[ssf] uv :: v) e) state of the unicorn

[forrest gump]

   i. the doors
   ------------

   imagine there are two doors
   or maybe just two artists
   painting the same door
   and that, that difference
   between the representations of the door
   is merely a style

   imagine
   if once every so often
   you are asked to pick yor favorite

   i don't mind
   you may answer
   to which the artists
   might reply --

           well you have to
           you've got to go through one you see
           we all have
           we've not painted them for nothing
           this is how we get things done

   cautiously you may ask
   -- well, what's on the outside

           to which the artists
           could no doubt re assure you
           to calm yor fears
           as the outside was very much
           like the inside
           except for the assurance
           that the outside
           was just that little bit better
           place to be

   well then
   why do you want me to pick
   why can't i just use either of the doors
   -- you may wonder
   and if you wondered this out loud
   you may later wish you hadn't --

           ah ...
           we are both glad
           you asked that question
           because it is very important
           that you choose between us
           that you pick between our representations
           because the outside you choose
           will slowly but surely
           be rebuilt in line with our specifications

   never
   haven't you got
   an outside that's finished already

           the artists may laugh
           at this naivety
           and tell you
           that that way
           leads to nowhere
           or rather
           it leads to stagnation
           and there's is a tried and tested method
           taught in all the best schools
           and what ever the differences
           in their style
           they agree their art is progressive

   ok -- you may say --
   tell me then
   how am i supposed to pick

           isn't it obvious
           can you not tell the difference
           between us
           between our representations
           we are each unique
           look at the doors
           can you not see
           the fine detail
           they're like windows
           to the outside worlds
           to our new better realities

   but there not windows are they
   they're doors
   with pictures hanging from them
   can't i just look outside for myself
   and see what it's really like

           well it's pretty much
           like our representations

           we use all of the outside
           to draw upon you know

   do you

           yes yes
           we have it all covered

   have you

           yes
           we have a very good model
           of the outside
           and that's why we are confident
           that what we represent
           reflects correctly
           what's there
           and what needs to change for the better
           we've been changing things
           one way or another
           for a long time now
           you know

   really
   and you still draw pictures like this
   have you no imagination
   can there be no happy endings
   or do you just like things
   to look that way

           oh
           we have a critic do we

   it's yor that's asking me to pick
   i'd rather not look at them
   at all

           you don't understand
           the outside is the real world
           and bits of it are very ugly
           and as much as we'd like
           for it to be more pleasant
           we are very limited
           by the raw material
           we need to deal with

   really

           yes really
           and it's our job
           to draw a working balance
           upon a working structure
           we have tried and tested methods

   wow

           yes wow
           it's a lot of responsibility

   no wow
   i think yor missing a trick

           really

   yes
   really

           well then
           what is it

   have you been outside recently
   it's not the raw materials
   that's limiting you
   it's the tools yor using
   to draw them with

            our method is tried and tested
            so are our tools
            we have the very best ones
            you know

   no i know
   but it's not that
   is it

           well what is it then

   yor structures
   they're not up to it
   not any more
   and yor not doing much to change them
   maybe it's because you don't want to blame yor tools
   but maybe you should
   i don't think any one would mind
   and it would make a welcome change
   from the usual spiel
   that comes this way
   viz:
   we know precisely what we're doing
   everything's just peachy
   everything is just a-ok  ...



   ... imagine again
   there are two doors
   another two characters
   but this time
   neither of them
   is worried about talking to you

   they are getting on with their own lives
   it reflects in their pictures

   they both worry you though

   one of these characters
   has worried a lot of folk
   for a very long time
   but then again
   on closer inspection
   the same could be said
   of the other

   this time though
   it's quite different
   you've not been asked to pick

   in fact if asked
   both these characters
   would probably just shrug and say --

     well
     it's not a matter of picking is it
     am not painting a door
     yor already through it
     am painting the outside
     am drawing reality ...

  you may be taken a back
  by such a response
  and wonder how any character
  could draw any reality
  other than one filtered
  if not blinkered
  by their own experience
  and ambitions
  but you may still suspend yor disbelieve
  and give one if not both of these characters
  the benefit of the doubt
  and accept
  at least in part
  their representation

  in part
  yor and their realities
  may indeed overlap
  perhaps there is a fit even

  and at one level
  this fit may appear
  to be represented
  by a numbered value system

  scores on the doors
  as it were

  because as much
  as you don't like it or do
  the numbers do appear
  to attach themselves to you

  value

  real and imaginary numbers
  some vulgar fractions
  depicting obscuring
  the characters
  their experience and ambitions

  but then again
  yor disbelieve may fall a little
  and question
  what type of character claims
  to be able to draw reality
  upon some sort of sovereignty
  if not some sort of king

  kings

  the anastasis of kings
  dead men talking to dead men
  mills in part a product of bentham
  zeus premeditates what cronus dreams

  the king is dead
  long live the king

  a lineage
  but of what sort
  is it blood
  or ex-corporeal d n a

  nature
  and nurture

  the islands have many myths of kings
  one lad thought he could do it all
  hubris maybe i don't know
  he dug up bran lludd vortimer

  another lad wrote a book
  about a numbered value system
  which for better or worse
  is still shacked up with sovereignty

  capital
  just capital ...

  i digress

  two kings
  two outsides overlapping
  two doors
  or not two doors

  imagine there is an outside this time
  and imagine yor trapped
  and you need a way out
  yor on the titanic maybe
  but it's worse
  it's like a nightmare
  cos you know yor sinking
  but the captain is very calm
  and the crew concur
  and keep repeating --

    no no
    don't worry about that
    there's better things to worry about
    than that

              but we're sinking

    no no we're not
    we're fixing that
    i know that crash
    must have giving you quite a jolt
    it gave us one too
    but that tear is well on the way
    to being fixed

              which crash
              there's been loads
              we're sinking

    no we're not
    everything's fine
    calm yor fears
    well there's danger over there
    but not over here
    there look

              over where

    there look
    them mad men

              oh there
              you mean there
              where all that oil is

              are we short on fuel too
              or are they just through
              with yor i.o.u.s

    no no
    we've got loads
    it's not like that
    but she's a big ship you know
    and them mad men don't like her
    it's envy
    mark my words
    they're responsible for the mess we're in
    and one of them
    may i remind you
    was responsible for the crash

              which crash
              there's been loads
              we're sinking

    oh
    we know yor sort
    yor one of them too
    aren't you

              one of them what

    one of them
    that likes to spread fear

              i'd rather spread ataraxy
              or vegemite even
              but not when we're sinking ...


   but in this nightmare
   yor lucks in
   there's two options touted
   represented by two temporary kings
   and you have the option
   to put a question
   to either of them
   before you pick yor route

   but yor at a sensory loss

   their appearance seems to have blended

   any initial representation
   based on the notion of colour codification
   black white red sky blue yellow pink
   green houses
   are now mixed in self interest
   to a quite fetching brown

   but you know there's a difference
   they suffer from different afflictions

   one has the habit of telling bent tales straight
   and the other
   is a different form of communicator altogether

   but there's little point
   asking either of them
   what's through the door
   because they are both confident
   that yor already through it

   i know this is infuriating
   but we are in the middle
   of a nightmare

   you could scream
   pink pink pink at the kings
   and ask them what do cows drink
   in wonder
   of how they could mistake
   all the water
   that was coming in

   but if you only had
   the one question
   what would it be

       kings

   a child's story
   i have no wish
   to be a king
   but i seek acceptance
   of a queen
   acceptance as a stranger
   a foreigner
   and a common one at that

       numbered value systems

   a lucid capitalist could inform you
   that capital is formed solely from profit
   and further more
   profit is formed solely
   from the accumulation of individuals suffering
   a coalescence of undervalued folk

   a cynic may argue
   that in every relationship
   whether based on money or not
   profit can be had
   from individuals suffering

   i lost a thing
   in a big room
   changed the shape of the world
   for long enough

        hubris and abuse

   the strangest attraction
   i ever had
   was with a horse chestnut
   a very cute conker

   me and a mate
   were on us way down
   from the sugar loaf
   late one october

   i picked said conker up
   and put it in mi pocket
   us arms out stretching
   we were gathering psilocybin

   us mate was in a wet suit
   had urinated to keep warm
   i was wearing a warm suit too
   that appeared to made
   from carpet pieces
   we departed
   us mate to crumlin
   me back to killiney

   i lived on the promontory
   first floor bed sit land
   three windows
   north east south sea facing
   seeing three ridings
   reading reinhardt
   of all things
   no one looking in
   'cept three seagulls
   i unpicked slowly
   the conker i'd picked up

   like a moon exposed
   it's flesh fresh curved
   white underneath
   the spiky green

   hours
   a life time
   i watched it
   turn to brown

   i was in love
   or at least
   i was in something
   i was its
   and it
   was mine

   further hours
   my thoughts consumed
   how to consummate things between us

   well it's hard

        anatomies

   some jokes require
   a straight character
   like the knock knock jokes
   need some one to say

              who's there

   i heard two
   back to back
   when i was kid
   one of which
   i did't get yet

        why dun't men get married

     they do -- my reply

        no silly
        to each other
        why dun't men get married

     a dun't know -- my reply

        there'd be no children

     but there's loads -- says i

        no
        listen
        there's more ...

        why dun't women get married

     a dun't know

        there'd be too many children

     oh -- says i

        you dun't get it do ya

     no -- says i

        listen
        how do ya shoot
        a blue elephant

     a dun't know -- says i

        with a blue elephant gun

     oh -- says i

        and how do ya shoot
        a red elephant

     with a red efalump gum -- my reply

        no
        you dun't need one do ya
        you just tie a knot
        in its trunk
        wait for it to turn blue
        then use
        yor blue efalump gum ...


    mixed anatomies

    getting back to me
    and my cute conker
    fuck
    i use the word
    fuck with caution

    you know that crash
    that the captain keeps referring to
    when it happened
    do you know what word i heard
    the most around here

         fuck

    the great anglo saxon prayer
    to the great god fuck

    but few politicians seem to talk about this
    although i understand
    a few appear to enjoy it

    now i don't mind
    what folk get up to in their own home
    or other apparent privacy
    well, why should i
    other than the general abstract notion
    that the fucking better be consensual

    consensual
    but then again
    what the fuck do i know

    well i know everyone's different
    even fucking twins
    and yet again
    everyone's the fucking same

    and i know hubris and abuse
    imagine it was more
    than the seagulls looking in
    imagine, it was some one who cared
    about my strange infatuation
    with said horse chess nut

    some folk have been known to
    you know
    care

    may be some older character
    looking in at me
    seeing the huxley books
    lying amongst the random ones
    perhaps nodding to
    an artistic neighbour
    and saying --

         ayop van goff
         we've got a right one here

    or maybe just some one
    not known by name
    that just would like
    to witness my happiness

    is it selfish
    to contemplate the existence
    of a caring other
    or should i just not
    let these imagined characters
    get between me
    and my real conker contemplation

    and if i'm aloud one caring one
    can i have second witness
    one for the horse chess nut
    caring for it
    as am not able to

    or is that just greedy
    requiring the heavens
    to fill up with characters
    witnesses that care about
    conker-and-i's joint and
    or severable happiness

        exchange of innocence

    both peace and war can end
    with the exchange of innocence

    let's bring this conker down to earth
    and let it appear to be
    a neglected child

    there are many neglected children
    many, many gray pebbles
    i express a preference
    for one in particular
    if only as a matter of habit

    no there's more
    i have a list
    hours years endless
    ground hog day
    big
    water world
    february man
    hubris kings
    o leon
    crash

    are you awake luv

           a character jumps

    are you ok

           yeah
           you gave me a start
           have i been asleep long

    seems like hours

           the character shakes their head
           and states --
           i'm tired
           we don't want this

    yeah
    i guess not

           no
           there can be no guessing about this
           can there
           neither of us want this

    no

           no what
           say the words

    no
    neither of us want this ...

