[ssf] sex and þe present economy :: þree
adam
adam at diamat.org.uk
Thu Mar 10 14:08:01 UTC 2011
an unfinished conversation
--------------------------
i.
my first girl friend
was pretty cut up about it
when we split, i told her
i wanted to go out with someone
my own age, which was daft
because we were both seventeen
at the time, but i was
the year above her at school
and a few months
can make all the difference
when you're young, anyway
i didn't quite get it
i mean, understand why
she took the divorce so bad
i apologised, the last time i met her
which was very much my want
when i was twenty one
and told her, i thought i kinda kopped it
remembering where my head had gone
when my second girl friend had dumped me
she looked at me, my first girl friend
rubbed her little nose with her hand like this
pushed her glasses up and said --
'it stings you know
that you could feel so much
for this women, and not one tenth as much
for me, i suppose one seldom appreciates
that which comes to one freely'
i know, i replied
that's what i telled her
well, the first bit anyway
when she was similarly fucked off
by the bloke she split from
after me, but if it's any consolation
it doesn't sting any more
it just stang at the time
i am not your girl friend
i know, i was talking about self harm
and influence,
tell me
do you think the truth, so to speak
the whys and wherefores of nine eleven
matter
cos i don't, not really
very few things do, and in any case
who wants to hear the truth
the ugly unpalatable truth
by its self
and, there we have it
the compromise and domesticity of age
of course the truth matters
why
otherwise, you are basing
your reality on lies
there is that
yet age
brings its own perspective
compromise,
nay weakness
and self censorship
sticks and stones
robot, practitioner of systemic patriarchy
wow, a dictionary attack
i suppose i haven't seen you in a while
azadeh says i should consider my self lucky
when ever you get in touch, she sez
it feels like holy war
ah,
i should have known
you'd have been here on her behalf
now where getting to the bottom of things
manikin
by any other name a rose
listen, this dice game
none game, metagame
suppose you had to chose
but the one face
to look upon, that face
as pretty as you might find it
is bound at its borders to others
in fact, in one way
they are what define it
giving it solidity and perimeter
don't you think
no, well everyone has their own perspective
and habits, for that matter
and one i've kicked, if only relatively recently
is saying to folk, who are threatening suicide
convince me it's your best option
and i'll do it with you
it's a lot of work
and as a matter of ethics
because you know what
sometimes, it just might be
am going to get some more coffee
or rather tea
do you want some
ii.
this game
yes
metagame
yes
one lives and dies
by one's metaphors
can one
yes
why are you laughing
er, i'm not sure
it sounds so final
set in stone
old testament almost
you are back to her again
you obviously have a problem with her
yes, she is controlling
manipulative
well everybody is, or can be
to a lesser or greater extent
no, it is more than that
the stories she tells
the way she acts
she's turned you all
in to marionettes
and to what end
who benefits
i don't know, but from how she lives
i don't think she does, at least materially
listen to yourself
you are transforming her
in to saint
and she is nothing more
than a reality buffer
a reality buffer
that's a new one
it is not a laughing matter
time is of the essence
it always was
it is not like that for me
and, i am here aren't i
listen, i don't know what
inspires azadeh sometimes
but sometimes, i think it's you
because she said so once
when i asked her --
she was talking with a group of kids
they were arguing about anything
and nothing, and we were walking past
a big shop window, and they were pulling faces
at each other, and their reflections
and she suddenly starts up --
did i ever tell about the time
i got a job at chester zoo
well, the little ones went for it
immediately, but the bigger ones
had by now wised up, and carried on
their tormenting, using their learning
as ammunition, until aza
told them, how she was thrown in
quite literally, at the deep end
on day one, when she was tasked
with cleaning the glass
of the octopus tank
she took them back to the window
and asked them to think
how they would do it
and what tools
they would require
well, they came up with their suggestions
the littler ones acting it out
with bits of litter, and puddle water
the taller ones, talking in terms
of ladders, detergents, and rubber cleaners
and we watched them for a bit
and then she sez --
yes, yes, all of those are right
and that's what i did first
with a big yellow bucket
as i remember, but
what tools do you think
i used, to clean
the inside of the tank
well, again they came up
with their suggestion
and we started walking --
easy -- says one --
use the ladder
to get on top of the tank
and put your rubber wiper
at the end of a long pole
didn't work -- says aza --
couln't get enough leverage
the insides, were sticky like glue
i had to scrape it off
i don't think any one
had done it in yonks
and i couldn't use the detergent
because of the octopus
did you use vinegar
mummy uses vinegar
-- sez one --
no, do you know
what i did use
my little steel scraper
like this
-- she sez --
an air bottle
on my back, and a face mask
underwater breathing apparatus
glug, glug, glug
-- and she pretending to swim a little
breathing in and out noisily
carried on with her scraping
the kids copying her ...
