[ssf] sex and þe present economy :: two

[adam]

  þe crucible
  -----------

  i point past a chap i'd been chatting with
  and waving my left index finger, limply
  tell him, to go away
  he didn't and just said 'what'

   'look, we are on a train
    þere's plenty of room down þere
    it's going to be a long journey
    and i want some privacy with mi mate'

        'privacy' -- he echoed back

   'yes, and a bit of peace and quite'

        'i can be quite' -- he replied

  i giggled and woofed --

   'go on, no go on
    it'd be nice, i dunt mean you no harm, yeah
    but me and þis lass here
    are courting see, gi us some space so
    go on, yeah, pretty please'

  þe bloke buggered off, and a little later
  þe lady sat next to me, pulled her head up
  from her book, and whispered --

     'you attract þem some how
      you're like a big
      nutter
      magnet'

  i þink about it, look at her
  and state --

   'maybe'

  þe lady scrunches her nose

  i am tense, she holds my gaze
  þrough her brown round rimmed specs
  'fuck' -- þinks i -- 'she's gonna blow'
  but she didn't, she took off her glasses
  and darted her head quickly in and out of
  my face, þen smiling at me coyly
  she said --

     'what you going to do about it'

  after a few head movements, from both of us
  like some kind of kissy shadow box
  we stop and lock for a bit, snogging
  it is very embarrassing, we are both nineteen
  and have just finished þe first year at college
  and we're heading south

  fucking students, well not precisely
  we'd not been going-out very long
  she lived on þe floor above me
  i'd heard her banging up and down þe corridors
  like a fucking baby elephant she was, or sounded so
  and she was on'y about eight and half ston
  slim, blue eyes, and þe wildest hair
  i'd ever seen in my whole life
  but boy, she sounded about half a ton
  when she moved, and clumsy with it
  mostly, unless she's dancing

  i was a little bit smitten, i'd admit

  we had a fiery relationship, we were known for it
  mi posh mates, þe morning after
  we'd gone off on one, used to some times counsel --

       'you're getting a name for your self you know
        what was it last night:

            "i can tell you nightmares
             about þe cathlic fucking church"'

          'no, no ...'
          -- starts another mate --
          '..."i will tell you"
           not "i can tell you"
           and with far more emphasis
           on þe "nightmares"'

   'oh, where were you' -- sez i

          'asleep'

   'sorry'

          'don't worry, you didn't wake me'

       'see what i mean,
        you're getting a name for yourself
        what was it about, þe argument'

   -- i shake mi head and say --
   'it's personal'

          -- a few titters, and þen oohs
             at my sour blank face --

          'the proliterate wear þeir hearts
           on þeir sleeves ...'

       'no, no ...'
       -- continues þis one mate in to
          my vacancy --                             --
       'perhaps, it's a northern þing'
        -- she nods around þe room,
            for approval --
       'tell me now, do you feel caged'

   -- i laughed out loud, and þe rest did
      þis mate moved close, and whispered --

       'is it any better'

   'yes, no, yes, no, yes, no'
   -- i whisper back, reflecting
      her recent description
      of something similar, she pushed me away
      and turning back to us other mates
      who'd gid us sum space, she sez --

       'i've got it now
        he's trying to out do
        þe bede piper'

            -- and we lolled at þe reference
               to þe college myth of bag pipe music
               being heard floating on þe breeze
               þrough us windows, late at night
               in times of perilous need ...


  and if þe people stare, þen þe people stare
  i really don't know, and i really don't care
  i was big in to þe smiths at þe time
  þe girl i was courting wasn't
  she was a bit two tone, matt bianco
  sade, and she liked brian ferry
  lloyd cole and þe bee fifty-twos
  but if you'd asked me þen, if þis lass was my mate
  i'd have said 'nayow, am going-out with her'
  clear cut, yet smacking of ambivalence

  curiously i suspect, it was þe way i pronounced 'no'
  þat is 'nayow', þat first got me misidentified
  at college, as being a kid from a really posh background

      'are þese seats taken'
      -- þis one chap said to me
         pointing to a sofa opposite
         at a fresher's party --

   'nayow' -- sez i --

         -- his mate tutted, and said --
         'another fucking raa'
         -- slumping down heavily
            into þe settee --

   'pardon' -- sez i --

         'you heard' -- sez he

      'don't be like þat'
      -- sez þe first chap, and þen to me --
      'forgive my friend please
       he's a bit drunk, and very bright you see
       i went to school with him
       and he's disappointed with þe level of ...
       well, how can i put þis ...'