        sovereignty

    crash this character got it
    then and there
    whether they liked it or not
    got the joke so to speak
    the joke of me

    innocence
    what was i thinking
    this is not some abstract conker
    this is someone i claim to care about

    guilty
    i'll marry you
    when you grow up
    who was the grown up one here

    who did really know
    how to care

    i was relatively easy on myself
    at the beginning of this war

    i attached abstract co defendants
    by words and innuendo

    look at them
    them mad men over there
    but then
    them mad men are every where
    look
    even here
    but language is mad
    makes little sense
    we claim the verb to care
    when what we really mean is
    to exploit

    mixed metaphors
    of modern day marketing

    two for one
    and one for all
    buy one
    get one
    free

    well let's get one free then
    or better still let's get the many
     the many gray characters
      the undervalued gray numbers
       of the gray suited number crunchers
    those not worthy of any kind of new story
    out
    if only to expose the luster
    the hidden shine
    the underpinning social structure
    us capital coloured silver

    hidden forms
    hidden innocence
    hidden guilt

        privacy

    gold
    an open question
    ivor the engine
    asked one once
    when tasked with delivering
    a load of gold dug up from a mine
    through pretty country side
    to be deposited deep down
    in the vaults of a bank below

    why

    gold is a very pretty element
    it is malleable
    workable
    and assayed
    used in jewelry
    as a combined symbol of wealth

    some wear display gold
    in this form
    others have it made in to bricks
    count the bricks
    and say --

      with this brick
      i thee wed

    even to folk
    that are already married
    or have intended
    it's all very cheeky
    even if yor in
    to bigamy
    and
    you rarely get the brick
    or even part of it
    for upon closure inspection
    the prenuptial fine print
    reads that the brick
    was indeed renting you
    or worse you find
    yor married sub prime
    and then yor really screwed

    sovereignty

    lets get another one free
    virtual gold exists in myths
    as much as any lonely ranger
    writing fictional silver

    it is no bodies interest
    to be chased by a pack o'paparazzi

    many folk these days
    are hunted and flashed at
    examined prodded
    magnified, put up on a pedestal
    knocked back down again
    repurposed, repackaged
    sold under cover
    of art, or freedom
    the noise of private lives
    vibrating through the
    the vacuous titillation comics
    broad casted
    and as ''news''

       look
       here's yor muses
       look at them

     look at those sad eyes
     int it a shame

    yes it is
    the papers are littered
    with shame edicts
    and don't forget the blame
    edicts
    pressed and minted
    between other popular names
    and eye candy
    squashing all comers
    rapping through megaphones
    claiming ownership
    of speakers corner --

        we got all the answers
        we preach the written law
        we know what's best
        we know who you really are

    well
    the preachers are noisy
    i know that
    and their plastic reflections
    boob in flesh out
    zooming in and out again
    whiskers upon yor schin again
    don't look there
    look over there again
    begin
    again
    exposes
    if nothing else
    a modus operandi
    citizen canes
    amongst the crumbled turrets
    of aquitaine
    reflections
    where do you hide a leaf
    and what do you do
    if there's no forest

   i know this is infuriating
   but we are in the middle
   of a nightmare ...


   i don't know
   what i'd do with a gold brick

   when i attended school
   in electronics practicals
   i'd only end up
   soldering the components
   in to earrings

   the vast majority
   of the bricks have used
   have been pressed clay solids
   class b engineering

   built up like lego
   one brick thick
   between two to four courses high
   english bonded
   bricks dampened and set
   in sulphate resistant cement
   surrounded by c40 concrete
   similarly resistant

   oh ...

   i've slipped back in to drainage again ...

   the above construction
   being specification
   for a small four sided wall
   built upon the cover slabs
   at the top of the manhole shafts
   and chambers

   these walls built to support
   four sided metal frames
   that house metal covers
   split triangular
   stark
   the surface
   flush sitting
   load bearing

   at the end of contract
   i'd tend to be tied up
   in claims and counter claims
   or just readings in the cabins

   mi welsh used to come get me
   and say --

      we've just finish the snagging
      on chamber number what ever
      on drive letter what ever
      where ever

   yeah a know
   a passed it an hour ago

      no
      but now we've finished

   good

      well move yorself then
      come on
      come on

   ok ok -- my reply ...


   ... well we'd walk up to the hole
   hats on packs on lights on
   clamber down the step irons
   laddered
   epoxied in to the bricks
   and continue down the set irons
   jutting from the concrete rings below
   or when rectangular
   the in-situ chamber walls

   we'd be standing on the benching
   at the bottom
   and i knew what was coming next
   but i'd wait in silence
   for us welsh mate to prompt --

      well
      what do you think ...


   ... always the same question


   well -- thinks i --
   what can you say
   it's a manhole init
   however
   i did know what i was looking at,
   if only as a matter of deduction
   for i've been down and built
   plenty o'bad manholes
   in mi time
   and this one
   wasn't one of them
   but to say it was good
   and only that
   would fall sort
   if only as a response

   sewer rat interjects --

          no
          i think this one's the best one yet
          i cud eat mi snap down here

     mi welsh mate
     would pull his head
     six inch back
     look at sewer rat
     with eye brows narrowed
     and say --

       well
       i wouldn't go that far ...


   ... but i knew what sewer rat meant
   nevertheless
   the hole desnagged
   and the walls fresh grout washed
   even with the flows turned
   and sewer rushing past
   felt far more habitable
   than the cars
   homes
   offices
   and other temporary structures
   in the world above
   the other wheres
   to eat ones snap

   below
   in the antipodes
   i respond to sewer rat --

    you've done a grand job
    with that benching again
    -- i state --
    smooth as a mirror

       sewer rat giggles ...


   ... i don't know
   but i suspect that
   sewer rat had heard
   or witnessed before
   an argument concerning
   the benching mirror metaphor
   being debated with benchers
   in confined gray spaces --

       like a mirror now lads
       or it will be removed -- would start mi welsh mate

          we are
          we have
          look here -- would reply a bencher
                       pointing to some benching
                       far from finished

       that's not like a mirror
       is it
       not even one
       you'd find in a fare ground
       don't you know
       how to do this work -- would question now mi welsh mate

          a bencher would
          sooner or later
          stop work
          raise up and reply --

          cause we know how to do this work
          if you really want to
          see yor face
          in this benching
          there's always another way

    steady -- would come a caution

        where do you want to be fucked off
        here
        or up above -- mi welsh mate
                       would continue ...

    ... well from there
    we could go any where
    from benchers climbing
     there and then
      exclaiming that the work
       wasn't paying enough
        as it stooped
         to warrant them
          getting out o'bed
           in the morning
    to ever more elaborate
     verbal stand offs
      ricocheting
       pitch increasing
        until
         if i was there
          i'd bark --

    listen

        listen to what -- would come a reply

    the gas detector

           beep beep -- would reassure a gas detector

        there's no gas here -- would come a query

    well why should there be
    but there could be
    and there might be
    if that benching rags
    or even if you can't
    get the finish specified
    and we end up having
    to have it
    all hacked back
    and redone
    by you
    or by who ever
    there might be gas then
    for us or them
    so do it right
    the first time please
    else have it broken down
    in writing
    if you don't like the word mirror
    think of yor work
    as porcelain
    or fine china
    or glazed earthen ware ...



    ... back to the manhole inspection


      well
      what do you think ...

   ... always the same question
   from mi welsh mate

   i'd take a glove off
   and feel at the surfaces
   for inspiration
   and finally say --

    she's beautiful

      isn't she just
      -- mi welsh mate
         would reply --
      but do you know what i think

   i shake my head

      she's too many step irons

   oh -- my reply

      well
      don't you think so

   felt fine on the way down
   looks grand on the way up

      does she
      what if there's gas

           beep beep -- would reassure a gas detector

   oh -- my reply --
   we'd loose seconds
   in the climb
   at those tight centres
   but then again
   with adrenalin
   i could skip every second step
   could you

      well if you could
      then of course i could
      so why build them so closely spaced
      they're only in the way

   well it could be someone else

      who

      if you can't skip every second iron
      you shouldn't be down here
      in the first place
      yor only in the way

      who

   i don't know
   may be you
   but you when yor older

     mi welsh mate
     pulls his head
     way, way back
     looks at me
     with eye brows raised
     and says --

      why

   i don't know
   -- my reply --
   to look at this beautiful work maybe

     are you mad
     why would i want to come here again
     why would any body

     it's a man hole isn't it
     let's get up top
     this one's finished ...




   ii. the flowers
   ---------------

   once i was phased in a pub in dalkey
   i was staring at something
   but couldn't make out
   what it was

   it was like waking slowly
   in a strange place
   or even one very well known
   but with something you just
   don't quite recognise

   but it was like a leveret nest
   dark old straw squirling
   or a weaved laundry hamper
   it was a saturday night
   in late autumn as i remember

   i'd finished a shift as second chef
   in a place on vico road
   the head chef had left early
   to meet with a mate up from galway

   our weekend began
   there were pints waiting for me
   and the commis and seats
   with a back rest

   the head chef introduced us
   to yor one up from galway
   and asked me how it at had gone

     grand
     -- my reply --
     there was another twelve covers mind
     but yor one's just amazing

   i nodded over to the young commis
   who had pretty much
   done the twelve on their own

   the young commis looked at the head chef
   moved their arms up an down
   in some sort of victory celebration
   and says --

           told ya i could do it

    did you watch
    -- barks the head chef

     of course a watched -- my reply

    did you taste
    -- barks the head chef

     of course a tasted

    well then, what is it

     what's what

    why you phased
    what ya staring at

     i don't know -- my reply


   and then suddenly
   very suddenly i sneeze

   i cup my hands over my face
   to catch the mucus

   i lower my hands
   and look at them

   i look up
   every face had turned away
   except the straw basket
   that squirreled slowly round
   and focusing like a dream
   turned in to a face
   that stared me right in the eyes
   and said --

          here
          i've got loads

   i am passed a tissue
   it is warm
   i use it to clean my hands
   i look up
   the straw aspect of the character is back again

   i tap said character on their shoulder
   the turning smiley eyes
   are there once more
   and say --

          i don't need it back

   no i know
   you've got loads
   i can see them up yor sleeve
   thanks for that hanky
   what's yor name

          no don't

   don't what

          don't talk to me

   why not

          i am ugly

   i like talking to ugly people
   -- i reply --
   they're often
   the most interesting

        the characters smiles
        and we're off ...


   a long time later
   we're still chatting
   until we are broken up
   by the character's sister
   who insists they must get home

   it is very late
   i say goodnight to the character
   the sister turns
   and says --

       thank you

   what for -- i query

   the sister smiles
   and leaves


   the head chef shoots me a query --

       did you like that

     what -- i reply

       playing

     what d'ya mean

       playing with that character
       it was embarrassing

     i liked the character
     if that's what you mean
     we're meeting up tomorrow

       no

     yes
     -- says i --
     what's wrong

       she's an idiot man
       can't you tell

     she's no idiot -- i protest

       then why was she singing nursery rhymes

     we both were

       yeah
       but you were playing
       she doesn't know any better

     oh -- my reply ...

  i start thinking back ...

     no hold on a minute
     when i was playing
     that i knew anything about nineteenth century
     french poetry
     she certainly was a better player
     than me

       well anyone can read -- replies the head chef

     can they

       yes
       take it from me
       she's away with the fairies that one

  i turn to you one up from galway --

     what do you think

           she doesn't get out very often
           you can tell from her dress

     oh
     wasn't that her style

           what she was wearing
           has not been anyone's style
           since my grandmother
           was young

     well
     things do come back in fashion

          no
          not that style of crimpolene

     no

          no
          i think she's been kept in

     kept in where

          just in
          at home

       or kept in a home maybe
       -- interjects the chef --
       did you notice her leg

    yeah
    we talked about her leg
    well we talked about both of them
    and then we talk about mine

      well
      what happened to her

    she was born like that

      well then
      there you go then
      she was born like that

    well we're all born different

          don't you want to know
          what i think -- asks the commis

    yeah
    go on then
    what do you think

          don't ask me
          i'm from sallynoggin
          what the fuck do i know ...

   we laugh
   the commis moves their arms
   up and down
   and says again --

          i told ya
          i could do it ...



