[matilda] Wanned for a beak

[Dan]

Hi all,

So, on to the subject of M.  My perpective on things. Apologies for the 
length: this will be, I hope, my one and only e-mail on the subject of M 
to this list.  Skip to the end if you want to read what I recommend 
doing at tomorrow's meeting.

As anyone who has experience of these things knows, it is all too easy 
to slip into a list becoming dominated by discussions about M.  Many 
people have already spent a good chunk of Thursday to now either trying 
the manage the situation, or pulling their hair out trying to find a way 
forward.  I've now spent a good chunk of my Sunday writing this when I 
should have been down MATILDA planning things with someone.

What I want to do is write about the situation, and then about M in a 
bit more detail.

First: M hasn't been banned.  On Friday morning 'the long-term tenant' 
(or LTT) told M that if he didn't start acting differently, he'd be 
banned from the building, permanently.  Later, he told M that he should 
take a break for a week because things needed to defuse.  (M thinks we 
all conspired to warp LTT's mind, of course.)

So one point straight away - whatever the group as a whole decides, we 
have to recognise that LTT is in a unique position, dealing with M in 
his space on an almost permanent basis.  At this point, things had got 
too much.

The reaction of M was, to anyone who knows him, classic M.  He'd done 
absolutely nothing wrong: us middle class types were persecuting the 
working class (in the form of M.)  No amount of talking, reasoning, 
cajoling, sitting down or shouting has ever, or will ever, change M's 
approach to this.  I'll come back to that point.

So - what has he done?  Well, on Thursday night I missed most of it and 
got back at the tail end, so I'll relay my version.

For me, this was a culmination of things he's been doing for a while, 
that have been bearable because I've known M for a number of years, I 
care about him, I've been in various different M support fora (sometimes 
set up as a pragmatic measure to allow him a forum that wasn't a 
political one), and it's been wonderful to see the positive contribution 
he's been making.  I don't care if he thinks this is patronising: he 
himself admits he has difficulties, and I think I'm allowed to be a 
friend to him as well as be honest about this.

The Thursday social tipped the balance.  There'd been some fall-out 
between M and others.  Someone else present, with good skills in these 
things, facilitated what amounted to a group therapy session.  That took 
up, really, the rest of the evening.

When I came down it was still going, and I got involved in trying to 
reason with M who, at this stage, was starting to be seriously 
unpleasant.  That's my subjective feeling.

For example, I know that he was winding up someone who, within this 
space previously, I'm told he has tried to physically assault.  (He had 
to be restrained on that occasion.) 

For my part, M wound me up so much that I stormed off and threw a hammer 
through a window.  That's my responsibility entirely, not M's, but it 
gives some indication of how things were I think.  Its not the kind of 
thing I make a habit of doing.  (Please feel free to recommend that I be 
sent away too, coz not breaking things has to be a groundrule, I think!)

At the end of the evening, after talking with me, LTT and others, M had 
suggested that he take a break from the space.  We agreed this would 
help chill things out.

The next day, he walked back in to the building as if nothing had 
happened.  Things, again , got nasty.  I spent the best part of the day 
either talking through the issue with distraught people at the end of 
their tether, or talking to M to see if there was any way he wouldn't go 
into his default mode of blaming the middle class (i.e. his friends) for 
everything that has happened.

So: an entire Thursday social, most of the next day, a good chunk of 
Saturday, and now probably a large chunk of tomorrow's meeting - all 
dealing with M's fall-out.  Oh, and this e-mail.

I do not have a problem with dealing with difficulties.  I've been doing 
that with M in a number of different forums, always alert to the fact 
that he has something positive to contribute.  (MATILDA would never have 
happened without him, for example!)

But the question is: how many people will continue to come, e.g. to the 
Thursday social,  if this is repeated?  I personally want to see M 
being  involved, if at all possible, for the reasons I've said above.  
But equally, there are only going to be so many times he can be entire 
centre of attention, and damage, wind up and hurt others.

The obvious answer is: tell him the ground-rules, talk to him, and 
surely he'll understand?  No - this is what saddens and angers me the 
most.  I spent so much energy on Friday trying to stop M falling into 
default 'I'm being scapegoated / my class the working class are being 
persecuted' mode it's untrue.

To the point where it got too much.  To listen to someone (even if you 
know not to take it to heart) constantly, again and again, dismiss you 
as a middle-class-whatever is just as bad, bigoted and narrow-minded as 
racism.  Particularly when, as M did at the end, he threatens to become 
a suicide bomber and blow you up!  He dismissed everyone there as one 
homogenous group - everyone who's spent so much time, love and energy in 
supporting him and being his friend.  It seems he can't help it, and I 
know the record hasn't changed for years, but still it hurts.

Now I fear it's a self-fulfilling prophecy: M believes himself the 
persecuted working class; we just want him to stop dominating evenings 
and attacking people and concentrate on doing the positive things. 

I hope the length of this e-mail is at least a little testimony to the 
fact that I really want M still involved.  Equally, though, I can't see 
how that can happen if he hates us.

Two people  (including myself as it happens) woke up on Friday morning 
doubting whether we could carry on with the project if things stay as 
they are.  For myself, up to a few days ago, it's been wonderful to see 
M has been giving a lot to MATILDA. 

But when he goes AWOL, he really does it.  I don't really have any idea 
what to do about that.  I agree, though, that a week's break from each 
other is the least he could do.  Just honour that request - one that he 
initially offered, for God's sake! - without all this bollocks about 
f**king class!  It's just so f**king boring!

And just to bring a little logical clarity (oh, the hours of fun I've 
had with M and logic!) - we are all conditioned by where we came from.  
But M is specifically saying that we have singled him out because of his 
class.  "You're scapegoating me coz I'm working class."  This obviously 
only works if the rest of us are not in the same category, otherwise 
we'd all be scapegoating each other!

Again - that's what I find hardest: M's blatant, unchangeable bigotry.  
He left saying I was no longer a friend to him; after everything I have 
put in, I can't say how much that hurt. 

I tried to reason with him in order to save him from a total ban - which 
I believe LTT will do whether we like or no, coz he's had enough.  I 
think the only way this could happen was if he realised the *reason* 
we're singling him out - nothing to do with whatever category he puts 
himself in, but:

1. Because it *is* him - no-one else causes the havoc he does.
2. Because he's often a pain in the bum to deal with, and is really 
really hard work.

Now, again, logic: this may or may not be due to his class, or his 
genes, or the planets.  It doesn't matter, any more than it would if an 
axe murderer came in to space slaughtering willy nilly.  Arguing 'well, 
I did cleave people's head's open, but you're singling me out coz of my 
class' is not going to work!

***

For tomorrow's meeting: proposal.  There's no way on Earth we can get 
around talking about this. But:

1. Only ten minutes on M.
2. If anyone heatedly argues that M should be present to defend himself, 
so be it.  But: I can almost guarantee that he'll just say what I've 
said above, which doesn't move us forward.
So - we limit him to five minutes response.  Before
3. Ten minutes on what we do about it: action points.

I suggest we discuss whether to let him come along a little before the 
meeting starts, say 7.15.  Will that present a problem to anyone wanting 
to be involved in that decision?

I know some people will say 'no! that's just more time taken on this!'  
But I don't really see an alternative.  I think, if we do this, some 
people might not be present though.

Just to say: if things don't go M's way (i.e. we don't back him), I can 
almost guarantee he'll stomp out of the meeting hurling abuse at the 
middle classes.  I hope to be proved wrong.

Oh God, that was long.

love

Dan