[ssf] love in the time of genocide

kernel moutarde adam at diamat.org.uk
Tue Jan 6 14:56:00 GMT 2009


  a) there is this thing called ...
  ---------------------------------

    "In any given time,
     most people have accepted
     the cruelest wrongs as right

     Whether through indifference,
     ignorance, or brutality,
     most people, oppressor and oppressed,
     have apologized for atrocity,
     defended it, justified it, excused it,
     laughed at it, or ignored it

     The oppressor,
     the one who perpetrates the wrongs
     for his own pleasure or profit,
     is the master inventor of justification

     He is the magician who,
     out of thin air,
     fabricates wondrous, imposing,
     seemingly irrefutable intellectual reasons
     which explain why one group must be degraded
     at the hands of another

     He is the conjurer
     who takes the smoking ash of real death
     and turns it into stories, poems, pictures,
     which celebrate degradation as life's central truth

     He is the illusionist
     who paints mutilated bodies in chains
     on the interior canvas of the imagination
     so that, asleep or awake,
     we can only hallucinate indignity and outrage

     He is the manipulator of psychological reality,
     the framer of law,
     the engineer of social necessity,
     the architect of perception and being"

     http://www.nostatusquo.com/ACLU/dworkin/WarZoneChaptIVA.html


  b) we fly balloons on this fuel called ...
  ------------------------------------------

  to the smell of hot creosote
  at the back of a small laboratory
  i heard this ditty sung one shift
  by an old bloke, us head chemist
  nick named dunky --

     stand, by, your beds
     here comes the air vice marshall
     he's got bags of stripes
     but he's only got one arse hole

  -- i look round at him
     and he nods --

     they used to call 'em wankers tha knows
     us bunks

     wakey wakey
     hands off shakey
     -- he intones --
     drop your rocks
     and grab your socks

  bromine -- i suggest --

              erm, erm, u mean bromide
              -- corrects micheal
                 to the right of us --

     i don't think it would have had any effect r kid
     -- sez dunky --
     not with that crew ...


  ... i told mi mate one about dunky recently
  about cribbage scoring and over pegging ...

  -- we'd have us snap first
     the four of us, we three above
     and little trevor, then clear the crumbs
     siden the table, and around it
     play crib in paired couples --


     ... go wash your hands
     -- would snarl dunky --
     before touching these cards
     am not having you
     marking them ...

  -- well, it wasn't as though
     the cards weren't marked to fuck
     in the first place
     if one but looked
     but it was the pegging
     that dunky took umbrage with
     to the extent of having to hand
     a large brass cog to rap weight behind
     his pegging corrections --

     ... shuffle
      cut for box
       shuffle and deal five ...

     ... these cards are very sticky
     are ya sure ye washed ye hands
     throw one in the box then
     cut for his nobility
     king nine
     that's a box breaker
     here r kid
     let's begin
     7 with a 7

  15-2

              21 for 3

                     31 for 2 ...



  -- dunky, used to irritate folk
     when he filled in as shift supervisor
     on holiday cover, he'd irritate me
     when he worked the night shift
     if only because, it left us short
     of a fourth lunch time player

  i asked this character briggy one day
  to come and fill in for doubles --

   not today sweetheart
   -- sez briggy --
   i can't concentrate
   it's thi mate, dunky
   he just dunt care
   he's a fucking nightmare ...

  -- and with that, briggy departed
     back in to his office
     with a cup of char and a newspaper --

  ... what's up wi her
  'as she got an headache
  -- sez i
     to mi mate little trevor --

    nayow,
     dunky rang him up last night
      loads ...

     here r kid
     does tha know that 50 pen mix
     we've got going out to knottingly
     does tha think if we did this
     then that might happen

  well mebe -- sez briggzy --
  can't we leave this til the morning

     ok r kid
     -- said dunky, but then after,
        about half an hour later
        he rang him up again --

     here r kid
     does tha know how this effluent's been high
     well i was thinking
     if we did this to the bug plant
     then we might get this to happen

  the bug plant -- barks briggzy --
  surely this one can wait til morning

      i wain't be there in the morning r kid
      will i -- sez dunky --
      i'll be sleeping
      but am awake now
      and when i'm awake
      it's a privilege for others to get their kip
      not a right ...

  -- a giggle
     and sey --

  cou'n't he have left 'em a note

       course he could
       -- replies little trev --
       he always does
       when he's on a night shift
       reams of the stuff
       i think they hate it tha knows
       they have to think about it ...

         come on -- sez trev --
         we'll play singlets, wi micheal
         winner stays on, loser pegs
         we'll not get the cog art today ...



  -- i think the cog said more about dunky though
     than us, although i just don't know
     i was only in mi teens
     when i started playing in that crib school
     and in hindsight, youthful innocence
     however manifest, seldom remains uncorrupted
     as one get's older, if only because nowadays
     corruption is passed off, or otherwise portrayed
     by the politicos as being the real, mature
     and every enduring state of humanity ...


  c) ... now when the storms are in your head ...
  -----------------------------------------------


  you've got a good memory you
  you'd make a great detective
  -- i said to someone long ago --

              i have a photographic memory
              -- said this someone --
              but it is very selective
              i'd think i'd make a politician ...


  -- i was round at theirs recently
     this someone made me laugh again
     we were making beige cardboard boxes
     and packing stuff up for a shift
     we stood back, and this someone
     pointed, to their designer bags
     brimming, with bits and bobs collected
     off dressing tables tops and said --


              ... look, i am redundant
              and i have become a bag women

  -- i giggled and replied --

  can you remember
  you said once upon a time
  if you were to marry me
  you'd end up as a bag lady

              no, did i
              when

  when i asked you to marry me

              you've never asked me to marry you

  yes i did
  can't you remember

              no, i think i would have recalled

  can't ye, well it dunt matter
  it was a long time ago, up in the arts tower
  but you said --
     no, if we got married
     we'd end up living in a small place
     probably in what your old school
     call a potentially violent area
     just before we split
     and you wondered the streets
     as a bag lady

              oh, yes, now i recall, vaguely
              you were in work then weren't you

  yes

              and you were serious

  i thought so
  but if you missed it
  i couldn't have been serious enough
  can't you remember me asking

              no, not really
              not any serious proposal

  it's funny init, memory


              -- the lady nods
                 and says --

              ah, did you have a ring

  no

              well then
              -- says this someone --
              how was i suppose to know
              you were being serious ...