   ... the next day
   i wake up in
   well
   in a state of something
   the word confusion would not some it up

   i am thinking about the girl
   the she
   the women
   we are due to meet at two

   i dress
   and walk down the dart
   killiney is beautiful at anytime
   autumn is anytime
   the leaves colour fall

   i check the time table
   i watch
   i wait
   i imagine no show

   then the train i think arrives
   i look for a limp
   and the dark straw crimpolean
   no show

   my head still raised watching
   misses another walking
   smiling directly
   towards me

     hello
     we didn't think
     you'd be here
     -- smiles the sister --
     we're glad you are

          oh howaya
          where's yor sister
          isn't she coming

     no
     she doesn't go out much

          oh,
          then why,
          oh it doesn't matter

     thank you for last night

          you've said that twice now
          but i'm not sure what for

     playing with her

          i laugh and say --
          i liked playing with her
          that's why i asked her out
          i thought she liked playing with me

     she did
     but you don't understand
     in many ways
     she is still a child

          is she
          well she's as tall as i am
          and not much she said
          sounded childish to me

     you don't understand ...

  i shake my head and reply --

          no i don't think do ...

  we look at each other
  in silence
  then the sister smiles
  and says --

    shall we go for a walk
    let's go to the beach ...

  we go sit
  looking out east
  along the beach

         is yor sister in
         some kind of care

  the sister laughs --

    no
    it's not like that
    but she is delicate
    she is with child

         oh
         i didn't know
         i didn't think she had a bloke

  the sister laughs again --

    she hasn't
    it's difficult to explain

         these things happen you know
         didn't the bloke stick around

    no
    well yes
    at least in her mind

         it's like that is it
         are far gone is she

    no
    it's difficult to explain
    she is special
    she is innocent
    she harbours a beautiful inner child

         ah
         that's who yor shielding

    yes
    she doesn't need a man ...


  at this
  i laugh --

         men get pregnant too you know

  the sister laughs this time

         they do -- i continue --
         especially in this way

    no you don't understand
    you are not a women

         maybe not
         but i knew a lad once
         that loads thought was beautiful
         then loads thought was ugly
         but beautifully creative nevertheless

         he's died when he was nineteen
         drink and pleurisy ..


         i doubt whether yor sister
         would have turned her head away
         just then ...


   iii. the stepping stones
   ------------------------

   for the off-line tank
   of the porter
   we built a number of
   square caverns
   in parallel
   with internal rounded edges
   perpendicular
   to the main flow
   running through in situ chamber
   with mirrored benching
   buried shallow
   now below farm land

   built to store the heavy weather
   upstream of hanging water

   on burial

   i am spreading in mi wellies
   a hundred and fifty mill of c40
   upon the off-line structure
   concrete pumped from wagons
   in the twilight
   road adjacent

   autumn
   the permanent works
   are nearly finished
   summer we've worked daylight hours
   half of which
   i'm paid at time and half
   the gangs on piece work
   it is getting dark

   the gang from nottingham
   shuffling shoveling concrete spewing
   out of thick rubber bagging
   blocking, hitting pipes
   to keep it flowing

   me shuffling shoveling, dipping
   the gray homogeny with a stick
   taped level at six inch
   throwing stick to others
   others measuring
   raking concrete
   with vibrators

   we're dipping four inch only
   the bagging chokes
   we hit the rubber
   with whatever --

    driver -- i bark --
    what slump this concrete

       fifty mill -- replies the wagon driver
                     in top distance

   wet her up
   get the slump
   to seventy five please

       no -- responds the driver --
       can't add more water
       not without engineers signature

   i am the engineer
   -- i reply --
   give her a drink
   and pass me a pen please...

   we clear the rubber
   flexible bagging
   affix it back to steel piping
   pump restarts the decorating ..

            engineer -- comes a call from above

   what -- barks i

            yor wanted up top

   am busy -- my reply

   i turn to the ganger
   and question --

   what is it that you say:
    if you want to talk to me
    ring me up tonight

           the ganger nods

   we continue shoveling, spreading dipping
   six inch in the dark
   job done, we wade out the pit
   get up top --

   who wants me -- i bark

       standing in shadow grinning
       two bearded country men
       one with one eye up from carbrook
       out one night on night visits

        the other
        mi welsh mate
        looks at me
        but addresses the other and says --

         see what i mean
         he's gone native ..




   i liked that ganger
   well i like that gang
   at the beginning of the summer
   they'd help me out
   when i'd lost mi anti rocker bar
   off mi ford fiesta

   i'd snapped it driving over
   a raised manhole
   on brookhouse
   and lost the steering consequently

   after the gang had figured out
   what i'd done to the car
   i said --

   am due in brighton at five

           the ganger throw me
           their van keys

   i stared at the ganger
   and said --

   i can't take yor van
   am staying down a few days

           take it where -- snaps the ganger --
           take it to the scrapie's
           it's only ten o'clock
           go get another anti rocker
           and we'll fit it before dinner ...

   i take the van
   back to the cabins
   few phone calls later
   i go get the anti rocker
   then back up to mi kranken fiesta
   and the steel fixing
   concrete gang
   working in
   the detention tank

     the nut is stuck

   the nut affixing the bottom bit
   of the broken anti rocker bar
   is stuck solid

   we have a variety of appropriate tools
   and lubricants
   and lots of us have a go
   but it is solid
   as though the nut and the bolt
   are as one

   the ganger finally has a go
   in frustration

       give it here -- the ganger snaps
                       reaching out for a big lever --

       now
       lift this car
       closer to this wall

   we pick up the ford
   as the ganger sits back up
   against a very thick gravity wall
   and moves it over
   then lowers it down
   to the ganger's small frame

   the lever is attached
   socket tightened
   around the stuck nut
   the lever protrudes at a shallow slant
   from bellow the back of mi fiesta
   adjacent to the rear left wheel

   the lever
   one end fastened to the nut
   one end grasped by the ganger
   hands locked together tight
   left foot strutting rear left wheel
   hands near knees
   gearing up in a prayer position

       there's only three possible outcomes
       -- snaps the ganger
          looking up at us --
       the nut turns
       the car turns
       or the world turns ...




     ... you're sacked ! -- says a certain character
                            with certain eyes
                            and what i find
                            an infectious humour
                            in the summer of that year
                            in a warm bare house
                            in a village
                            on the shallow river escaut

   what for this time -- i chime
                         mi cheeks hurt
                         from smiling

     you told me that story last night

   did i
   never

     you did
     yesterday
     or the day before
     you're sacked !


   ... i'd met the character
   for the first time briefly
   when i arrived late
   at some mates place
   on the south coast
   one friday night
   in mi fixed fiesta
   i knocked on the door ...

      said character opened the door
      and says --

      do you know who i am

   i think i've got a good idea
   -- my reply --
   do you know who i am

      yes
      you are late

      you are sacked

   oh

      every body else is already there
      you have a car
      we are late
      can i have your keys please

   sure
   here ...

   we get in to the fiesta
   and i say --

   yor pisces aren't you

      yes
      how did you know

   yor eyes

      oh

      oh
      and you

   and me what

      what star sign are you

   proletariat

      the character grins
      and tells me again
      that i am sacked ...

   we get to the do
   there's loads of us
   in the restaurant
   it's a post degree show celebration
   fabrics, material arts mostly

   there's quite a few courses
   i remain mainly silent
   nothing above small talk
   the now smiley character sits miles away
   across the big circular table

   coffee is served
   and the conversation
   turns to orgasms
   some chat in the cosmopolitan
   quizzing on quantity and quality
   and then the questions turned to me --

        what do you think

   about what -- my reply

           orgasms

   what about orgasms -- my reply

      you've heard the conversation
      haven't you -- interjects the character

   yes

      well don't you have any comment

   yes
   what you asking me for

       you've been married
       haven't you

   oh

           well haven't you
           -- states another --

   i still am
   i'm married to my job

          that's not the same thing
          is it

   cause is it
   have you never had a job

           of course i have
           i have one now
           i work in a pub
           my grants not enough

   oh
   no, i guess not
   did you apply for it in writing

          no,
          i just went in
          oh, i had to sign something

    i've had lot's of jobs
    where i've applied in writing
    -- interjects the character --

   grand,

   did you ever have to fill in
   an employers proforma
   asking yor marital status
   with multiple choice options
   you know
   the box ticking bit
   -- i enquire --

       yes

   and you knew which boxes to tick

       yes

   well i don't
   i tick everyone
   even the box that says
   'other : please specify'
   and then i don't
   specify

   i do the same with race
   religion nationality gender
   and sometimes even the marked sex

       -- the character stops
          looks round the table
          no one was laughing
          at that stage
          nor for that matter
          did they laugh
          at the stage latter

          the character nods at me
          and says --

          now you are sacked

   no i know
   -- i nod back --
   but we were talking about orgasms though
   weren't we
   do you want to know
   about one of them do ya

          do we have any choice

   well
   i don't know
   but
   one o'mi mates
   whose got a job
   has been having difficulties in this area
   and was given what i thought at first
   was really sound advice
   but now i'm not too sure
   if the advice was all
   that it was cracked up to be
   no
   not at all

   do yo' know
   mi mate and his misses
   they'd been together years
   not long after school really
   and although he could kinda
   always satisfy himself
   he was no longer able
   to satisfy his misses

   i don't know
   my mate is not the most
   romantic of souls
   at the best o'times
   in fact when his misses
   mentioned his lack of romance
   or romantic gesture
   towards her
   my mate would just shrug
   and say --

     what you talking about
     i'm here aren't i

   which you can guess
   didn't go down very well

   so mi mate went see a dr
   a china man
   who told him to relax
   for a change
   and put his misses' satisfaction first
   to slowly
   gently arouse
   to boldly go
   but if he thought
   he was going to get there first
   to stop for a bit
   read a book perhaps
   make a cuppa tea maybe
   and then start again
   slowly
   but very slowly,

   until ..


   until ..


   until ..


   until well i don't know what
   i wasn't there was i
   i prefer not to watch
   but i don't think the advice
   was all that it was cracked up to be though

   not long later
   she left him you know
   she's gone to china
   i think she's gone after
   the real mccoy ..




   .. back on the escaut
   i shake my head and say
   to the certain character --

   are you sure
   i've told you that story before

      yes yes
      i'm sure
      -- the character nods --
      go to bed
      you are drunk
      and
      you are repeating yourself

   and yor not -- my reply

      does that make it
      any better

      you're sacked
      go to bed

      we'll start this again
      in the morning

      we can't both be drunk
      can we

   ok -- i raise and giggle
         and say goodnight

      i like how you fold
      your trousers -- says the character

   i scrunch my nose in query

      i was in your room this morning
      while you were asleep
      i was looking for a rasp
      and the sand paper

   oh -- i stop

      no don't stop
      go
      go
      good night
      we'll start this again
      in the morning ..