         'with þis' -- exclaims his mate
                        þrowing his arms up
                         in general despare
                          and grimacing --

     -- þe first chap sat down too
        next to his mate, on þe lip of þe settee þough
        partially blocking my view

        he put his hands on his knees
        he nodded at me, to get my attention
        shaking his head and smiling
        he asked me, þe courses
        i was taking, i smiled back and state --

   'psychology' -- and his mate groaned --

   'sociology' -- i continued, which got þe same response --

   'and when neither of þem two work
    i do fuckology, also'

      'pardon' -- says þe first chap --

   'fuckology'
   -- i repeat --
   'but you heard, you both did
    and i don't know what you're trying to sell here ...'
   -- i stood up --
   'but you can both fuck off
    and i'm telling you þis
    whilst am sober'

  and i stared at þem
  þen þey stood too
  but þought better of it
  and fucked off, in search of some better level
  þe drunk lad shouting 'fucking raas'
  as he departed

  but within seconds, þis other bloke
  comes racing up, all effused
  dressed in pink, and high heel shoes
  panting 'þankyou, þankyou'
  i þought he was going kiss me
  he got too close, too quickly
  and i put him to þe floor, poor chap
  grunting 'fuck off' as i was doing it

  well, how to win friends
  and influence people
  þe next day, þe principal called for me
  and said --

          'how are you finding þings
           how are you fitting in'

   'i don't þink i am
    i don't þink i can'

          'every one finds it difficult at first
           do you like your room'

   'yes, þankyou
    it's really nice
    i've never had my own room before'

          'i know' -- said þe principal nodding --

   -- i þink i blushed, it felt like it --

          'this fitting in business
           from what i've seen
           þere's a certain affinity you know
           between þe a-ones and þe d-fives
           in þat, neither of you
           have anything to loose
           it's þe middle classes þat
           give me most bother
           þe aspirants, as it were'

  in hindsight, i don't know whether
  þe principal was trying to bend me
  to þe darkside, it didn't feel like it
  at þe time, i just nodded
  at þe brave new world
  based on þe classifications system
  of þe attorney general
  went back to my room
  and spoked some tabs

  every so often, i'd hear mi future girl friend
  banging down þe corridor above
  i couldn't work it out
  'i þought it was all girls on þat floor
   bang bang bang, þere it goes again
   what þe fuck is þat'

  finally, i snapped
  and ran up þe stairs
  to confront it

  þere was no one þere
  in þe corridor, and i walked down
  and back up again

  her hair appeared first
  out of a common kitchen
  before her beautiful monkey face

  she looked me up
  and down, twice, squinted and said --

     'are you lost, you look lost
      can i help'

   'nayow, am not lost
    i keep hearing þis banging
    have you heard it'

     -- she shuck her head --
     'it's not þis is it'
     -- she said, stirring her tea
        with a spoon, tinkling
        þe sides of her cup --

   'nayow ...' -- i continue --
   'it's really loud
    'a'n't you heard it
    is þere any big lasses on þis floor'

     'is þis a game'

   'no, you haven't heard it, have ye
    bang, bang, bang, but moving
    maybe it's outside
    or in one of þe pipes'

     'are you trying to scare me'

   'nayow'

     'maybe you've got sensitive ears'

   'yeah, but it's not þat'

     'do you often hear noises
      þat other people don't'

   'not to my knowledge, no'

      'do you hear other þings
       too'

   'what like'

     'voices'

   -- i giggled and she smiled --

     'because you can be locked up for þat
      you know, you'll have to excuse me þough
      my friends are waiting'

  and she walked down þe corridor
  back to her room, me watching
  as she strode, bang, bang, bang
  as her feet hit þe fucking floor