  -- i bite mi thumb knuckle
   and shake mi head
    this someone shakes their head too
      and in time sez --

              did i hurt you

   no,
   i dint work out like that, did it
   you were there
   we'd been faffing about for quite a bit
   and i wasn't going anywhere romatically
   until i cleared the air with you
   and it cleared the air with you ...

              -- the lady nods --


   -- in time i say --
   you'll get work again you know

              sure, sure
              i haven't looked yet really
              i can't, not here
              the only work available to me here
              is the type i did when i was a student
              it's like i've wasted all the time in between


  nayow, you haven't
  you being doing other stuff too
  and it's just a profession
  when all said and done
  and you've had others
  and in any case
  your skills are transferable
  i mean, i don't have your profession
  but have done the degrees
  and they come in very handy at work
  you bound to get a start somewhere


              of course i'll get a start somewhere
              as you term it
              i just don't want to start again here
              i can't go back, you understand
              it won't be as daunting
              in a different city
              to start again


  yes, i understand
  we've not managed
  to nationalise you yet then
  i thought we had


              you don't get nationalised
              by a city silly
              and it isn't as though
              i'm leaving the country


  i know ..
  oh, what did i read the other day
  it was a quote about re training
  borges i think, he imagined a time
  much like ours, in that the political class
  had very much lost their direction
  if they'd ever had one to begin with
  and as a matter of practicality
  had been off-hired, before they could do
  any further damage, he noted
  that the politicians, post dismissal
  tended to make a living
  as faith healers or comedians


              i have a quote for you
              it's from little dorrit --


               the circumlocution office was
               (as everybody knows without being told)
               the most important department under government

               no public business of any kind
               could possibly be done at any time
               without the acquiescence of the circumlocution office

               its finger was in the largest public pie,
               and in the smallest public tart

               it was equally impossible to do the plainest right
               and to undo the plainest wrong
               without the express authority
               of the circumlocution office

               if another gunpowder plot had been discovered
               half an hour before the lighting of the match,
               nobody would have been justified in saving the parliament
               until there had been half a score of boards,
               half a bushel of minutes,
               several sacks of official memoranda,
               and a family-vault full of ungrammatical correspondence,
               on the part of the circumlocution office ...


  -- i giggle, and sez --
  it's kafkaesque, init
  like gilliam's brazil

              -- this some one nods, and sez --
              tell me now tuttle
              would you be moving
              if you were me


  sure, if i was single
  i'd be long gone ...



  -- later that night in hindsight
  i was struck be the following thought --


  what do i mean,
  if i was single,
  i'd be long gone
  i am single also ...



  -- a child asked me one a bit ago --

  you'd never hit mummy would you

            -- i looked at the kid's mam
               shake me head,
               lolled a little and said --

            nayow
            dunt be a dafty

  am not daft me
  -- sez the kid --
  you could be mi new dad

            -- i look at the kid's mam
               say something benign to the child
               and am thinking --

            you don't have to hit people
            to hurt them ...



  -- half a life ago
     one o'mi mates said
     allegedly --

             i know he's a lunatic
             but he's my lunatic

  -- mi mate was talking
     about me at the time
     if mi grandad had been there
     no doubt he's have said somat laconic,
     like --

   it's got to that stage
   then, has it

  -- if i'd have been there
     i suspect i'd have just valued the 'my'

     i'd asked mi mate then
     if they would consider mariage

     they were studying an ology
     and said no
     but they would consider
     having a child by either
     aragon or daley thompson --

            you must like the taste of wedding cake

            -- queried a scottish miner mate, a lot later
               when we stood above a slip form chamber
               near the niche upon sylvester, me returning
               from a twelve week scan, conclusive evidence
               of another option ---

  nayow
  it's not like that
  i don't think i'll have to this time
  i don't think she's that bothered
  and anyway, have on'y just got married
  to someone else, we've got a baby too
  we've not been split up long
  i'd need to get another divorce first

            fuck, what does your misses think
            does she know

  course she knows
  what can she think
  it's been quick
  but we had a clean split
  and we're still talking
  i suspect one part of her mind
  wants to cut mi bollocks off though ...


  --  a couple of years before
      the phone rang, and i answered it --

  main drainage

                   is that you
                   -- says the person
                      at the other end of the phone --

  -- i recognise the voice
     and say --

  yes it's me
  is that you
  you've just caught me
  i'm just about to get off

                   well go then
                   -- says the person
                   with some abruptness --

  oh, is that what you rang for

                   -- silence --

  hallo
  are you still there
  -- and i say the persons name --

                   yes, i'm still here


  what's wrong

                   it'll wait
                   when will you be back

  sunday night
  what's up

                   please ring me when you get back

  what's up

                   -- silence and then other sounds --

  -- i say the persons name again
     more as a query than anything else --


                   i think i'm pregnant

  oh ...
  have you done a test

                   yes of course i've done a test

  well then
  you probably are

                   how can i be

  what do you mean
  how can you be
  where are you

                   what

  where are you
  geographically

                   oh, at jane's

  does she know

                   yes, i had to tell someone

  good, can you pack a bag
  and i'll come get you

                   i can't come with you
                   and besides
                   i can't be pregnant
                   i just can't

  what do you mean
  you can't
  you did biology at school dint ya

                   i mean i can't be pregnant
                   not now
                   not with you

  has there been anybody else

                   no, of course not

  then it must be me then

                   no, i mean
                   you have a plan for life
                   that doesn't involve this
                   that doesn't involve me
                   in fact, you've planned against this

  i know, i'll come pick you up
  i want to see you

                   no, go to scotland
                   and call me when you get back
                   we both need to think about our options
                   we'll both have time while you're away

  no, we need to do this together
  can you be ready in half an hour

                   i can't come with you

  course you can
  and we'll stick together at least
  until we know what we're going do

                   i know what i'm going do
                   -- barks the lady --
                   i'm keeping it

  a know, i wouldn't have thought otherwise
  nor would have i persuaded you
  to do otherwise
  i meant, what we're going to do
  not you just by yourself

                   i can't
                   you've not planned for this

  listen sweetheart
  reality supersedes any plan o'mine
  it always has
  i'll pick you up yeah
  i do love you, you know
  if it's any consolation ...