   .. the gang from nottingham
   on the porter made me giggle too
   before ganging the concrete and steel
   they'd ganged the benching
   in the tank below ..

   me and mi welsh mate
   had clambered out an early hole
   after delivering
   the mirror metaphor pep talk
   and the ganger had raised
   other ways
   of having welsh face in benching --

         what do you think -- laughs us welsh mate

   am giggling and say --

   i liked the ganger's response:
   it was quick
   and it was funny

              i don't believe you two -- says an office based
                                         colleague out on a visit

   mi welsh mate and me
   both turn round
   pull heads back
   and state --

         what

         .. then mi welsh mate
         takes over and says --

         let's get the van

   we chuck us kit
   in the back
   and i jump there in too
   whilst the other two
   take the front seats
   mi welsh mate
   behind the wheel
   of the stationary van
   restarts --

         what don't you believe

              what just happened
              down below
              and you are laughing about it now

         no i'm not
         i was laughing about it
         as soon as i got out the hole
         but that was before
         you started

         what's yor problem

              my problem
              are you crazy
              do you not think
              of the repercussions

              what ever your problem is
              you do not bring your anger
              to the work place
              and you certainly do not threaten
              the work force

              i don't know what to recommend

          recommend to whom -- states mi welsh mate

              when i get back to the office

              you appeared unstable to me
              your face was bright red
              and when you talked
              spit came out of you mouth
              did you know that

          like this ! -- barks us welsh mate
                         frothing at the mouth
                         turning sharply on us
                         colleague from the office


   yeah
   that's pretty much it -- says i

              you are mad
              don't you know yor actions
              will have repercussions

         what repercussions ! -- barks us welsh mate

              silence,
              and then us colleague restarts --

              do you think
              you can act like this
              and get away with it
              the next time you meet
              that ganger for instance

         this is a building site
         -- barks mi welsh mate frothing --
         not a fucking kinda garten ...


         ... silence, and then, the question
             turns on me ...


         what do you think



   did you see the ganger's arms
   -- says i

         well

   well that ganger's small
   but i bet the' can punch
   a class or two above the' weight

         do you think they could beat me !
         -- barks us welsh mate

   dunno
   could be a close call though

         who would you bet on !

   i remain silent

         would you put yor money against me !

   have not been brought up to gamble
   but i guess that ganger
   can box just as well south paw

         do you think
         you could take me !

   take you where
   -- says i --
   have not been brought up to fight

         mi welsh mate
         parks the van
         back at the cabins
         turns off the engine
         and states --

         no one beats me
         in a confined space

         -- then promptly smashes
         the van side window
         with an elbow

   the chain lad
   who on that occasion
   was a lad
   shot out the cabins
   and looked at mi welsh mate
   in query

         mi welsh mate
         chucks the van keys to the chain
         and says --

         that window was sub standard

         i'm going for my lunch now

         you've got plenty of time
         to have it repaired ..




   .. the morning after
   the night i was sacked
   and sent to bed
   on the escaut
   for being drunk
   and repeating tales
   the character
   gets me up early
   before the other members
   of the household
   we travel north to cambrai
   in search of power tools ..

      what do you think we need
      -- says the character
         as we're driving

   not sure -- says i --
   there's a tool
   called a trepanner
   that would be handy
   or just some kinda kango hammer

      but we've no power
      -- replies the character --

   no i know
   we'll need some kinda jenny too
   er generator

      i know what a genny is silly
      -- grins the character --
      i have worked before
      but why do we need a trepanner
      that's a medical instrument
      for cutting holes
      in tissue or bones

   yeah
   and that
   you know loads don't ya
   but it's also the name
   of the tool you use
   to cut holes
   in sewers
   and it might come in handy
   to cut throw that wall of yors
   or least start us off

      we're nearly there
      shall we have breakfast first

   can you smell that

      yeah
      shall we go there

   yeah

      and you don't mind

   mind what

      doing this

   doing what
   being with you
   i love being with you

      no -- grins the character --
      putting the drain in

   no i don't mind
   it beats carting the chemical toilet
   down stairs
   and it shouldn't take us long any way
   no it'll be good

      we'll not get that far this year

   won't we

      no -- stops the character --
      i told you
      the council won't allow
      an outside down pipe
      and i can't put the pipe
      down the inside wall yet
      until the electricity board
      have moved their box
      out of the way
      and that won't be until next month
      at the earliest

   ok
   well not to worry
   we'll still get half way there
   from the sewer in the road
   and pipe up to the house
   and then through the wall
   and cap it of
   and then wait for the box
   to be moved
   ok

     ok
     how hungry are you
     i'm ravenous
     my treat

   pretty

     the character stops the car
     outside a bistro
     pulls what appeared to me
     to be an expressive face
     and states --

     what are you looking at !

   you

     the character smiles again
     and maybe this time
     there was a slight giggle
     and said --
     and you've got the measurements

   yes
   measure twice
   build once

     come on then
     let's eat first
     if we're quick
     we'll get back
     before the others are up ...


   a little later
   after a little dinner
   and an apparent chance encounter
   and a scout around
   cambrai tool suppliers
   we're back in the car
   with a ten inch stone chisel
   and a shovel with a very long handle
   with a blade that looks like
   a pointy open fan

   we've got all the materials though
   four metres of 100 mill plastic pipe
   three 90 degree bends
   cement and sand

   there's a pick
   mallets and a metre level
   back at the house
   we're renovating ...


     it was nice of him to offer
     -- begins the character --
     don't you think
     to offer to help

   yeah
   have you known him long

     oh
     no not really
     i met him
     at the beginning of the summer
     i like him

   yeah
   seems like a nice chap
   he's got big arms
   i think he works out

     did you notice that

   yeah
   he might come in handy

   the digging i mean

     oh -- replies the character

   he's bonny as well
   -- says i --
   he's a good looking chap
   if that's what yor after

     the character smiles again
     and says --

     i think he likes me
     because i'm foreign

   are you -- says i

     don't tease silly
     i mean
     i think he likes me
     because i'm english

   oh -- says i --
   are you
   is that what's up with him
   he's some kinda anglophile

     don't -- smiles the character --
     i mean, stop
     and you,
     and you don't mind

   no
   what
   being with you
   no, i love being with you

     no
     i didn't mean that
     but i suppose
     well
     i suppose it's like
     a roman holiday for you

   er
   guess so
   but no
   it's more like a
   drainage dream ...


     be'dang
     be'dang be'dang
     be'dang

   we chisel the wall
   five hundred mill thick
   from both sides
   for a day or two
   until
   until
   be'dang
   we're through
   then

             be'dang
     be'dang be'dang
             be'dang

   we chisel the wall
   both sides
   for a few hours
   until
   until
   be'dang
   we can get a pipe though

   the dig begins at the chamber
   in the road
   we have permission
   from the council
   they come out to watch
   the village does also
   some help

   i'd never seen a chamber like it
   well not on a foul
   it was more like a catch pit
   for silt on a storm water
   no benching
   and square
   pipes coming in at mid chamber height
   above a sink of mixed stagnant water

     be'dang
     be'dang be'dang
     be'dang

   i chisel the chamber wall
   both sides
   for a bit
       until
       until
     be'dang
   we can get a pipe though

   we have a metre of fall
   between the hole in the chamber
   and the one in the wall
   four metres away

   the dig begins again
   the village helps again
   we take it turns
   with the pick
   through chalk
   we shovel a bit

   yor one
   with the big arms
   turns up
   in an rs escort

   he helps for bit
   and chats for a bit
   i can just about click
   the dialect

   it's not the french
   i learnt at school
   it's more glottal
   sharper

   ch'ti

   bang bang bang
   he uses the pick
   then off, unlike his trousers
   he doesn't hang around too long
   he has no time too loose

   eat fast
   shit fast
   work fast
   is his motto

   we overdig the line
   by 50 mill
   line the overdig with sand
   place the pipe
   and sand surround

   i stop the pipe
   150 mill short of the chamber
   and form this stub distance
   with gobbo
   using a bit of cut pipe
   as internal shutter

   job done
   we back fill ...

   i suppose i'd been drinking all day ...


      you're drunk !
      -- says the character
         but they're not grinning now
         no
         not at all --

   a know
   and am tired too
   a'm off to bed
   have i said owt
   to upset ya

      no
      but why -- the character shakes their head --

   why what -- slurs i

      oh forget it

   am sorry my love
   goodnight

      oh -- stops the character --
      you've called me 'my love'

   oh
   a dint mean any thing nasty by it
   goodnight sweetheart ..




   .. i have a recurring dream

   ghost stories

   heists and poltergeists
   dostoevsky

   at weston park
   i meet a mate
   blinded
   landed
   disorientated

   woh woh
   -- says i grabbing said mate --
   where ya going

       can't you see it
       watch
       watch the rocks

   no -- says i --
   am blind
   what rocks
   what ya watching

       the rocks !
       those stepping stones
       can't you see it
       the patterns
       their movements

   no -- i reply --
   but am listening
   how do they move

       jump ! -- my mate grabs me
                 i am pulled
                 lurched
                 yards --

       we made it

       what's that noise
       what that
       it's biting me
       again
       it's biting me !

    where -- cries i
    on yor back

       no !
       not this time
       my right thigh !

   a'll get it
   can you feel that
   can you feel my hand

      yes
      watch
      we've got to jump
      this way !
      -- my mate pulls me again

   no ! -- i resist, then pulling also --
   not that way
   this way
   can't you hear it

       no !
       have we landed

   yes

       i'm tired

   i know
   come on soldier
   i need ya now
   i'm blind
   where's the next rock

       there
       there
       oh ...
       it's changing
       it's not a rock
       get it !
       stop it !

   sssshhhh -- says i pulling --
   can you hear that noise
   this way now
   jump
   jump !

       have we landed

   yeah
   we're moving
   we're getting closer
   to the tower

       yeah
       that's what it is
       the big rocks move faster
       like a verse square
       but concentric
       but fractaled ...

       woh !
       woh, what's that !

   i don't know

       can't you see !

   no i'm blind
   but i can hear something

       what is it !

   it's like
   it's like
   someone pushing a trolley

       yes !
       is that what it is

   i'm not sure
   wheels any way
   any way
   how did you get here
   can you remember

       i crashed
       i was gliding through shadow
       i veered to the port
       and i crashed
       i crashed here

   why here

       isn't it obvious !

   no

       i'm going keep him company
       i'm going keep them company

   oh

   oh

   oh

   hold on ...


   ... i take a crank key
   out the logres
   well out mi pocket
   and fit it to the bottom
   of the tower
   like an old fashioned
   starting handle

   i turn the crank
   the tower lowers slowly
   and turns in to
   a hospital bed

   i put mi mate upon it ...


   here ..

   here
   -- says i --
   lie down
   yor back yor here


       oh -- says mi mate
             slowly focusing
             one eye
            any   way

   are you alright mate
   -- says i

       don't call me that !
       i hate it
       when you call me that
       i am not yor mate !
       -- barks mi mate

   no i know
   i was just checking
   to see whether you were
   compos mentis

       oh -- mi mate giggles
             then suddenly sneezes

   here -- says i
           wiping away the fluid
           with a tissue produced
           from a warmer place

       what is it
       -- says mi mate --
       it's not snot is it

   nayow
   it's not snot chab
   -- says i --
   i don't think
   we've got long left

       nayow
       neither do i ..