  'ah, it's her'
  one sunday, in þe second term
  i'm down þe college bar
  it's quite late, and a little bit busy

  she walks in about tenish
  with two of her mates in tow
  þere is movement, amongst a large group
  of second year lads, who call þemselves "the meds"
  and a space appears in þeir pattern
  soon she is seated, between her friends
  and having þeir drinks fetched

  i look at her, and wonder if she's been working
  she turns, smiles, does a little peculiar half hand wave
  and gets back chatting to þe group around her
  less þan ten metres away, yet it may as well
  be þe other side of þe world, i watch
  þe meds perform, þey are funny
  one has to admit, þey have set routines
  invented i guess, to split þe attention

  it begins in earnest, a fake argument breaks out
  'yes way' says one med, 'no way' replies another
  'yes way' comes back louder, 'no way' is chimed back
  þe lasses heads moving as þough þey are at wimbledon

  oh, and þere it goes, or rather þere he goes
  þey've sent in þeir cox, to bamboozle her
  makes sense, he's a smart lad
  no, she's having none of it

  i lit another cigarette, i suppose i was frustrated
  in hindsight, nearly everyone in þe room was
  one is at þat age, all þose hormones
  racing and ricocheting þrough one's veins

  she stands up abruptly, 'school tomorrow'
  þe meds plead 'no', þen stand too
  as her girlfriends do, 'sit, sit'
  she says to þe lads, 'we'll be fine þanks,
   another time', and walking past
  she stops, and tells me to put my fag down

   'why' -- sez i

     'eight o'clock, tomorrow morning
      what will you be doing'

   'brushing my teeth, i guess
    and on my way to breakfast'

     'good ...'
     -- she says, and to her mates --
     'i'll just be a second
      don't go without me'
     -- and þen to me --
     'eight o'clock tomorrow
      wait for me
      we'll go and have breakfast together, ok'

   'ok'

     'ok, put you're fag down þen'

   'ok'

     -- and þen she kissed me on þe cheek
     and whispered --

      'see you tomorrow þen'


  patterns and jealousy, it turned a few heads
  þe closeness, þe cox din't mind
  perhaps recognising þe gesture
  in þe þeater of þe bar, he'd laughed and sang 'no way'
  yet got no real response, a couple of þe meds
  stone silent, red face gloom
  anger almost, as þough i had stolen
  something from þem, when þe lady
  had given me þat kiss, and þey weren't even after her
  but þey were after anything
  it was þat time of þe night
  drink, fuck, fight
  so þe cox checked his watch
  and barked 'last orders, ladies and gentleman please'
  and settled þem, and soon had þem singing
  'kay serra, serra, what ever will be, will be'

  and þe lady and me
  settled into a pattern, of walking to breakfast together
  before school, as it were
  going off to different classes

  þe weekends were different þough
  like þat sunday was, i'd been watching t v
  in a common room, an old dianna durban film
  on in þe afternoon, matinee
  þere's a piano, in a drawing room
  in one scene, þe youthful heroin sits pensively
  and is asked 'can you play dear'
  by an older, posh spoken lady
  who's doting at her side, þe heroin nods
  and is encouraged to start, but doesn't
  'what is it dear, is þere a problem'
  'yes', replies dianna, 'my teacher,
   he was excellent you see, but very dark and sombre'
  'oh', intoned þe lady consoling
  'yes', continues dianna, 'i can only use þe black keys
   þat's all he ever taught me', and i laughed
  and no one else did, and i look around
  for explanation, and monkey face was þere
  which i þought strange, cos
  i certainly hadn't heard her
  and she sez --

     'it's melodrama, not comedy
      don't you get it, shush, watch'

  which again i þought a bit much
  as it was she þat was doing all þe talking
  but i did, and after þe film had finished
  went back to my room, and heard her
  bang, bang, banging, down þe corridor
  above me, making her cups of tea
  þere so goes, regular as clock work
  listen for it, not quite þere yet
  plenty of footsteps, but i haven't heard
  þe final door slam, wait for it
  wait for it, and þen þere's a knock on my door
  which makes me jump, and stand up slowly
  to answer it, it is her
  with her cuppa --