stop, enough
she has her life
and i have mine
yes, and that is a good thing
yes
iii.
did that question
sound rhetorical
it wasn't
metagames
yes
mind games
yes
nine eleven
yes
are you saying
it may have been
in the best interest
of the people responsible
to act in the way that they did
and as a matter of ethics
you really couldn't
comment on the matter
no
well what are you saying then
to whom, to the protagonists
it doesn't matter, it is too late
isn't it
but when i mentioned ethics
i meant those
who are terminally ill
and suffering
oh
but there's a big difference
between suffering, and suffering
isn't there, as any well rehearsed suicide
can vocalise
we each have our silos
i mean to live
at one level of abstraction
is nothing but to suicide slowly
in that we are going to die
at some point or another
er, i mean, whatever one fears
about the teachings of islam
one best not forgot
about some readings
of camus
but to them
the people who did it
if had had the chance
i'd have probably said something pithy
like, i very much doubt
you'd create this mess
in the first place
if you could be some how made
to clear it up after
it is not enough
you don't get it do you
nine eleven was used
to start a perpetual war
it is a creation myth, in form
the twenty first century
big bang
ah, i wouldn't go that far
it is, that is how it was used
by whom
can't you see it, fight the good fight
with all thy might, all sins forgiven
heroes everyone of them, of you
join our church, rejoice rejoice
oh, you mean how it was portrayed
the repetition
yes
listen, it is a story
i know
no, i mean listen
what is wrong with this story:
"mummy cooked some lovely soup
for tea last week,
there was lots left over
we put it in the freezer
in an air tight container
and had it again
for tea last night
it was yummy"
as a story, what is wrong with it
i don't know what you are talking about
as a story, it has no dilemma
so
creation myths have dilemmas
no, you are wrong
nine eleven has dilemmas
many dilemmas
yes i know
but it didn't create anything
it created war
and why tell me
the story about the soup
er, not sure
i'm hungry i guess
but it didn't create war
the story, did it
people create war
just like people create soup
but if you like
i'm happy to compromise
on calling it
a destruction myth
i find your humour irritating
you know what i mean
the world changed
at a fundamental level
i disagree, and am sorry
if you find my humour irritating
i've been like this in crisis
since i was little
but i disagree, for instance
the laws of physics are still the same
but i mainly disagree
to the label
'creation myth'
it felt like you were throwing it
in the hope, it'd stick
well, it did a bit
and, what ever happened
at a fundamental level
it was an exhibition
of extreme violence and selfishness
by people who looked
grown up
so, nothing novel
or creative really
don't pretend
my hearing
don't pretend to know
don't pretend you know
any one's motive
you are correct
i don't know anyone's motive really
but what i know of my own
i do try to keep in check
listen, this truth you think that matters
i don't know it, it has no meaning to me
you prefer lies, fiction
fairy tails
er, i meant
i don't think that way
and i don't think it's efficient
in any case
efficient
yes, efficient
in transforming
problem behaviours
problem behaviours
yes, problem behaviours
oh physician cure thyself
which one
i mean which behaviour
divorce
oh,
why is it, that feminists
have a problem with divorce
had have thought, you'd have liked it
i am not arguing as a feminist
then your argument
lacks congruence
listen this war, this mode of exploitation
it's been ticking on
for a long time now, nine eleven didn't start it
just a blip on the graph so to speak
you are deflecting
am i
yes you are
i know that i need a wee
all these fluids i guess
and i fancy another
wait one, don't worry
i'll lift the seat
iv.