   ... i wake up early
   dehydration mainly
   the morning after
   the night before

   go down stairs
   stoke up the enamel stove
   with a cast top and interior
   cook up some coffee
   eat up some bread and brie
   stack some mini continental
   bier bottles in a big plastic crate

   dawn
   i hear a rat tatting
   in the distance
   up the slopes

   what is it
   i listen closer
   towards the front
   i look at the chiseled hole
   to the the right of the front door

   i look plum up
   at the electricity box
   it is mounted on a wooden board
   which is itself mounted
   by four corner screws
   upon the wall

   oh -- thinks i --
   we don't have to move the box at all
   we just need to move the board

   i go get a step ladder
   the rat tat tatting starts again
   in the distance
   up on the hills
   as a certain character calls the slopes
   but then
   they were brought up in flat land
   where there are no hills
   and i maintain in the guise
   of a geographer
   that the village we are in
   is gently undulating

   i open the front door this time
   and stare out
   up in to the distance
   rat tat tat
   ra ta ra ta rat tat tat

   what is it -- thinks i --
   a big cowy
   er, kawasaki
   or is just somat like
   an honda placky
   but with a broken silencer

   a big neighbour
   across the road
   opens the door in their jim jams
   stretches smiles
   and waves across

   i wave back
   rat tat tat
   gets louder
   oh it's coming -- thinks i --
   both the neighbour and i await
   rat tat tat tat tat
   then there
   zooms past slowly between us
   an early rising local older teenager
   on some sort of beat up velo
   or moped maybe
   with a local younger teenager
   sat at the back
   side saddle
   both of them smiling
   bumping along
   the uneven road

   the neighbour and i
   both smile and wave
   to the bikers
   the neighbour looks above me
   smiles nods and disappears

   i turn round and look up slant
   in a first floor window
   a certain character stands
   stone faced in a grey
   shoulderless vest

   i wave
   we brief smile
   then we both disappear inside
   i climb up the step ladder

   not as much as a minute
   am i up there
   before the character
   is dressed and down stairs
   or very nearly
   stopping a few steps up
   and shouting --

          get down !

   what's wrong
   -- says i --

          you
          get down !

   i climb down
   the step ladder

   what is it
   -- says i --

          you -- the character turns
                 up the stairs again
                 and back into their bedroom

   i follow
   i open the door
   enter
   and shut it behind me

          what are you doing
          in my bedroom -- says the character

   you come in to my room
   when i'm asleep

   what is it
   is it that i didn't
   ask yor permission
   i was only looking

          looking at what
          -- replies the character

   the electricity box
   i thought i could
   move it
   as a surprise

          i don't want any surprises !
          i've had enough surprises !

   what is it -- i persist

          the non grinning character
           sits on their bed
            shakes their head
             eyes more aqueous looking
              than usual
               and takes off their jumper

   do you want me
   to make love to you
   -- says i --

           is that your answer to everything !

   no
   it is a question
   you are undressing on a bed in front of me

           i am getting changed !
           and you are in my room !

   oh -- says i


        our eyes are locked


                   is everything alright in there you two
                   -- comes a call from some folk outside --

           the character shakes their head
           and sighs --

           how must that last bit have sounded

   i shake my head

           yes
           we're ok
           i'm just changing -- calls outloud the character

   i giggle --

   i apologise for being base
   i mistook what was happening

           how !
           -- the character entreats
              though in a lower volume --
           don't tell me you've never seen
           naked shoulders before
           because i won't believe you

       our eyes are still locked

   oh -- i stops giggling
         and kneel --
   listen
   let's talk
   but let me go and get some coffee first
   cause yor only just up
   and got dressed quickly
   and i have seen naked shoulders before
   but not yors
   and i'm still looking in to yor eyes now
   even when they are naked
   but i know they must be pretty
   their bound to be aren't they
   shall i get the coffee
   and we'll talk yeah

           yes -- nods the character --

           but could you get me
           some warm water first
           please

           and promise me
           no more work

   sure
   -- nods i as i leave the room
      and go stoke the stove some more --

        in the kitchen
        i am asked to give
        some explanation
        to the getting undressed
        getting changed outburst
        by way of a query
        suggesting the sound of the velo
        being responsible for the
        startled state of the non grinning character

   i don't know
   if that was it
   -- says i
      filling up a big enamel jug --
   but i think
   i've just been sacked

        oh ..
        but,
        you're always getting sacked

   no i know
   but this time
   i think yor one really means it

        what do you mean

   well this time
   i've been told:
    no more work
   and made to promise

        oh

   yes oh

        well don't look so disappointed
        we are on holiday too you know
        if there's no more work
        then we may use the vehicle
        to go places

   oh
   yes
   good

        no
        not good:
         goodie
        we're on holiday
        you are both finally on holiday too:
         say goodie

   yes
   goodie
   i'm on holiday
   we're on holiday
   oh goodie ..

   .. i take the jug up
   knock, call and leave it
   outside the door

   .. about fifteen minutes later
   i'm back up again
   with coffee juice and roles
   i knock and enter

           how did it go
           -- asks the character
              now dressed in none work clothes --

   how did what go
   -- i reply
      lowering a tray --

           downstairs

   oh
   the cross examination

           yes -- grins the character --
           if you like:
            but let's say
            the examination in chief,
            how did it go

   do you think so chief
   well may be so,
   do you know
   i was told
   we are now on holiday
   and told to say:
    goodie

   and
   i don't know
   how things work around here
   but judging from what yor wearing
   i guess we are on holiday now:
    goodie

           yes
           -- grins the character --
           no
           i don't know either
           but yes
            goodie
            let's be on holiday
            we haven't got long left now

   no
   i guess not
   where do you want it

           what

   yor drink
   and look
   there's breakfast

           oh
           thanks

   i didn't make it

           oh
           thanks any way

   yor welcome

           the character begins
           to munch and drink
           alternatively
           and voices
           through wet crumbs --

           phwat

    what phwat -- says i

           phwat you looking at

    you
    do you mind

           not really
           was any thing else said:
            downstairs

    not really
    they thought that momo bike
     might have scared you ..


    why ..

    why you cry ..

    what is wrong ..

           with me:
            nothing
           it's you:
            up those ladders
            moving an electrical box
            trying to impress everyone
            trying to surprise me !

    i know
    you've already sack me
    for that one:
     but what is it though

           silence
           and then --
           oh, it is not you:
            it is that,
            it is that ..
            that is how precisely
             my brother died

    oh,
    sorry
    i didn't know

    hold on ..
    i find ..
    listen ..
    i am not yor brother
    and i find this hard to believe

           what !
           do you think
           i would make this up !

           get out !
           leave now !

     no,
     ssh my love
     i mean i will get out
     if you want me to
     but i mean i find it
     difficult to believe
     that you have a dead brother
     cause i've traveled
     a couple o'thousand miles
     with yor sister
     in many cold grim places
     and she din't mention it
     not the once
     but i don't doubt yor word
     i never have
     not since i first
     clapped eyes on you

                   are you sure
                   everything is alright in there
                   with you two
                   -- comes a call from one o'us mates outside --

           yes -- replies the character --
           we're just changing
           i mean
           i was just changing again ..


   .. we wait
   for the footsteps
   to retreat ..



          this afternoon
          i am going to a gallery
          with forearms
          as you call him

          would you like to come too

   ok
   but
   i wouldn't want to be
   in the way

          no you wouldn't
          you aren't

   are you sure
   i could always
   get out of yor way
   if you wanted

         yes
         no
         i mean you're not in the way
         so don't
         get out of the way please
         ok

    ok

        we'll need two cars
        can you follow
        in the 2cv
        whilst i ride
        in the escort:
         i need to speak to him
         about something ..




   .. the week after
   mi welsh mate
   had smashed the side window
   out the works van
   i'm up at the detention tank
   bright and chirpy
   on the monday morning

   i notice
   the windscreen
   of the benchers's van
   is spotless
   both inside
   and out

   has somebody turned domestic
   -- i ask
      nodding to the windscreen
      directly the query to
      one o'the lads
      on a tea brake
      sitting out the van's back doors
      --

      don't
      -- replies the lad drinking
         nodding to the sour faced
         ganger
         in the distance --
      it's him

   it's him what
   -- says i
      nodding at the ganger --
   did he clean it

     clean what
     -- says another one o'the gang
        approaching the van --

      the windscreen
      -- replies the lad
         supping his tea --

     noh,
     did he fuck
     he punched it out
     friday night
     the mad cunt

    never

      he fucking did
      straight out
      yor mate's
      fucking upset him

   fuck -- i shake my head
           as the ganger walks across

   has my mate upset ya -- says i

    the welsh are always upfuckingsetting things
    -- says the ganger

   yeah a know
   how -- says i

    breaking fucking windows

     oh -- says one o'the gang --
     er ..
     you best leave

   nayow
   what am i missing

     the strike ! -- barks the ganger

   ah ..
   -- slows i --
   .. the taxi driver

   -- i begin to
      look in to
      the ganger's eyes
      shake mi head and say --

   i can't get off
   this fucking playground

      fuck,
      where were you
      -- slows the ganger --

   here, well
   all over
   nottinghamshire for a bit
   although i never thought ..
   a never thought ..
   -- i shake mi head again--

       what

   well
   am from round here
   arn't a,
   a never thought
   a'd want any thing to do
   with yor fucking county
   ever again !

    steady
    -- says one o'the gang --

   nayow !
   let's get on wi' it !
   -- barks i --
   let's drop the counties
   and principalities
   and let's just call each other
   scabs
   for a fucking change !

    fuck
    where were you

   here
   -- slows i --
   north
   and nottinghamshire
   for a bit

     i never saw you
     in nottinghamshire
     -- says the ganger

   well you wouldn't have
   a wa' in firbeck
   three legs
   85
   spring summer anyway

       i was in firbeck
       two legs
       in 83
       -- says one o'the gang --

     hey
     do you know
     a lad called john
     he must have been in
     at the same time
     legs
     like you

   a know a couple o'johns
   from firbeck
   -- slows i --
   what's he look like

     scottish

   oh
   jock
   covered in tattoos
   of his siblings' tomb stones
   talks a bit like this
   when he gets going --

    no one calls me
    a fucking tart !

      fuck
      you do know him

   yes
   he's mi mate
   what's he up to

     oh, i don't ask

   i giggle

     fuck
     did you used to have long hair

   yeah
   do i know you

     no
     but i know john

     are you the fucking hippie

   i giggle --
   no one's called me that
   in a very fucking long time

     never
     are you the fucking hippie

   well yeah
   na can tell ya,
   na can
   it's a fucking playground round here
   not a fucking building site ..




   .. back with a certain character
   after the trip to the open galleries
   we set about consuming
   some couscous brought in
   by the older bike riding teenager

           that went well
           -- smiles the character

   did it -- says i

           yes i don't think
           we'll be seeing much more of him
           not this year at least

   i thought you like him

           i do
           oh
           no
           i did't mean like that
           at all

           i mean,
           he'd ask me to stay
           when you all go back

           that's what i wanted
           to talk to him about

   oh
   and yor not

           no
           i'm going to greece

   oh

           you can come with me
           if you wish

   silence
   like a lot
   o'silence

           oh

   it's not ..

           don't
           i don't want to know

   no, i know
   but it's not that ..

           no i know that too
           and i don't want to know that too

           don't

   well may be it's for the best
   any way

   well it is
   init

           what is

   that you broke off courting him
   before starting properly on me

           i have not been courting either of you

           how dare you presume !

           get out !


   .. i listen
      i am silent ..


           do you have nothing to say

   yes
   i think the others
   must have either got used to us tantrums
   or just gone off some where
   to get out o'us way

           the character appeared to me
           to giggle
           and then stopped

   .. i am concerned
      although i do not say so
      i say --

   what is it

           let's go find them

   what for
   applause

           no !
           oh you can be so cutting

           they are by themselves !

      -- our eyes lock
     i apologise and say --

   don't worry about them
   they should be alright
   they normally fare far better than me
   let's go follow them in a bit
   we're on holiday yeah
   we've still got a few days left
   before you follow the herds
   and i go back to work

           i knew
           you
           were going to say that
           and i told you
           i din't want to know

   well you do know now
   and i know you know now
   and i think we could both know now
   at least if nothing else
   that this could be
   a start

           a start to what !
           how can there be any start !

           you have commitments

   i know
   haven't you

           yes ..

           no
           not like yours

   well everyone's different
   and i guess you've got some
   i've not even thought about

          .. silence ..

          what ever you think
          i am like
          i am not

   why
   where you born
   on a cusp

          the character grins --

          don't,
          oh come on ..

          i'm going to really ..

          no, you're right
          we've still got a few days left

          what do you want to do

   potter
   and cook
   the food here's like a dream

          do you like tarts

   -- i grin this time --

          what is it
          oh you !

   no
   it is not that
   yeah
   i do like tarts
   especially the tarts around here
   but i was referring to
   the raw materials
   there's so fresh
   you can taste it
   you can see it
   you can feel it
   i mean
   those eggs i had earlier
   have not had eggs like them
   since i lived in ireland

          no don't

   what
   don't you like eggs
   oh
   sometimes
   it can be so ying and yang
   around here

          do you say things
          just to confuse

   i don't mean to
   oops,
   i mean the eggs
   listen
   i am aware of the horrors
   of factory farming
   but the eggs around here
   aren't of that texture
   the shells are thick
   the white is firm
   the yolk colour matches the season
   some are red spotted

           oh
           no
           i didn't mean don't like that
           i meant don't
           just don't

   don't what

          start work again

   oh -- i stop
         but see something
         and start again --

   listen
   you like tarts don't you
   do you fancy making some tart tarts
   sweet'arts, oops
   sorry i stuttered one in there

          stop

   i will, but
   we can do this together yeah
   we've just lived a drainage dream
   we can live a cooking dream now

          don't
          no stop
          -- the character shakes their head --
          we could get fat

   no
   well not unless we wanted to
   everything in moderation
   even moderation

         stop

   no we could
   it would be good
   it would be like
   a topping off ceremony
   we always have one
   at the end of every job
   we finish

         a ceremony
         topping off

   yeah
   the topping off:
    snagging finished
    kit squared away
    job's a goodun
    have a knees up
    it's traditional

         tradition !
         never !

