair

       yes -- sez i
              and i name him --

          that's right -- sez paul --
          he's over there

     and i look around
     and there's loads i instantly recognise
     loads i don't, just loads
     fuck, considering he didn't get out much
     mainly communicating in writing
     and poetry, doing his books
     and open university
     hundreds, fifty from our local at least
     but i can't spot the face
     of our big chab's chess partner
     it's like playing where's-wally

       -- i shake mi head at paul --

         i'll give you a clue
         -- sez he,
            nodding to the lady next to him --
         he's wearing exactly the same dress
         as mi misses here, i told you
         i got confused ...

         -- later ... --



           it's not a question of economics
           -- sez mi mate --
           i wouldn't want to bring
           a child in to this world
           what to do, suffer

     oh

           well look at it

     i do, i'm looking at it now
     it doesn't work like that though
     does it

           i wouldn't, i don't know
           how you could,
           with what you know about the world

    -- i stand up
       and stare at mi mate
       with some seriousness --

    well every time i have done so before
    they've come between eight and ten months
    after doing stuff, like what we've been doing
    for the last sixteen hours ...


        -- later ... --

    have heard it said
    what a cow and countess
    can do in nine
    a newly wed can do in five

           i wouldn't, i'm not
           don't worry

    i'm not, i just don't understand you
    sometimes, what you're thinking
    you did biology at school
    dint ya, dint ya

          i wouldn't -- sobs mi mate --
          i don't want to
          i didn't want to
          what it is with you
          what is it with us

    it's grieve, yours
    -- barks i --
    why do you keep falling for this
    what you looking for
    should i paint mi nails

          you are scaring me

    good, i'm glad it is me this time
    if only because, i love you so very much
    and i think you're in desperate need
    of a wake up call

          you are so mean to me

    it's emotion, you'll soon be gone
    and i want you safe, can you tell me
    when we'll meet again, no
    same as always,
    but you've come looking for me
    never the less
    which must mean, there's something very wrong
    with all the really nice blokes you know
    or you certainly wouldn't be here
    with the likes of me

          it is not like that

    nayow
    never is

          you are so mean ...

          you just don't know ...

          i wouldn't
          how could i
          do that to you

     do what to me, it was very nice thanks
     you seemed to enjoy it at the time too
     all am saying is this, wake up luv
     you did biology at school

         i wouldn't
         i think sometimes you're trying to trap me
         i think, i think
         in fact -- mi mate stands --

      what -- sez i --

         i think you've hypnotised me

      oh, blinking heck
      -- sez i giggling --
      if only
      i just love ye

      dunt get me mixed up
      with the other irish brother story
      -- i giggle --
      have you heard the one
       about the other irish brother
      well, i don't know what he said directly
      to mi kid's mam at our chab's funeral
      but he was very detached
      until we later hit the bottle
      and he was going, from person to person
      as though he was doing his day job
      i know he told me, at the time
      that of course, he'd planned for this
      eventually, and was gathering
      evidence for another post grad thesis
      as we spoke, but to her
      allegedly, he was using
      what she described, as cheep sales techniques
      to manage her through the process

         what the fuck's up with him
         she sez to me

      he's grieving ...


      he told me one though later
      about hypnotism, oh
       he married one of yor lot
       up in the lost dominions
      well, he told one, one day
      about how he was learning
      this group of folk about trances
      at sterling, and was explaining
      about how to anchor state changes
      to a person's tiring physical state

      you'll have seen the likes
       on the telly
        you know
        you're eyelids are getting heavy
         and you're beginning to get drowsy

      well, the trick he is learning
      involves putting your arm in the air
      like this -- sez i, as i do --
      and the all class did too

      one bloke though, got upset
      karate expert, every body else
      apparently, in the room
      arms down, and away
      in some relaxed land of nod
      and this bloke still with his hand up
      in the class, perplexed

        i can't do it
        -- sez he --
        i don't have a subconscious
        i only have a conscious

      no, no -- giggles mi brother --
      wrong exercise
      don't worry, don't worry
      you'll find your space
      just like yoga


      well, out side the class room
      the other brother later that day
      in the early evening,
      back from the shops
      munching on some choc
      comes across the same bloke
      working out, sparing with one
      of his karate mates

      mi brother sits and watches
      until the sparing partner
      leaves fatigued to protestation
      and the sighs of his opponent

      the brother puts up his arm
      i could help if you wish, sez he

      the bloke laughs, i think
      at the brother's age
      and relative diminutive frame
      then stopped short i guess from politeness

      no, no
      -- giggles the brother --
      i used to do things like this
      when i was younger
      but i meant with that one
      pointing to a long stick
      with bamboo bunched at its ends
      meant to inflict noise and stings
      rather than full blown things

      you just defend yes
      if you attack
      then you'll obviously win
      and hurt me

      and the bloke goes for it
      and the other swings

      dush, duush -- goes the big bamboo --

       dush, duush ...


    well, he used to practice like this
    on me too, when i was a kid
    and he always used to sey
    just stay still, stay still ye
    i won't hurt ye, with whatever
    the iron, or the nunchaku

      dush, duush -- goes big bamboo --


          -- mi mate giggles --

    did our chab tell ye the one
    when he stayed at ours
    about when the brother
    first went up to the lost valleys
    doing his first degree in physics
    and taking calls for the samaritans
    in his extra-curricular
    metaphysical night duties
    help line operator

    no, well
    finally, he used to the field
    all the calls
    yes, sez he
    i need to stop you there
     to the next punter
      and pass you over
       to one of my colleagues
        i recognise the person
         you say is the route cause
          of your desperation
           er, actually the person
             you've just described
              is me

    -- i shake mi head
       to mi mate, and sey --

    you couldn't make stuff like this up
    even if you wanted to

         boys
         good grief

    aknow
    do you know what he said to me once
    way back when, in the r.v.i.
    after i'd realised
    i really was awake
    and not in some passing nightmare ...


    -- ... later --


   hello luv
   we need to be going in a bit
   if we're going

          are you sure you don't mind
          the driving

   it's too late to mind init
   if you're going
   it's passed four
   and no, course i don't mind

          you're mad

   nayow i'm not
   -- sez i --
   i'm a washing machine
   -- and rotate mi arm
      around the air
      fast, like a spin cycle --

          totally barking
          -- continues mi mate --
          you just never change

   oh, i do
   dafty, i do for you

          we've done it again
          haven't we
          what is it with us

   dunno, chemistry
   as in, keep your hands
   on your chemistry

          -- mi mate giggles --

   will you tell your sister
   where you've been

          no -- giggles mi mate --
          not unless i'm pregnant

   ah, good
   but tell me first you, promise

          promise -- giggles mi mate --
          but i won't be, don't worry ...