  -- the lady above rang me some time later
     i was expecting her call
     things had happened that day
     and i was distracted

     i answer the phone
     with the name of my work --

                   is that you
                   -- says the lady --

  -- i recognise her voice, smiled
     and said yes and how's it going --

                   i've had my baby

  when -- sez i --

                   about an hour ago

  oh,
  every thing alright

                   yeah she's fine

  what about you

                   yeah, just fine

  what, just fine
  just like the last time

                   yeah, well
                   nothing to write home about
                   i'll tell you all about it
                   when you're down
                   at the weekend

  wow, well done you
  what weight
  hold on, wait
  have you seen the news
  no one will forget this birthday in a hurry

                   no, what you on about

  haven't you seen it
  two planes have crashed
  in to skyscrapers in new york
  the telly's saying it's terrorists
  it's all over the news

                   news, news
                   -- barked the lady --
                   i'm telling you
                   what the news is today
                   i've just had a baby ...



  -- after i split from the lady above
     i went round to an old mate
     and filled them in about it --

    is it final
    -- said mi old mate --

  yes, i think i've done it
  as cleanly as i could

    i thought you loved her


  i do
  -- sez i --
  but we didn't split up
  through any lack of love
  either though did we luv

    no, i guess not
    how is she

  not good
  but she knew it was coming
  but she thought
  i'd be open to negotiation

    oh,
    it is that final then

  yes, i'm leaving the flat next week
  and am going to be lodging
  with a mate for a bit ...
  no, lower your eyebrows
  a male mate, a colleague from work

    you've had this planned

  yes, in one way yes
  i made the decision
  a long time ago
  or rather, something happened
  and i knew i had to move
  or get swallowed, but it's been very difficult
  i hate doing this, it's heartbreaking
  every time

    is she at the flat now
    do you want me to go round

  yeah, her mates are with her
  she's been poorly all week
  tummy bug apparently,
  had leave it a day or two
  if i were you, but i don't think
  it'd do any harm, a familiar face
  and you could talk her through
  the benefits if you don't mind

    sure,
    what about the house

  oh, it's gone through
  we exchanged last week
  she'll be out of the flat before me
  i think it'll better for her
  a fresh start

    sure,
    the kids had picked up on it you know

  i suppose they were bound to
  are they alright

    yes
    i didn't want to mention it
    it's between you two
    and that's what i told our two
    don't worry, this won't disturb them too much
    is there room at your friends for weekends

  sure, we'll be a bit squashed mind
  for a bit, but look at her
  she dunt tek up much room ...

  -- i point to my baby asleep
     on the table between us
     in a removable rear facing car crib --

  .... and mi mate won't mind
  if i tidy up his gaff a little
  and make more space
  although he might turn his nose up
  if i use an aerosol

    you could come and stay with us
    on a weekend if it would make things easier

  thank you

    good,
    then i'll get to see more of her

  -- i lol and sez --
  always look on the bright side

    no one's died
    in fact, quite the reverse
    where is the negative
    -- corrects my mate --

  -- i nod --

    -- mi mate looks over at my baby sleeping
       and sez --

    i thought she'd have fought for you more

  she did
  but it didn't matter

    that's what i mean
    i thought she was a lot stronger than that

  yeah, no, she is
  i mean i don't think it matted
  or rather, i don't think i matted
  i mean, it wasn't 'i' that was her bottom line
  she already had her bottom line
  from when she first met me
  it must have felt like her top
   she knew i was a dad
   that kept in touch with his kids
   she'd not seen many like that before
   she used to come around on a weekend
   just to get used to the idea
   any thing beyond that was pure romance ...

   -- i stop, and shake mi head --

   ... i wanted to do so much better this time
   for her, and i've just put her through
   a life time of pain, and i don't want to hurt her
   ever, ever again ...

   -- i shake my head again
      and sey --

    what is wrong with me

     -- mi old mate looks at me
        and sez --

     you're emotional

  -- i lol, and sey --

  am going to get back
  am going to miss her

  -- i stand up
     pick up my baby
     stop lolling
     and sey --

  am going to really miss them

    when, -- states me mate --
    you know where there going
    you've just got them a house
    you have had this planned for a long while
    haven't you

  -- i stop at the door --
  no, well, it wasn't quite like that
  but this one's well rehearsed

     how do you mean
     -- mi old mate is intrigued --

  well she knew that after i finished with you
  i was happy to walk with just mi books and mi records
  so if i was expected anything more on top from her
  i was thinking like a romantic

    -- mi old mates roars lolling --
    did she really say that
    the young are very resilient

  aren't they though
  but no, am joshing
  she dint have to
  am that used to
  representing her interests
  i do it as a matter of course
  all i've done, is tried to get her a start

    -- mi mate said something to me then
       that was probably meant to be a compliant
       so i didn't let it lie, and sez --

  but you're right about the young
  am not going to do so well
  with the music this time
  her and me like the same stuff you see
  with you, we either had doubles
  or we were just a generation apart

     i ought to throw this cushion at you
     go, and give me call if you need to ...



  d) ... we fly balloons on this fuel called
  ------------------------------------------


  oh, i was up north recently
  and i heard one in a pub

  four blokes walk in to a bar
  paddy irish, taffy welsh
  jock the scot and tommy english

  well, the person behind the counter
  just took one look at them
  and said --

     what's this,
     another joke

           -- mi mate laughs and sez --

           why did you go up there
           have you got anything to confess
           you know we're keeping a sweepstake


   oh don't,
   it got a bit heavy

           -- mi mate roars with laughter
           and sez --

           it always gets a bit heavy with yor one

           oh -- stops mi mate
                 and enquires as to the course
                 of a family dispute --


     nayow, they're talking again
     -- i reply --
     they're back to lovey dovey
     well, it's not quite the same
     he's older now, inhe

     it was very peculiar though
     it was great having him around again
     full time, but he's a lot bigger now
     he's way bigger than me
     and am sure he's still growing
     and have got back used to the space,
     of a weekend daddy
     also, he's quite a raconteur ye know
     i don't know where he gets it from
     do you know, i found myself
     having to have words with him
     i ended up correcting his english
     of all things