   .. now i stop
   well briefly --

   what do you mean:
   never !

         traditional
         i thought you said
         everything on your jobs
         is contractual
         even down to the shoe polish

   oh don't get me started ..
   come on
   shall we go and find the scamps

        yeah ..

       no
       let's stay here
       for a little while at least
       i wish to change
       in any case

       let's do that,
       let's do the cooking dream

   yeah

       yes

   goodie

        yes goodie

       oh
       did i see you earlier
       pouring the contents of the porta loo
       in to a wheel borrow

   yeah
    how did you get from cooking to ..
     oh it is though:
     tomatoes

       what tomatoes -- asks the character --

    .. i shake my head ..

       whose tomatoes -- i am asked again --

    .. i shake my head again
    and reply --

      i don't know ..

      actually
      thinking about it
      i was told
      by the bloke
      with the wheel barrow
      that he wanted it filling
      for some tomatoes
      but may be
      he was just pulling my leg ..

      tomatoes are grown around here
      though
      aren't they

        yes -- replies yor one --
        do you know him

   no
   well i think i'd recognise him again
   if i met him,
   but he can't get up to
   too much mischief
   with a wheel barrow full of shite
   surely ..

   oh no
   you don't think i've done wrong
   do you

       no, no

       oh do stop !

       where did you meet him

    he just wondered by
    with a barrow
    and we both got chatting

    there's loads left though
    if that's yor worry

       no,

       that's not my worry at all
       -- replies the character --
       as you would say
       there's bound to be more fresh ..




   .. back in the cabins
   on the porter
   i'm standing over mi plan chest
   trying to get mi head around
   a reinforcement drawing

   through a messed window
   i sees mi welsh mate
   pulling up
   in the works' van, a cavalier
   turns off the power
   the van radio stops
   mi welsh mate whistling
   'oh what a night'
   in to us kitchen
   brews some tea
   stirs three sugars in
   and comes see me
   closes mi door
   and says --

      what did you tell
      the steel fixers

   why
   what did they say -- says i

      nothing

   what,
   nothing -- i query

      no
      nothing
      well nothing out of order

      what did you tell them

   nothing
   well
   nothing they didn't already know

      .. silence and then --
      listen
      this is not my first ship you know

   silence and then i reply --
   i know

       .. silence and then
       mi welsh mate starts --

       i wouldn't put much store by
       what yor one from the office thinks
       i have my spies in the office
       and they tell me, that our colleague was informed
       quite clearly,
       that none of their experience is relevant,
       because it was not earnt here,
       and here, in this city,
       we have a very tight specification

    silence and then i reply --
    no i know
    i didn't put much store
    by what our colleague said
    after that bit suggesting
    that the best place for anger
    is at home

       silence and then
       mi welsh mate starts
       again --
       listen
       you must think very carefully
       before discussing any conversation
       internal to these walls
       elsewhere
       because this is the city
       and we talk for the city

       any split will be exploited

       same goes for the van

    silence and then i reply --
    listen
    i think very carefully
    before discussing any of our conversations
    when ever
    even if we're only
    on top of a hole
    telling sewer rat
    what we gonna do
    if it rains ...




   .. in december
   that year
   in a university town
   a certain character
   and i
   are cambering around
   having a time

   it is a very short time
   but it is pretty much our own
   in that
   we have chosen
   to spend it together ...

   yor warm
   -- says i --

   we are lying close
   to one another

   we've done this before
   -- says i --

       how -- quizzes the character

   when we were in france
   i felt you then
   yor warmth
   when we fell over
   remember

       oh
       yes i remember

       and is that what you remember
       my warmth

    yes
    amongst other things
    but that in particular
    i suppose it's because
    i wasn't looking at you

    no it was the first time

    i turned to look
    and you sacked me
    for looking
    remember
    and you told me to:
     just look at the sky

       yeah
       it was very clear
       no light pollution
       the velvet sky
       draped translucence
       and ..

       no
       what am i talking about
       you dropped me
       you great big lummox

       you must have felt
       my warmth prior to then
       while you gave me that piggy back
       -- i get a elbow jabbed gently
          in the solar plexus --

    as i remember
    i cautioned you
    at the time
    about jumping me
    but you had a plan
    of yor own

        yes,
        you were quite drunk

     i am silent
     i feel a slight movement
     and in time reply --


    so were you that night
    it wasn't me
    that wanted to arm wrestle

        oh ..

        oh yes

        that did amuse me
        slightly ..

        how does it go again:
         there's only three possible outcomes

    -- i begin to think
       tangentially
       about climates
       or more over
       the slower moving
       surface topography
       of the land below
       and say --

    yes
    that's it, though
    it was a set up
    though you know

        what was

    the competition
    that wrestling,
    or rather
    it was seeded

        i thought we drew lots

    no
    the names were put
    in to the hat
    -- my nose brushes
       is brushed
       by the hair
       of said character --
     but they were poured back out again
     by some old blokes
     near the back
     who then matched up
     the bouts
     as they saw fit ..


        oh
        well it doesn't matter
        it was only for fun ..

      no

      i guess not

      -- this is how it comes to me --

      brest
      climates
      world geography
      did you to that at school

         the character sighs and says --
         sometimes you are such a squiggle
         yes i did geography
         and ..
         because there always appears
         to be an 'and'
         with you ..


      and -- i continue --
      name a place
      that has a northern european climate

         oh yes
         brest
         of course

         it's categories
         pockets
         or rather empty pockets

      yes
      and remember that sky
      we've got the same one outside
      that's northern european too

         oh it's lot colder now
         -- acts shivers the other


     guess so

     yor man was always going to win
     though
     the arm wrestling
     so what happened in between
     was just entertainment

        you kissed him
        -- retorts the other --

     i know
     well she kissed you
     and any way
     i wanted him to giggle
     it released his tension


     -- silence
     and stillness --


     hey ..

     can i call you little lummox

       no

     not even
     a great little lummox

       no

     ok
     do you know this warmth thing
     back in france
     i meant it was the first time
     we held hands

       did we

     yes
     on the floor
     whilst we stared up
     you took my hand

       oh
       did i
       i wouldn't put much store by that
       i had been drinking

     no i know
     but yor sober now arn't ya

       yes
       you know i am
       you've been with me all day
       haven't you
       well
       other than when i went
       toodaloo

     oh -- i slow --
     am double checking
     cause we're holding hands again
     you know

     -- silence
        like a lot of silence
        which is fine by me ..

        but then
        i go break it --

      do you need the loo now

        no -- is replied --
        did you feel that

      yeah slightly
      it kinda woke me
      do ya mind
      if i go make a coffee

        no ..

      do ya want a drink

        no ..

        oh ..

        hold on a minute
        -- the other looks
           at me

      i shake my head
      and say --
      i had a few shandies
      whilst you supped
      yor own choice
      of fizzy pop
      that's all

        oh ...

        use my robe to keep warm

      may i

        no
        thinking about it
        do you know who i am

      i think i've got a good idea

        right
        stay there
        i'll ware it, and
        i'll make the coffee
        everyone knows
        i change in front of you

      thank you ..

      -- as the other exits
      i move my hand
      around their warm impression
      left in the mat
      at the side of me
      i take my glasses off
      and stare at the shadows
      moving over hanging tapestries
      small noise distant
      traffic
      creaks
      what one thing
      what event
      i role my head
      about a pillow
      dark parallax
      gives false depth
      to the morris wall paper
      as memories
      of a tom robinson hit song
      tumbles through my slumber
      only the young
      and very beautiful
      i feel my chest move
      as i breath out
      count it's rhythm
      i lean back
      leaving one hand trailing
      in the same spot
      departed
      small
      far away noises
      i am away ..

       .. wake up
       and smell the coffee
       -- says the other
          now back beside me

     hiya -- says i
             it is quite a bit darker
             our noses are pretty much
             touching

       felt -- says the other --
       does that fabric
       touch you

     i like felt
     do you like string ..

     hold on a min
     how long have you been here

       ages -- smiles the other --
       the coffee will be
        by now
       kinda cool
        i brought some juice too

     thank you

     -- time passes --

     steel

      what about it

     squiggly lines sapphire

      straight lines silly
      steel is straight lines
      silly squiggle

     yes
     on paper
     but really
     it's thick bars
     put them too close together
     and you form
     a sieve
     in the
     wet concrete mix

     .. i feel something stir --
     is that yor tummy again

      tummy is such a nice word
       no
      don't you think so
       no silly
      you're not holding my tummy

    oh
    i think i should
    -- i remember
       i remember the coffee
       and sit up slowly
       one hand trailing up
       along another's arm
       i drink the dark cool taste
       returns back blinked
       nose up close
       myopic space --

   navel
   the mediterranean
   merchant sailors
   ganged in boats
   shored
   stevedores
   lifting tugging
   competition
   survival
    lay back
    soft tummy
    navel manoeuvres
    and i'll sail ya
    a tale of set ups
    you go down
    to greece again
    warm toe sands
    solid skies
    and i'll drift out
    of liverpool docks
    chase the work
    and work the lines

    imagine
    breezing in dark stranger
    bristling in their youth
    resonating, sparky
    raw

    oh,
    i didn't mean to make you quiver
    oh
    is that better ..

     no ..

     no not there

     no squiggling around here

     that better
     yeah there ..


    opticians
    you know
    have it easy these days
    no, they do
    now i don't like to slag anybody off
    but if you've ever had glasses from them you'd know
    that when it comes to them testing you
    they put a pair of adjustable lenses
    right and left
    in front of yor own
    and work out the strength
    of the lenses they want to sell you
    by focusing yor attention
    to the range they have available
    and asking you to look straight through them
    and answering this repeated question --

     is it better
     like this
     or like this

     oh .. no,

     no, oh mean

      here is that better

     oh no

      what about here

       oh
       yeah

      do you think it's
      scientific


      it must be
       they're doctors
       arn't they


      i might try it some day

       what

     this,
     and
     going in to one
     one day
     and saying

       doctor

       doctor
       have somat wrong mi eyes
       a din't use to have

       can you cure it doctor

     oh

     oh that feels strange

     yor arm there

     it's like a huddle

       huddle

        squiggle
         cuddle
         silly

     yeah
     like a cuddle
     but you doing it to me
     rather than me
     doing it to you
      am being huddled

      here

      better

      baby eyes

      i heard one once
      about a trick cyclist
      who regressed
      fee paying customers
      back to the age
      when their sight was best

       then slowly

       slowly

        here

        slowly

       yeah slowly

       slowly
       gressed them back again

       leaving their baby eyes
       back regressed

       doctor

        i might try it

        here

        doctor

        i don't care
        if yor frames
        make me look sexy dr
        i don't ware
        my specs in bed
        unless am reading
        it's weird in it
        you use props
        all the time
        don't ya


        oh
        yes
        and

       oh there's always
       an 'and' with you

        and

        what do you think

       what

       now

        oh

        no
        i didn't mean props
        like that

        i meant stuff like hats
        and coats
        and umbrellas

        oh,

        i need to go

        i need to go to the jacks


     no

       yes i do

       sorry luv

       a'll be as quick as i can


   ... quite a bit later
       i return

       sat up
       is the other
       wearing glasses --

        where have you been

   to the toilet
   what you done
   to yor hair

        the other feels
        at their hair
        sighs and declares --

       props
       i can't believe
       i'm still wearing these

       -- the other removes
          the spectacles
          and begins to take out
          hair pins --

       which toilets,
       apparently you went out
       in search of tobacco

   well
   that as well
   here
   have you eaten
   i brought you this

       don't give me that
       you smell of kebab

       where have you been !