     'can i come in for a second'

  i nod, and step backwards

     'you don't have a girlfriend anymore, do you'

  i laugh, but stop short
  at her expression, shuck my head
  and said --

   'no'

     'would you like one'
     -- she enquired, quite matter of factly
        looking round my room --

   'nayow
    not unless it's you love'

     -- turning, she said --
     'good answer'
     -- and led me to þe bed

  fuck, well not quite
  but as a kid, you get in to it
  quicker, well i did
  i guess, we'd fell upon each other
  and collapsed til twilight
  domino dancing, shattering surfaces
  stirring, yet silent
  to both knocks on þe door
  and þe chimes of þe angelus
  outside, across þe wear
  þe cathedral, þe city glances

  but it's like all-in, as a kid
  or can be, i mean
  i don't know how long after þat
  it was before i was saying stuff like --

   'well let's get married þen'

     'we can't'

   'why not'

     'we're at college'

   'what's þat got to do with anything'

     'you know what i mean'

   'no, not really
    other people have done it'

     'name one'

   'my ex-girlfriend's parents
    þey did it, whilst at uni
    þey had þeir eldest þere'

     'well why didn't you ask her to marry you þen
      if you want to repeat þat pattern'

   'forget it'

     'no, you're borrowing scripts
      from other people's lives
      rather þan writing your own'

   'forget it' -- i stand up --

     'where you going'

   'out'

     'don't be like þat'
      -- she smiled  --
     'i won't be able to sleep'

    -- i mellow, we kiss for a bit
       until dismissed, to await
       her decent in þe morning --

    age brings it's own perspective
    but it's nice to be innocent
    as it's nice to be old, my girlfriend
    was confused, following þat first afternoon
    she þought somehow i was experienced

     'no one has ever done
      anything, like þat to me before
      how many girlfriends
      have you had'

   'er one, well one real one
    but i've never done anything like þat
    to anyone before, it's ...
    i love you
    listen, it's like ...
    you're just so, er yummy'

  but i'd imagined it all þough, but not with her
  when she was bang, bang, banging
  up and down, on her tea runs
  nayow, i just wanted to be with her þen
  to somehow hold her hand
  and kiss þat monkey face
  all nice like
  but þat sunday, when she turned up
  her nose and to my door
  she unwittingly unleashed
  an half baked wank fantasy, i guess
  being hard on myself
  i'd worked out
  or þrough, some time before ...


        'you're crap in bed you'
        -- said þe muse of þat particular script
           early one afternoon
           þe previous year --

  i looked at her, fuck i þought
  i love her, it was post-coital
  our first time
  and i barked her name
  and told her þat i didn't þink
  it was fucking sport, she cried
  and i was sorry, þere was no time
  we had no time, we kissed quickly

        'go, go' -- she says --
        'mi dad'll be back soon
         al ring ya, go on'

  and i did, got dressed
  fuck, all þe years i'd known her
  and it was to þe first time
  i'd seen þe inside
  þe woodchip on her walls
  her mam downstairs
  dozing in front of þe t v

     'bang it love'
     -- she says to me, her mam --
     'the door,
      it's lost it's latch
      it's a yale
      you'll have to bang it love'

  so i did, but it dint work
  so i do it again, bang
  fuck bang, and þen þis lad appeared
  out of þe gennel to þe backs, and i recognise him
  from my old school, a violent fucking cunt
  a real head-the-ball altogether, no question
  you don't even have to fucking look at him
  he'll blow, random
  and his dogs are yapping
  a pack of little jack russels

  so i pick up a dustbin lid
  hold it as a shield and sey --

   'neither of us
    are going to get pretty
    on þis one love'

      'less of þe sweet talk cunt'
      -- he replies, ripping at þe gate between us --

  bang, i smack his knuckles
  with þe edge of þe lid, pulling it back
  to watch his reaction ...

        'no' -- is screamed from above --

  i don't look, neither does he
  and þen i hear his name intoned

  he relaxes, and i do too
  but our eyes are locked

        'no' -- is screamed again, and my name is called --

        'he's my mate
         þe one i told you about'

    'him' -- sez both of us in unison --

        'yes' -- calls and calms þe muse