           -- mi mate roars in laughter again --


     we were down, doing a shop
     on infirmary road, just a couple
     o'bits and bobs, toiletries,
     he got a comic, and i got a bottle of grouse

     the whiskey had a plastic security collar
     have you seen them, this one's white,
     the lass at the counter
     bangs the neck of the bottle
     very precisely in to a socket
     beside her till that somehow
     magnetically frees the spirit

     bang, bang, bang, baang,
      she's goes
     other folk are looking
     not just me,
     bang, bang, bang, baang
     she goes once more, and it comes off
     she's obviously done that trick before
     and they smile at each other, sweet
     and chat about the comic

     i keep out of it,
     i don't get most of the references
     i've not seen the same movies
     and a lot of the actors
     i only know by face
     but am standing
     well out of this one
     whilst they chit chat

     but,
     it din't take them that long
     flicking through the mag,
     pointing to various characters
     before they'd built up
     to some kind of crescendo
     and she says to him --

       i'm not bothered
       i have a boyfriend
       in fact i'm engaged

     and she shows him a ring

     to which, he just mumbles
     some patronising apology
     about it not being her fault
     as he found her sex
     of little interest


     so i said to him as we departed --
      what was that all about
      she's only here to do her job
      if you can't be civil
      you best stow it

         it was her not me that started it
         -- sez he --
         and anyway, she obviously doesn't understand me
         does she, or she wouldn't have shown me the ring

     i don't think i understand it
     -- i replied --
     but that last bit
     held me intrigued

         what -- sez he --
         when i played the gay card

     oh, you were playing -- sez i --
     it dint sound very gay to me
     it sounded more like sour grapes ...

    --  you know, all that learning
    and he didn't get the reference
    now you know i don't mind
    how love manifests itself
    between any of the seven sexes
    but it was the head game aspect
    that held my dandy irritated ...


           -- mi mate roars with laughter again
           and says --

           what is courtship
           if not head games


     no don't
     but i know
     i tried to keep out it
     but finally i found myself saying -
      listen sweetheart, i'm not your friend
      am your dad


                 oh -- giggles mi mate --
                 did it get that bad


     nayow, not really
     but sometimes, i just felt
     i needed to nip things in the bud


                 -- mi mate grins
                    and nods --

                 so did you


    did i what

                 the sweepstake
                 it's grim up north


    -- i stare at mi mate
    and state the name of a second lady
    briefly explaining how we became involved
    via various happenstance --

    so afterwards, after that first night anyway
    -- sez i -- once we'd secured the house
    and picked up the motorbike
    but before the bobbies became involved
    we went out for a few beers and a curry
    and that's where she asked me
    just straight out, during the poppadoms
    no messing --

      are you seeing anybody presently


    well i looked at her, smiled
    nodded to his mother, sat next to her
    and said --
      yes, other than this lady
      i spend a lot of time
      with the mothers of my other kids too

            but your not with them,
            with them are you

      no, not at the mo
      -- i replied --
      i am with you two, you two
      aren't i

       -- his mam intervened
       at that pedant
       and translated for me --

       no, he's messing
       he's not with anyone no
       not presently

      nayow i'm not -- sez i --
      i think i'm in enough trouble
      as it is, don't you ...

                 -- mi mate grins
                    and nods --

                 so did you

     did i what

                 -- mi mate names the second lady --

     no

                 oh


     don't look so disappointed


                 well
                 i was looking forward to a good story
                 you could always make one up

     i don't have to, i do have one for you
     listen, i'll go and get another drink
     same again

                 no wait, i'll get them in ...



                 -- mi mate goes up to the bar
                    there, there is a blackboard
                    upon it written in red green and white
                    'mixed olives' and a price
                    i follow mi mate to the bar
                    and get a bowl full
                    with a couple of cocktail sticks --


     i passed a lot of shops shut down
     on the way here tonight

     have you heard about woolys
     where am i gonna get mi brasso from
     where's anybody

                 -- mi mate nods, and
                    i pop one olive in my mouth
                    and ask --

     how's the credit crunch chewing you

                 well, -- tuts mi mate --
                 i'm somewhat buffeted
                 because i work in education
                 but we laid one hundred off last month
                 and have another hr1 notice pending

                 i had a bloke come up to me the month before
                 who'd lost his job in the city
                 corporate side though, 120 a year
                 said he'd settle for 40

                 well i don't have 40 spare
                 who does


     -- i nod this time --


                 what about you


     yeah well, we've got a few little bits
     not enough though, unless i pull mi finger out
     we've not had enough all this last year really
     we'll probably fold the business
     and reform as some sort of social enterprise


                 -- mi mate nods
                    and says --

                 that would probably suit you better


     yeah, and it would mean
     i might get to get to sack misen again
     you never know,
     i might get away with it this time


                 -- mi mate roars with laughter
                    and asks after my work colleague --


     oh, i had a strange one the other day
     i was round at mi welsh mate's
     chatting about a prototype fab lab
     and mi work colleague turns up in passing
     had not seen them for a couple of days
     so i told them the outcome
     of a job had gone for, well
     the possible cash side of it anyway
     small job, start january
     nowt to it really
     the client and me
     talk it through
     in front of a screen
     i show the client
     relevant stuff we'd done in the past
     and matched up the specific requirements
     and wishes

     kids kept knocking and coming in with cards
     i thought the client would have been stricter
     given their position, but they just melted
     and coughed, before becoming stern enough
     to evict the kids from the office
     other teachers passing, seeing
     what was happening, herded the kids
     with their good wishes
     down the adjacent corridor

     but every time it happened
     within thirty seconds
     the head's screen save came up
     showing sea frothing over
     the beautiful still smiling body
     of a relaxed bronzed youth

     i stare at the picture
     turn my head sideways
     to turn landscape to portrait
     and smile back at the face

     he's beautiful, says i
     the head nods, smiles and says --

        yes, he's my son
        he died recently
        sometimes i just don't know
        how i'm going to make it

    i shake mi head at the parent
    and they shake for a bit
    then smile and say --

        i have a very strong faith
        there must be some purpose

    i chat to the client
    and ask how it happened

      -- i shake mi head at mi mate
         in the pub, and state --

      probably best to stay away
      from the details, tragic
      tragic, work accident
      the paramedics were just pumping fluids
      in to him, so he was still warm
      for when his mam and dad arrived
      his death was pretty much instantaneous

     -- i look at mi mate, and think
        well, whatever i think i sez --

    i had a meeting with a paramedic recently
    i think she took to me ...