   er
   yeah
   i didn't mean
   to be so long
   i just got
   caught up in things
   you know how it goes
    here
    we've not eaten much today
    have it

     no !

   oh

     why !

   why what

     you infuriate me
     you really do
     where have you been

   i went toodalu

     there's one here !

   yeah a know
   the one i went to
   was in a pub though ..


   i didn't know
   you could throw
   as well as that
   are you sure
   you don't want it


   it's not how it appears
   you know
   they're props too
   the tobacco,
   the kebab
   the pub

   i went to a jacks
   in a pub
   to get what you normally get
   in a jacks
   in a pub
   when other places are shut

     dafty -- says the other --
     you should have said

     no hold on minute
     how is the kebab a prop

   well it's not
   strictly speaking
   it was a red herring
   to put folk
   off the scent

      oh -- grins the other --
      here

   oh
   wow
   that's a big box

      they're not just
      for me

   oh
   i'm so naive

   here
   do you want it

      -- the other nods
         and takes
         the said snack

    i thought
    for one moment
    you'd cut yor hair

      did you like it

    what

      the effect
      here please
      -- hand motioning --
      pass me those glasses back will you
      -- the other puts on
         the spectacles
         pulls their hair tight
         from the back
         of their head
         and says --
      what do you think

    you look a bit like me
    but darker and far bonnier
    but munching on a nut bar

       no -- munches the other --
       forget about the nut bar
       that's not a prop
       look again
       and imagine this time
       that you are bogart

    oh
    yor bacall

      no
      not who am i
      what am i -- the other
                   pushes the glasses
                   down their nose
                   and stares over them

    ah
    yor a librarian

      yes -- smiles the other --
      now i can take
      these silly glasses off also

   shake yor head
   like that again -- says i

      no -- says the other
            shaking their head again

   oh, that reminds me
   we ought to move on
   but before i forget
   i think yor beautiful

       don't

     what

       no
      do that
        but don't that

     what

       oh

       you are silly

     budge over a bit
     oow
     that's warm
     are you in a cold bit now
      swap pogs

      what's a pog

     yor pog
     my pog
     budge back to yor pog
      yor pogs warm
       i'll climb over

        don't

      well
      you climb over then

       no
       i mean don't
       stay there

      oh
      yor doing that thing
      with yor arm again
      hey
      are you sure

       yes
       you smell of apples

     oh
     you smell
    hey
    beautiful
     don't want

      don't say i'm beautiful

     i didn't

      oh

     but i think you are

      don't

     does it worry ya

      no
      not really
      but that might

    oh
    don't let it

      but it does

    ok
    it worries me sometimes
    but i try not to let it
    i'll put it here for a bit
    and caution it
    to mind it's manners

    no, i didn't mean there

    my, yor hand's are cool

      sssh sssh ...




   back in the cabins
   on the porter
   mi welsh mates barks
   at me --

      how do you know this fucking story
      yor not fucking navy

   no i know
   but i know navy
   or rather
   i know navy story
   mi landlords
   an ex ships surgeon
   but this is an old story
   and it's still coming to me
   in bits
   but i ha'nt heard this one
   since i wor a kid

     well -- says mi welsh mate --
     that is what they did call me
     i didn't mind it at the time
     i was very dark,
     it started off as a joke, see
     in my gang
     which i didn't mind see
     and then the name some how stuck
     it was easy to pronounce
     by most nationalities

     it was a sharp name
     very sharp

   and you don't like the name now

     well
     i am fair now
     but then i was very tanned
     i was working in the med
     but if some one called me that now
     and i didn't instantly recognise them
     then i would down the cunt

   oh

     well
     wouldn't you

   er, i can't imagine
   the circumstances
   arising

     well
     you never know -- says mi welsh mate
                       while tea stirring

   when i heard this story
   you didn't jump ship
   for the reason you gave though
   when i heard it
   it concerned two beautiful women

     is that how they tell it
     -- snorts mi welsh mate --
     well of course
     many beautiful women were involved
     what do you take me for
     but it wasn't like that
     no
     not at all
     it was all a set up
     see

   oh

     yes
     no one ever fucking knows
     do they

   i guess not
   -- i pause --
   i wouldn't let it worry you though
   the skin colour thing

     how do you mean

   well
   you are related arn't ya

     are you mad
     i am welsh !

   no i know
   but you are related
   if not to that lot
   then to the cousins next door

     what do you mean

   persia
   the welsh and the iranians
   have closely matching blood types
   their yor cousins

     you are fucking mad !
     -- retorts mi welsh mate --
     look at the fucking legs
     on your iranian mate
     you could catch a pig
     with fucking legs like that,
     do i have fucking legs like that

   no
   but you have similar blood
   apparently

     well -- says mi welsh mate
             twisting together
             one middle and one index finger --

     it's like this, see
     it doesn't surprise me at all
     that there's welsh blood
     in iran
     or every where for that matter
     but don't try and tell me
     that there's anything other
     than welsh blood
     in welsh blood

   oh, well
   nayow then
   have i got time
   for a cuppa though -- says i

     only if yor quick
     -- says mi welsh mate ..

  .. i go to the kitchen
  brew one up
  one sugar
  and mi welsh mate continues --

     listen there's too much steel
     in these plans

   oh
   how do you know

     here
     look
     can't you see it
     did you design this

   yeah
   well
   quite a bit of it

     have you ever fixed steel

   no

     well then
     you can't see it yet
     can you
     redo the calcs
     take some of this steel out
     there's too much here

   oh
   are you sure

     yes
     this is not my first chamber
     redo the calcs
     or get the r e to do it

   ok
   oh
   er
   but
   the steels already on site

      well

   well
   what will we do
   with the spare

     mi welsh mate pulls head
     six inch and says --

     contingency

   oh

     oh what

   oh, i didn't know
   that's why i was asking

     well, that's ok then
     but listen, betterment
     those bridle ways, and the footpaths

     we'll trade, you know this job,
     very few people
     could give a flying fuck
     about the standard of work
     on this job, it is a sewer
     they don't even want to think about it
     but i do
     and for the duration of this contract
     there will be many people, very tense
     about what we're doing here, to this land
     you've seen it for yourself, parks and leisure
     out here, shitting bricks,
     but you know
     they can't see it
     they can't see the finished works
     they can only see the here and now
     and they think it's all a mess,
     but do you know
     it doesn't fucking matter
     the only thing that will ever fucking matter
     to all but a very fucking few
     here, see
     is when we pull off, see
     and then
     the only thing
     they'll ever fucking care about
     is how we leave the surface

     here
     look at this drawing
     bridle ways
     and footpaths

     you know this route
     -- mi welsh mate points
        to a finishers drawing --
     would you take a horse
     down their

   er no
   i don't have a horse to take

     well i wouldn't take my mare

   oh

     and you've seen women
     struggling with prams

   yes

     well,
     we'll trade the steel
     redo the calcs, but
     finish your drink first
     and lets go get the new boots
     we'll get back soon after break

     have you got the requisition

   yes, progressive safety footware
   up the manor, hold on a minute
   have only just made mi cuppa
   it's still boiling

     come on
     finish quickly
     let's get from here
     yor worse than the fucking r e
     you are
     with the kit kat bar performance

   hold on a minute
   will ya

     come on, make a drink
     if you wish, when we get back
     and listen, if i pick a fight
     on this job, do not get in the way

   hold on a minute
   will ya
   -- says i --
   i care about this job
   i designed it, and listen
   am from round here, this is where a played
   when i was a kid

      well -- says mi welsh mate --

   well
   na can tell ya
   these been loads o'fights
   on this play ground
   and one o'em
   is still being played
   and any you pick
   will sooner o'later
   bump in to it

   mad cunts -- says i, continuing
                shaking mi head --

   we get the mad cunts here

     are you calling me
     a mad cunt ! -- barks mi welsh mate

   nayow -- barks i giggling --
   but dunt be surprised if other folks do

     am i being called that -- queries mi welsh mate --

   i dunt know rightly
   but have not heard it
   but you've got to admit
   sooner or later
   some one might
   if they're not already

     well -- says mi welsh mate grinning --
     they always call you fucking something
     and at least 'mad cunt' is a start
     -- mi welsh pauses
        but only briefly --
     listen hippie
     i can out fight
     out fuck
     and out think
     any cunt on this site, see
     if i pick a fight
     do not get in my way

   oh -- giggles i --
   that does feel strange
   have not been called that
   in a long a time
   and then to have it
   twice in one day

     mi welsh mate
     pulling the obligatory head back
     says --
     i'm beginning to worry about you
     have you finished that fucking cuppa
     lets go get the fucking boots

   ok ok, hold on
   you know this fighting fucking thinking thing
   can you dance as well

       mi welsh mate pulls yet further back

   i was only fucking asking -- says i ...




   ... in a dream
   on a hospital bed
   some one once said to me --

      why didn't you get out of the way

   i don't know

      couldn't you see
      what was happening
      why didn't you go up stairs

   why didn't you

      silence
      and then the reply --
      it is always
      so easy for you
      and then you throw it away

   how ever you think
   i have it easy
   you are confused -- i reply

      she is beautiful
      and you fail to realise

   no i know
   she's beautiful
   of that i've never had any doubt
   but i think
   you fail to realise
   the reality of sexual relationships

      why didn't you
      get out of the way !

   why was it so important
   was it yor first time

      yes !

   oh
   i didn't know

   hold on a minute
   rumour has it

      do not
      tell me
      about rumour !

   well
   if you say so
   am sorry chab
   a know you thought a lot
   about that character though
   they obliviously thought a lot
   about you
   a could tell from how you were snogging

      yes -- is giggled --

   that character is beautiful
   we kissed that night too

      did you
      -- the giggling stops --
      oh

   yes -- says i --
   we passed on the stairs
   when we took it in turns
   to go toodalu
   we kissed briefly there

      why !

   sometimes these things happen
   you know

      no !
      i do not know !

   no it wasn't like that
   it was a only kiss
   you know

      no !
      i do not know !

   of course you do
   you two were doing
   the snogging

      well !
      then !
      why did you get involved

   i was involved
   i was there wasn't i
   all three of us were
   they were difficult days
   we passed on the stairs ...