    -- i name the lady
       her name rhymes
       with the previous lines --

                 -- mi mate roars with laughter again --

    i wrote the peugeot off
    it's taken mi this long
    to get this movement back
    -- sez i, meking a weird movement
       with one of mi arms --

                   what happened -- asked mi mate
                                    concerned --


     oh, kids
     fucking about
     playing chase round one of the villages
     longston, longstale, or something
     bang out towards monsal head, south west
     both micras, i think
     fuck, air bags and everything

    -- i nod at mi mate
       and continue --

     as your dad would say, shock
     the third derivative
     but both cars crumbled as designed
     i had to boot the door out
     i did it quick, survival kicked it
     i was barking at misen
     until i got out, and then i thought
      oh, you silly bugger,
       it's not gonna blow
        it's fucking diesel, not lighter fuel

      three of us though, holding us ribs
      another three un hurt
      and checking on their mates
      the driver came over
      and said sorry mate
      and asked me how i felt

      he tried to cuddle me later ...

     -- i do that quirky arm movement again
        waggle mi fingers a little bit more
        and say to mi mate --

      how do i feel ...

      i'm alive

                  -- mi mate roars with laughter again
                     and i rename the lady --

      she's a bit littler than me
      we were facing, about six inches apart
      she looked in mi eyes
      and said --

        i excepted the worse
        i was told it was bad
        but as i arrived
        i quickly saw the state of the cars
        and thought good
         maybe they're walking
         maybe they're alive

      she was examining me at the time
      at the back of her van
      her hands were cold, she said
      are you sure you don't mind

      she'd stood me up first
      and pushed her stethoscope
      up under mi shirt, nodding over
      to the other driver,
      and the driver's mate
      sat awaiting examination

     nayow -- sez i, smiling --
     i don't mind, am not shy
     i dunt think have done owt permanent
     but am worried about punctured lungs

         do you see that cabinet
         -- sez the lady --
         if you had a punctured lung
         you'd be as pale as that
         and i doubt whether you'd be standing
         after doing what i've just asked

     well i thought
      it's a long time since have stared in a mirror
       i don't know how pale i am, do i
        so i looked straight in to her peepers
         and sez --
           you're mi doctor for tonight

                  -- mi mate lols,
                     and sez --

                  well, did you

     did i what -- sez i --
     defeat your sweepstake by chat and happenstance


                  -- mi mate lols some more --

     no,
     and in any case
     she was doing her job
     and obviously had
     enough to contend with
     at the best of times

     i left soon after
     i got called away by the chief officer
     they wanted me to move mi motor

      have tried -- said i --
      we all did, we tried to bounce it
      off the road, no joy

          no -- sez, the c.o. --
          i mean break down,
          do you have cover
          you don't appear to
          i'll need to call ours
          you'll be charged

      well i can try
      -- sez i --
      and got through on mi moby
      to a brake down operator
      i have them on speed dial
      told them mi name, number
      and location
      based on road intersections
      and they said they'd be there
      within the hour

      the c.o. was listening in
      shakes head and says no go
      i'll take over, forget that
      i'll have some one here, a lot quicker
      tout de suite, if not sweeter

      i nod, and leave them too it
      loads o'folk swimming about
      regular emergency services ark
      two cop cars, two fire engines
      and an second ambulance arrives
      i sat down at the back
      on my beaten estate
      and watch the ordered movement

      i'm wearing my appendix g
      fluorescent adolescence
      i was waving traffic down
      when the lady arrived

      our garb some what matches
      i hear her from behind
      she is dismissing the second ambulance
      and being dissed by a fire crew

      she gives as good as she gets
      and i lolled, and it hurt
      and she comes over, and gets me back
      in her van, for the paper work

          name, address, phone number,
          g p

      i don't have one luv
      -- sez i --
      i bat for the other side


         -- she just shuck her head,
            and said --

            when was the last time
            you saw a doctor

     dunno, ten, twelve years ago
     i'm self employed now you see
     a sick note is next to no use for me

        -- she teks mi pulse, mi blood pressure
           and gives mi a mini medical
           whilst she ticks off the stuff
           i didn't have --

        have you called home
        -- she queries --

     i narrow my eyes
     in reply

        so they know you're ok

     oh, sez i, no
     they're no one expecting me

        oh, sez she
        don't you have a family

     yes, sez i
     waggling mi fingers so
     this many, but a few have flown the coop
     and i was just on mi way back
     from the littlest two

        blinking heck
        -- said the lady --
        don't you watch telly

     i lolled, it hurt
     and said 'casualty' ...


     -- i shake mi head again
        and take another long drink --


     that conversation with the head teacher
     kinda got to me though
     i stopped miself telling mi work colleague
     why would they wanna know

     save it for the new year
     if at all, i shouldn't have been worried
     do you know,
     mi colleague had come round
     to call us attention
     to the rendition monologues
     have you heard of them ...

     -- i shake mi head again --

                  no -- says mi mate --
                  but i think the name
                  gives it away

     -- i nod --
     i said to the head teacher
     i don't know, but sometimes
     it appears to me, that there is some sort
     of metaphysical balancing act
     going on somehow behind the scenes

     they nodded, and then shuck their head quickly
     and said --

        no, that notion's dangerous here
        when it happened, some of my kids said
         take comfort sir, god, allah, he takes the best first
        you can imagine for what missions, it may recruit


                  -- mi mate nods, and sez --

                  did you get to say goodbye to your brother


     -- i nod too, and sey --

     course a did
     i wo saying goodbye for five years


                  no i meant at the end


     -- i lol at mi mate, and sey --

     course a did, can't you remember
     we got your dad's big old granada
     and drove it up here in a hurry
     don't you recall

                  -- mi mate shakes his head, and sez --

                  are you still smoking,
                  there's some seats out the back
                  same again yeah ...



    -- we get another couple
       and go out the back patio
       there's noisy heaters hanging
       from some four bi fours posts
       that also support a timbre roof frame
       covered loosly with wind slapped tarpaulin

       we sit quiet for a quite bit
       and eat some crisps --

                  so there's no one else then
                  -- mi mate munches --

     -- i stare at my pint
        and remain silent --

                  well is there

     -- i state disturbia
        and then the name of another lady --

                  -- my mate lols
                     then stops
                     looks skywards
                     lols and says --

                  i've never met a women
                  whose name ends in an 'a'
                  that doesn't have big tits

     -- i just stare at mi mate
        until the lolling stops  --

                  oh, it's serious then

     do you know, have heard her mates
     call her 'big tits',
     and i've heard her express concerns
     that they might be too small
     it's wrong you know this
     it's all fucked up init

                  so are they

     i wouldn't know

                  -- mi mate lols, and sez --

                  who is she


     you know her
     or at least you've met her
     -- i reply, and explain the connection --


                   -- mi mate lols again
                      this time big time
                      and says --

                   you just might loose your bollocks after all


    how -- sez i --

                 -- mi mate names another lady,
                    and asks me if this lady knows --

    knows what, she knows we talk
    she's heard us talk, often
    what is there to know
    i don't know myself

    i think a best summed it up
    when i got caught on the phone
    by mi eldest brother, he'd got skype
    or somat, and just were after
    a social chat, nowt important
    but he tried to shedule me
    for a conversation one evening

    am out most nights
    -- sez i --
    i go see yor nephews and nieces
    their mams invite me round for tea

       he was persistent --
         what every night
         you have a tight rota
         don't you get time off
         for good behaviour
         what about thursday night
         or do you go back
         to square one

     er, occasionally -- sez i
                         and name the lady, who you say
                         may lead to my castration --

     but on thursday
     am having tea, with her kids and she

      -- do you know what, he never asked
         the size of her breasts
         mi brother, he just said --

             oh,
             is there anything romantic
             between you two

      and i stumbled, and i said --

      er, no

             could there be
             -- he further queried me --

      no bro, not in this universe anyway

                  -- mi mate lols some more
                     and says --

                   take heart,
                   at least it makes a good wank fantasy


    -- i shake mi head at mi mate,
       and say --

    do you know that lady i told you about
    earlier, the mate of the mother of your name sake
    the biker chick, it took her starter question
    back in the indian, to get me thinking ...

    and i thought --
       i didn't give her
       a full and honest answer
    his mother knows though, she's seen us chatting also
    but she doesn't know what, as i don't know what
    but she knows you know, she's not behind the door

    -- i shake mi head some more
       and say --

    it's all wrong you know this
    i can't be her best alternative
    am not having it

                  oh, oh, oh
                  -- laughs mi mate
                     like some giant but beardless santa --
                  you've made that mistake before

    no, it is not the same
    she is not the same
    fuck -- i shake mi head --

                  as i said
                  good wank material

    what's wrong with you
    do you have to bring things down
    to the lowest common denominator

                  sorry, but you must see the funny side


    the funny side, the funny side
    -- starts i,
       then stop abruptly --
    hey, i came across some porn the other day
    i was packing some stuff up for ya name sake
    and a came across a comic,
    they come with free dvds now, did you know

                  -- mi mate grins and shakes his head --

    well you've seen one, you've seen them all
    ha'n't ye, so i got misen two, hustler babies
    had not seen it close up in a long time
    it's not changed much, since i last looked

    you know, you can't make to love to paper
    we've had this conversation before, ha'n't wi

    -- i sez to mi mate who nods --

    well you can't make love to tellys either
    but you can try

                  -- mi mate snorts and giggles --

    it's weird init
    all these machines
    and we're no more than cave men
    daubing crude images
    to excite some inner hunter

                  it's natural
                  -- exclaims mi mate --
                  there's nothing more natural than sex, is there

    no
    but this is not sex
    it's pornography, listen
    you've seen the stuff yourself
    it starts off with teenage girls
    dressed coyly, in garb matching
    some corresponding young pop idol
    a hint of stocking, then turn the page
    to a fast undressing, poses, smiles, lips
    then a3, my blood runs cold
    my babies in the centrefold

     they all want it you know, sex, rampant sex
     according to the comics, the shy ones
     the old ones, the married ones, love them all
     bang them on the window sill
     the long and the short and the tall
     there gagging for it, simply gagging for it
     it's all they ever think about apparently
     they're just naturals,
     run on ever ready batteries, wuf
     go get em lads


                  some women do like sex you know
                  -- retorts mi mate --

    i know, i know
    -- sez i --
    i've known a few
    and i've known a few who like pornography too
    although as a genre, they said they preferred erotica

                  oh
                  have you read any erotica

    yeah

                  and

    and there's a lot more cleaning certainly

                 cleaning

    yes, the male characters
    often seem to be cleaning things
    - i shake mi head --
    funny if it weren't true

                  -- mi mate shakes his their too
                     and i continue --

    what would you think
    if it was your daughter in the skin pics
    where she thought it was her best option
    to spread her legs
    and smile like she meant it

                  it's not my daughter though is it

    it shouldn't matter
    i know of course it does and it must
    but all the same
    it shouldn't,
    what a world, what a poor apology
    for a world we live in, look how far we've really come
    still herding, pinning us orphans and exposed children
    prostrate, in prostitution

                 -- mi mate lols, and says --

                 well don't look at it then
                 if it upsets you so
                 and it may ruin your eyes you know

   -- i giggle at this one
      and reply --

      tom baker said to mary whitehouse once
       if you don't like watching it
       there's always the off button
      but it's omnipresent with this one init
      in a way, it's very subtle
      but really it's just another poncy ponzi pyramid scheme
       an older entrenched generation
       molding fresh youth in to entrenched ideas

                  -- mi mate nods, and sez --
                  is she clever

    course she is
    isn't every one

                 no,
                 what does she do

    she's very good with her hands
    -- sez i --
    here watch this

    -- i take an empty crisp packet
       and fold it to an small compact
       precise right angled isosceles triangle
       i lob it at my mate --

    here, catch
    you do it

    -- i do the same with a second packet
       and throw it over --

    pretty nifty, eh

                  -- mi mate looks at the blue
                     and pale green triangles
                     and sez --

                  you've got it bad, haven't you
                  oh, look
                  these are navigation flags
                  you see them on buoys
                  it depends on which way they point
                  here i'll show you
                  -- says mi mate faffing with the diary lea --
                  keep north, keep west, keep south, keep east

    yeah, have seen them somewhere
    oh castaneda, castanets
    oh am gonna go squirt
    back in a sec yeah, same again yeah ...