   ...it's five in the morning
   the end of december
   am still at the side
   of a certain other,
   i say --

   do you know
   that lad i kissed in france
   the one who made us that couscous
   he was quite bristly
   i think yor right
   he is older than he looks

      do you know
      sometimes
      i think the things you say
      are so quaint
      they're almost timeless

      but then it's like they almost
      tumble down upon themselves
      around some shocking scene
      of mortality

   oh
   i didn't mean to shock you
   especially here
   i don't mind that he's older than he looks
   i think he's good for the village
   it's you that was bothered

       there
       right there
       there's another one
       'good for the village'
       when i first heard you say that
       i was charmed
       i conjured up all kinds of images
       of where or whence you came from
       of what kind of person
       you may refer to traditionally
       as being 'good for the village':
        a butcher
        a baker
        a candle stick maker,
        and then you said --
         well
         if yor talking about trades
         lots o'folk in our village
         think the undertakers son
         is good for the village --
       viola !
       mortality !

   well he is
   have seen him work

       do we have to talk about this now

   no
   not necessarily
   do you want to see something

   no not that
   now yor being the silly one
   here
   you don't have to see this
   close yor eyes
   you can feel it
   what am i doing

       that tickles
       do it again please

   ok
   can you tell me
   what am i doing
   with my hands please

       yes
       you are pretending to twist
       the thumb of your left hand
       with the grip of your right hand
       then you release the thumb
       and flap my tummy
       with the back and fore
       of your left hand

   yes
   here
   i can do it with
   my right hand too
    can you feel that

       oh yes

    when my hands flaps
    on which part
    does it pivot

       well it wonders
       doesn't it

    no silly
    not which part of you
    which part of me

       oh
       your little fingers

    yes
    do you know what that is

       what what is

    what i've just shown you

       no

    it's called
    an irish clock work toy

       no,
       it is you
       that is silly

    no i know
    close yor eyes
    i've got another one
    what's this feel like

       it's a finger turning
       oh
       it's not
       i can feel two fingers
       turning
       twisted together
       you're crossing two fingers
       you're making a wish

    yes
    i thought so too
    but i don't think it's that

    have you ever seen someone
    crossing their fingers tight
    like this
    feel
    but nodding to someone else
    not there
    and saying --

      him and me are like this
       or
      her and me are like this
      and using the cross finger imagery
      to denote a fixed bond

        vaguely
        i get the symbolism

     can you imagine
     coming upon a character
     freaked out
     and crossing their fingers
     so so tightly
     like so
     and saying --

        i thought me and him
        were like this
        but he's like that
        with every one
        but it's never like this
          -- says the character --
             turning their crossed fingers down --
        it's always like this
          -- turning their crossed fingers up --
        he always on fucking top

      oh,
      thinking about it
      can i roll you over please
      and pull you on top
      i'd like to feel yor weight
      oh tanks
      you helped
      oh yor warm
      can i guess yor weight

         no
         cheeky

         excuse my hair

      i like yor hair
      in my face
      oh
      do you know what
      i think
      i have a cunning plan
      blackadder ..




    .. when i got back from france
    mi welsh mate came got me
    for our morning rounds
    in the porter valley

        how did you get on
        did you have a nice time

    yes
    it was lovely thanks

        what about yor one
        from brighton

    yes
    fine thanks
    they've gone off
    to greece for a few weeks

        well
        -- i am asked --
        why haven't you

    i've got a job here

        here -- says mi welsh mate --
        this, do you call this
        a fucking job, this is not a fucking job

    oh
    didn't you miss me

        no
        did i fuck
        no one's indispensable you know

    oh

        you should have gone
        to greece too

    well
    i got other stuff to do


        silence and then --
        here's your spare keys
        i won't be needing them again

    oh
    cheers

        i think it's these fucking boots

    what is

        they're poncy

    are they

        yes
        we should have got riggers

    oh
    how did you get on

        what with

    with mi flat
    don't answer
    if you don't wish

        it is not that
        it's these fucking boots i swear
        or your fucking futon
        do you sleep on that
        i just couldn't perform
        it's so low down

    silence
    and then --
    so'sa dachshund,
    what do you mean
    couldn't perform

        i couldn't perform
        on the job
        and the knives

    what fucking knives

        in your kitchen draw

    oh
    they're cooks knives
    -- i'm quite for a bit
    and then --
    listen
    you are not a fucking monkey

        what

    this performance thing

        no

    no

        no
        well now i'm not too sure
        but there's one thing i do know
        i don't appear to be
        an organ grinder

    i giggle

        this is not a laughing matter
        this is fucking serious this is !

    no i know -- i giggle

        listen -- quiets mi welsh mate --
        this is serious
        do you know how many times
        have had to go back for seconds
        since i was this high

    i shake mi head

        five

    oh
    -- i pause ...



       ... for quite a while,
       and then say --

    it's just like the fucking manholes init
    to hear you talk
    you've never built a bad one

        well i haven't
        -- barks mi welsh mate --

    i persist --
    no never the one
    never the one
    bad one

        i haven't,
        have you ever seen me
        build a bad manhole

    no

        has anyone ever told you
        that i built a bad manhole

    no

        well then

    well then what
    surely to goodness
    you must have built one bad one
    it stands to reason

        no

    not ever
    not when you first started in this game
    never
    not even one

        well
        they may have been the odd one or two
        very early on
        but ... -- continues mi welsh mate --
        they are very well buried now
        i know
        i buried them myself
        a very long time ago ...




  ... in a university town
  it's quite late
  or early
  depending on one's inertial frame

       oooh -- says a certain other --
       didn't you say
       oral sex
       was just talking about it

     you've got a good memory you
     you make a great detective

       ooh
       yes i would ..
       -- the other pauses --
       .. my sister thinks
       that you would sleep with anyone

     does she
     -- says i slowly --
     well i can understand
     how she might

       would you

     i don't know
     i'd sleep with you
     are you just anyone

       i don't know
       am i

     i don't think so

       but you have been
       this way
       with other people

     i nod and say --
     i know
     and so do you
     we both knew this
     before we started

       the other shakes their head

     what is it

       is there no difference for you

     of course there is
     am here arn't i

       that is no answer

     what do you want

       what do you mean
       what do i want
       i want an answer

     what to
     do you want me to say
     that i think yor special
     of course yor special
     everyone is
     you've got loads o'special people
     in yor life
     we both have
     some of them are the same folk

       yes
       and some of them
       are very different

     yes
     well everyone's very different

       yes
       well you would know
       apparently you've been with
       the full range
       even the ones
       who should be locked up

     oh
     well
     i don't know
     what you've heard
     but i guess some of it
     seems quite ugly

        you guess right
        some of the stories i've been told
        make me really wonder
        if this it not all
        some kind of
        elaborate game for you

     no -- i shake my head --
     not this one
     there's been some games played
     with me for sure
     quite a few
     without my consent
     but i'd still say
     i'm here arn't i
     and i still want to be

        don't compare me with her !

     i wasn't
     who is she

        -- a certain other shakes their head --
        do you know sometimes
        you are so obtuse
        you literally reduce me to tears

     i mean you no harm
     listen
     sweetheart
     if it's any consolation
     i feel the same way about you too

        don't say that
        you can't possibly know how i feel
        and don't ever call me sweetheart

     ok
     sorry
     somethings left me very numb once
     and i tend to upset
     those that get this close to me
     that's all

        what do you mean,
        that's all

     i mean
     that's all
     hey
     are you having fun
     using my rib cage as a drum

        yes

     ouch

        oh no
        sorry
        i was just testing how numb
        you really are,
        hold me

      i am holding you
      i've been holding you
      for a very long time
      i kinda like ya
      i kinda always have

        hold me tight

      ok sweetheart
      ouch
      you bit me then

        i know
        bite me back
        i'm not made of glass ...







        ... oh
        where are you going now

   i stood up
   i shake mi head
   and go to the window
   i stare at the sky

        where are you

   here

        no
        you've drifted again

   i don't want to
   -- i shake mi head --

        oh
        i thought

   no,
   not that
   not you
   i mean
   i don't want to
   hurt you

        you weren't

   it's raining ..


        a lot of silence


        and then --
        you carry your life like straw

   i shake mi head

        i do listen to you
        you know

   i know you do

        i was playing

   were you

        do you know who i am

   -- i shake mi head
      this time --

        you infuriate me
        you really do

   it's just
   oh
   someone asked me
   to hurt them once
   when we were
   in a very similar
   position



        i am not them

   aren't ya

        no i am not
        you project your memories
        on to me

   do i

        yes

   yes
   there is that
   but there's something other
   and i don't want to hurt you
   even if you want me to

       i was playing

   -- i think back
      to other memories
      of the other
      and some others
      giggle and say --

   well i suppose
   that's alright then


       the other shakes their head --
       with you may be
       but with me not

   oh -- says i

       did you hurt them

   who
   oh nayow
   did i fuck
   i told them
   they couldn't have it

   er
   do you mind
   if i make some more coffee


   er
   good throw
   thanks for the pillow
   what was that for

      you know
      dr china man

   oh no
   it's not that
   or may be it is
   you must admit
   we've been some how trapped
   and trapped how ourselves
   in a series of jokes

   oh
   another pillow

   here
   have them back
   have plumped them
   a'll not be long ye
   you got enough juice
   i know you have
   am only messing

   here
   a dun't have to back tomorrow
   well it's today really init
   mi welsh mate says
   no ones indispensable
   and a believe him

   do you fancy sleeping
   for a bit

   just cuddling up
   and sleeping for a bit
   yeah

      yeah

    yeah

    a'll not be long

      where you going now

    the coffee

      i thought you wanted
      to go to sleep

    i do
    the coffee won't stop me

      oh

    i'll not be long ..


    .. and i wasn't
    that time ..

      you smell of tea

    i know
    we have twinings
    english breakfast

      you're warm

    so are you

      what time is it

    dunno
    difficult to tell
    by the light alone
    does it matter

     no
     not today

    goodie

     yes
     goodie

    have you ever been
    so close
    to someone
    that yor dreams overlap
    as yor lives do too
    you some how have become
    pair bonded
    by an admixture
    of all kindsa a and e
    set ups of the self
    and the other
    of the selves
    and the others
    but yor bonded some how
    as opaque as it is to others
    at least on occasion
    in every sense
    the bond between you
    is crystalline
    is stark, solid
    or appears so
    but really
    you are really two
    like a stuck nut and a bolt
    is really two
    or like two stones
    that have been placed together
    are not really one
    but are kept two
    to be stept upon
    a path maybe
    stepping stones

       hey
       hold it mister
       do not dismiss me
       so quickly

    do you call this quick

    ouch

    no i didn't mean that

    i mean

    i love you

    oh

    that made you tense

      yes

      don't say that
      why did you say that

    it felt right
    it feels correct

      don't
      as soothing as your voice is
      i feel threatened by that

      in any case sherlock
      don't say that to me
      you say that to many
      and i am not the many
      do not dismiss me
      with it

    i wasn't
    you aren't
    yor here arn't ya

      oh

      i suppose there is that
      but i wouldn't much store
      by that

      ouch
      you nipped

    a was just playing

     oh

     oh

    oh
    had best get back
    tomorrow though

    ouch

     why did you say that then

    sorry
    i made you tense again
    listen
    it doesn't matter poppet
    since we first met
    you've been in my head
    where ever i am
    one way or another
    yor there
    it's weird
    it's like the world changed
    or i changed
    or something
    but had best get back tomorrow
    have got stuff to do
    and i guess you have too
    ok

     ok what

    ok
    did poppet stick then ok

     what

    well you've not said yet
    don't call me poppet

     oh
      no
     not there
      here


     oh
    do you know
    the first time

      what
     your cunning plan
      oy
      where you going
      back up here you

     no
    oh
     no, not when you gave me
     the present, no the time
     when we held hands
    in france

      yes, i remember france
      what present

     you know, earlier, juicy
     but in france i felt
     we felt that change together

      yes
       that sounds lovely
        but i find that repeating
         sniff of kebab
          very off putting

     oh
     i'll go brush
     mi teeth


     i go clean mi teeth
     as quick as can
     and return --

     yor dismissed !

     does that sound better than

     yor sacked !

     or is about the same

         -- the other shakes
            their head --

     i love it
     when you do that
      do you remember in the summer
      you told me that time share patio story
      about the lass who fell asleep
      in a deckchair up tight
      against the bloke who lived below
      who'd slipped in to coma,
      remember the greek wife came back
      just in time to stop the coma
      from turning in to a full stop

        yes
        very well

      what was the name
      of that lass' publication again
      weren't it somat eclectic
      like
      ecphrasis in elizabethan poetry

       no
       that's a different story

     oh
      are you positive

       yes
       ah
        you are squiggling again

     oh
      sorry about that
     and a'd cautioned it
      to be on it's best behaviour too
      oh,
       yor eyesafizzing poppet

       sssh

    no a know
     a will sssh in a sec cold hands
      oo .. that's a funny place to warm 'em
     but do you know that pair on the patio
      if there was a next time
      do you think
      they'd treat each other
      more carefully

        -- the other nods slowly
        and so do i ...


-- fg


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                         two
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