                  -- when i get back
                     mi mate's still faffing
                     and sez --

                  cheers for the beer
                  what do you think you'll do then
                  if you do manage to sack yourself

   dunno, through on the rock and roll i guess
   like a million other folk, three months hence
   it'll be in a different world in any case

                  -- mi mate nods --

                  yes indeed,
                  we're in interesting times


   arn't we though
   there's some interesting work going on round here
   on the river weirs, archimedes screws
   renewables, i'd like to take it underground
   do you know, i think i'm missing mi sewers


                  he's got high hopes, he's got hiigh hopes
                  -- intones mi mate --

   well you've got to have a dream
   ha'n't ye, -- starts i with some enthusiasm --
   i thought i might attack
   some development funding ...


                  no, no
                  no, no,
                  no, no, no, no, no
                  i have told you this before
                  -- stops mi mate --
                  drains aren't dreams

   -- i just stare at mi mate, who lols, stops
      and says --

                 ok, ok,
                 you've always been very peculiar about this

                 i don't know why though sometimes
                 you don't dream yourself above ground

                 like with your young pal for instance
                 whose good with her hands

   -- i stare at my mate who continues --

                 she's not your daughter you know

    nayow a know -- sez i --
    she's her aunt


                 -- mi mate lols and says --
                 did you here the one
                 about the china man
                 whose wife left him
                 -- mi mate nods --
                 she went back to peeking,
                 he went back to wanking


    that's not funny
    -- replies i resisting --
    here, have got one
     if a centipede a bucket full
     how much would a precipice

                  -- mi mate shakes their head --

     a sheer drop
    -- sez i --

                  oh

    don't you like that one
    it's clean any way

    here, have got another one for you
     two cats sat on a roof
      which cat falls off last

                   -- mi mate shakes their head again --

    the one with the greatest mew

    do you get it, yeah, no, oh
    -- sez i, and name another lady --
    she's upsticks and left the north now
    i helped her pack
    i was round at her cousin's recently
     with my landlord and a few others

     her cousin got talking about
     a few of his favourite things, first in their mother tongue
     then in english, looks, sounds, tastes etc
     he held court and was setting the questions

     starter for ten, some nice answers i thought
     a few cliched, but he could see me
     turning mi nose up, as it got cruder
     so he took the talk back
     to peaches, and days we'd picnicked
     on the beaches, and then he sprung one on me --


              where would you like best
              to place your hands
              -- and he held up his hands
                 in a cup --

     i looked her cousin in the eye
     and lolled

              you're thinking of someone's bum aren't you
              -- sez he --

     i nodded and said, goose peach
     which means to twist a fart in the vernacular
     or at least to hold one hypnotised


             see -- sez he --
             got you, admit it
             lowest common denominator

     i already have
     -- sez i, picking up a cushion
        and placing it on my lap --
     but third, i'd put the bum third

                really -- exclaims mi landlord --
                what would you place above it

     a hand
     i'd like to hold someone's hand


              ah -- sez her cousin
                    leaning forward
                    with interest --
              second base,
              good one, where first
              where first, the eyes

     dunt be a dafty
     you can't hold some body's eyes
     -- sez i --
     no first, what i'd most like to do
     oh, i just can't tell you
     you'd only laugh

              go on, tell us
              -- sez her cousin --
              don't be shy

     no, it's not that
     you'll really laugh
     and think it's one of mine

     -- i turn round, to my landlord
        and say --

        can you remember
        when us work colleague
        tried to convert me
        in the cross guns that night
        to a social process, and put forth the proposition
        that we could easily reduce the duration
        of our general working day

        i thought about it, thought about my own jobs
        the time i waste arguing the toss
        with degree educated bods, arguing black is white
        to extract a profit, all these little shops
        yakking too each other, layer upon layer
        of wasted time, and i kopped us colleague's drift
        and saw capital's inefficiencies

        i nodded, and us colleague said --

                    i wouldn't be surprised
                    if we would need to work,
                    even two hours per day

        fuck -- sez i, shaking mi head now --

        i can't have that
        what would i do
        with the rest of my time
        except waste it
        in drugs and masturbation

                 yes, yes, yes
                 -- laughs mi landlord --
                 i remember that one

        yes, you laughed at it then
        i think that's why i said it
        but us colleague didn't
        can you remember their reply

        -- and i turned to the wider group
           and said --


        they just looked me straight in the eyes
        and stately flatly --

            you need to pull your finger out


        -- i lift an index finger up
            and show the group --

        look, this is a finger out


             is that it
             -- enquired her cousin --
             your own finger, first
             you'd put your own finger first
             that is not very pleasant


       no i know
       and do you know what
       it wasn't really stuck any where
       to begin with, you know how it is
       i think many kids feel a strange pleasure sometime
       when they do a really big poo, but as you get older
       you tend to move on to other ones
       and i had reached majority ...

         well, that got her cousin laughing
         and mi landlord took the trouble
         to translate the jest to a some lads round
         over as refugees, good guitar players,
         acoustic

      -- i nod over to mi mate --

         how you getting on with the steinweg

                 fixed und fertig
                 -- replies mi mate --
                 go on, tell the story
                 where would you best
                 like to place your hands


      ah, -- sez i --
      that held her cousin intrigued too
      but you never know, sometimes
      how bad someone's life can be
      or at least feel, and some of these refugees
      can have had it so shit, that they themselves have wished
      to be imprisoned away from this sick society
      one bloke stitched his lips together
      a couple of years ago
      did you see that one

      -- i shake mi head at mi mate --

                  it is no measure of health
                  to be well adjusted
                  to a profoundly sick society
                  -- sez mi mate --
                  jiddu krishnamurti


      hark at you sherlock


                 -- mi mate lols, and sez --
                 so what did you tell them


      -- i shake mi head --

      i don't think i've told you this one before

      ages ago, when we were working on the porter
      yor one who went up north
      rang me one day, she'd had petrol soaked rags
      pushed through her letter box

      who do you think's responsible -- i enquire --
      she names a bloke, and a possible reason
      it's personal, but the blokes a member
      of the b n p allegedly and she's worried
      he just may get his mates involved

       british fucking what
       -- sez i --
       if he is responsible,
       i'll learn that twat what it means to be fucking british
       i'll tattoo it on his forehead, backwards
       as an aide memoire


                  -- mi mate roars in laughter, and
                     continues --

                  apart from the swearing
                  you sound just like your brother


     -- i scratch mi head
        look at mi mate,
        and ask --

     did yor lot ever play war
     when you were kids
     did you ever knock on each other doors
     and say --
         is your fred or jacky in
          yeah, well we're gonna play war
           on the first field, in the woods
            or up in the courts
             are you coming
              rat, tat, tat, tat


                   no, it was discouraged
                   -- replies mi mate --

     yor lot
     -- i raise my eyes --

                  what lot
                  -- replies mi mate --

     how many working class mates
     do you have

                  apart from you

     yes, apart from me

                  -- mi mate just smirks and titters --

     yor lot
     -- sez i, shaking mi head --

     we use to play war loads when we were kids
     here, this is one of mi brother's
     just before we began a rematch

         can't we be the british this time
         -- said us opponents --

            no -- corrects mi brother --
            we are the british

         go on, can't we the british
         how come you always get to be the british

            just take a look at us
            -- barks mi brother --
            we are obliviously the british obviously

         well we don't want to be germans again
         -- would come the reply --

            well you don't have, do you
            why don't you join that crew over there
            they're the russians, go on, go on
            is that all sorted then
            are you united, good, because we are the wednesdays,
            let the battle commence
            ra tar, toe tat ....



    --  a little while later,
        mi mate come's back with
        noch zwei mal bier
        smiles, and sez --

                  how are you

     fine, just fine
     -- i smile back --

                  -- mi mate remains silent,
                  i start again after some time --

      when the lads got back from the war
      it wasn't all roses, do you know
      they're were loads of personal tragedies
      distance, fear, lack of contact, loneliness

       kids, i know a few stories
       where blokes demobbed back to more kids
       than they left with, stories i guess
       i know a few different ones mind


     -- i remain silent, still in my vague
        but heavilly pregnant state --


                  ah -- harks mi mate, and then
                        in imitation of accent and face
                        starts an old routine of a friend
                        of a friend --

                do you like my sister


    -- i lol, and name the lady
       who used to deliver it
       dressed in a silk shirt
       she claimed was the general garb
       of pimps, and those in thailand
       in particular --

        do you know on some contracts
        -- i sez to mi mate --
        it is rumoured that
        if your cabin's got a/c
        and room for another two
        even if it's only two little ones
        you can get them two little ones
        when ever you want,

        what a world


                  orphans -- nods mi mate --

        can you remember, i used to say
         in the same nonchalant manner
          i talked to that head teacher
           about metaphysical balances
        that it sempt to me, that kids
         somehow picked their own parents

                  -- mi mate nods --

        well,
        i think i was talking bollocks again


                  -- mi mates lols, then stops
                     and asks me about what i told
                     the party with the refugees --


       i stopped -- sez i, shaking mi head --
        didn't i, i turned around to mi landlord
         after barking that comment
          offering to rectify
           an apparent identity crisis
            in mirrored writing
             on the frontal lobe of the antagonist
              and state the name of mi welsh mate

       they were in the room at the time
       supping tea and jotting in a tabloid
       whence i began to bark and froth
       in to my end of the phone line


       i think it was the first time
       mi welsh mate had ever heard me bark

       -- i shake mi head
          at mi landlord --
       we din't have to much, did we
       not whilst us welsh mate was around

           no -- he replies --
           they usually got there first

      i know -- sez i --
      and i suspect they liked to bark in any case
      but on this occasion
      mi welsh mate just listened
      whilst i finished the phone call
      and then asked me calmly --

         what are you going to do

      -- i shuck mi head at mi welsh mate --

         listen, i only heard bits
         you can tell me it all if you wish
         but i don't need to know
         and maybe i'm not the best person to know
         but what ever you do
         don't tell this crew here about it
         -- sez mi welsh mate
            nodding out the cabin door --
         at least until you know
         what you're going to do, or
         at least until i'm with you


      -- i stared at mi welsh mate
         who stared right back
         and then barked --

           we are owed many favours on this job
           too fucking many to be honest

           -- then quieter --
           don't let this crew know
            the best of them, would sort it out
            and wouldn't tell you, and then
            there are others, who'd let you know
            and try and take a piece of you


              -- mi landlord laughed
                 i think more in recognition
                 of us welsh mate's tonalities --


                    who did you tell



      i told us work colleague
      i thought they'd have a file
      on stuff like this

       but they didn't
       but they knew some one who did
       the night after
       i met this some one, at a broad left meeting
       down the don in the river side pub

         informed activist, gave me statistics
         phone numbers of active anti fascists

         we chatted bits, i shut off at the politics
         and watched this big old bloke barking away
         at various groups, angry but friendly
         bouncing off, some point or other

          it's all wrong you know
          -- this bloke kept saying
             until he began to froth --

         well you know what am like
          the more he barks
           the more i giggle
            until he comes over
             and barks at me

              what you laughing for
               -- sez he --
              it is all wrong you know

        i know -- sez i --

              then what you laughing for
              -- sez he --

        a dunno
        why do you do
        what you do
        -- sez i replying --

              they need to see it
              -- sez he --

        see what
        -- sez i --

              the emotion
              i used to be a fucking miner
              am not going to let them forget

       -- i'm not giggling any more
          and i say to this bloke --

       do you do this often

              yes, all the fucking time
              -- sez he --

       oh, don't you have a love life

              -- and this bloke just towers above me
                 and sez --

                 are you slow timing me cunt

       nayow auld luv -- sez i --
       am not, am not slow timing any cunt
       a just wondered how tha kept it up
       that's all, r tha keeps body and soul together,
       it must be hard work

                 yeah, it is cock -- sez he --
                 too fucking hard sometimes

       i smoke -- sez i to he
                  and role another fag --

       but i dunt know
       whether it's an oral fixation
       or it just gives me something to do
       with mi hands

                -- well the old bloke laughed
                   and sat with us for a bit --


        if it's any consolation
        -- offers us colleague
           after a few moments
           of contemplation--
        marx wrote blah, and this means blah
        so we sure to see blah, and at some point blah
        the world will be a very different place


               no -- barks the big old bloke
                     to us colleague --
               it's of no fucking consolation
               what so ever

                  -- and then he turns on me
                     and barks --

               do you know what i'd like to do with my hands
               to relieve the stress of both myself
               and the vast billions of folk world wide

         no -- sez i --

                  -- he stands up, teks of his coat
                     rolls it up, in to a very tight bundle,
                     and holding it sez --

               to listen to your mates' talk
               they reckon capital's on it's death bed
               and it's just a matter of time, listen
               this is one cunt, that really does deserves to die
               if it's really in as bad a shape as you say
               don't mess around lads, put it out of it's misery ...





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                        catch


         http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=DhYT0FT-_Zs



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