that water's cold
do you like string
string, do you like string
it's a daft question i know
like who has any feelings
let alone big feelings
about string, or opinions
for that matter --
"do you like string"
have heard it used as a chat up line
folk will say owt, won't the'
like, have you heard this one --
"no strings ye, just for tonight ye"
fancy hearing that
or saying that
where you'd have to be in your head
to say it
where it might send your head
to hear it
but there's always strings
isn't there, even if it's just missing
the last bus home
but sometimes, you might be wanting to have strings
with the other person, in fact
that's why you're there in the first place
the rest is just icing or purgatory
depending on your perspective
and they may feel the same way too
and there you have it
marriage
ah, that's why you do it
you don't like the strings
no, i don't mind string
and any way, it doesn't matter
there's always strings
int there
i don't think so
no
no, i think you're wrong
it wouldn't surprise me
but i don't think it matters
marriage is one thing
kids are another
creation myths
you know yourself, both sides of the border
children are taught about henry the eighth
and his break from rome
we're born in to these stories, aren't we though
i don't know, i once was in a lecture
and the mathematician who gave it
said, we don't know anything really
about the world, we make it all up
from day one, we receive stimuli
and clues to what's out there
and how to function in it
our brains try to make sense of it all
and we build a map, but this map
is inside of us, and is not the world
which is strange really, because
we tend to put this map, out side of us
call it the world, and live right at its centre
which is kinda getting things, back to front
don't you think
are you trying to hypnotise me
what with, mathematics
don't try it on,
you know what i mean
no, not really
well i suppose yes i am
in that i'm talking to you
i mean, you can't get away from it
can you, when one chats
we influence each other
but i think you can take
the mathematician's point
we don't know really
but we learn to live, and move
about, modes of locomotion
like when you're a kid, slowly
falling over becomes controlled
we learnt to walk by stumbling
and the world takes on a human shape
and we take notice
and react, and act accordingly
i suspect dogs
live in an overlapping doggie shaped world
with their little doggie models
concentrating their interest
and behaviour on doggie type things
like food, vaser, and other doggie bums
i suspect all animals are the same
cats, likes lions
and tiggers for instance
or dragons, and unicorns
back to fairy stories
ye, but real nevertheless
in that the lion and the unicorn
prop up the royal standard
in a few folks' coats of arms
the unicorn
is thought to represent christ
in certain circles
more fairy stories
symbolism
but grounded in stories yes
more about virgins than fairies though
no, propaganda
and false flags
and false names
wales isn't wales is he
he's mountbatten, or saxafuckingcoberg
or who knows what, they've changed their names
so many times now, i bet they don't even know
what their real name is
as i say, fantasy
what you having a go at her for
who
de queen
do you know her
i know anger
listen, she's not ye enemy
don't do that
coronation mimics marriage
and visa versa
who do you think she got hooked up with
in fifty three
pomp, and a fat pay check
symbolism, and a queen shaped world
but what ever her name is
i understand she is a parent
and parents are parents nevertheless
no, or rather
unfortunately yes
i know some selfish ones
if that's what you mean
listen
there's a trick
the contractors used to play
on the engineering staff
childish really, they'd ask
one of us a question, get a reply
they didn't like, wait a bit
then ask exactly the same question
to another one of us
'can i do this please chief'
you know how it goes
a lot of kids are the same
with their economies
figuring out, which parent
or who to ask, and for what
and working on the splits
if they can
you know though, some folk
have been brought up
where it's taken ages for any split to appear
two, or more people, but just the one voice
often patriarchal, yet not always
bringing up baby, in their one fold
many fold image, with their common answers
rules and regulations
and kids who've been brought up
by the one voice
will tend to believe it
because they know no other
and if that one voice
should tell them
out of comfort, or the contrary
that, even if that child
can't see them
it doesn't matter
for they are being watched
all the time
and will be dealt with accordingly
then, the kid will believe this one too
because it is a big part
of their world, that voice
and it starts their model
the apparent omnipresence of parents
has anyone ever said this
to you --
"stick your tongue out please ...
oh, that's interesting
there's a black spot upon it
that means you've been lying"
well go on then, let's see it
stick your tongue out please
as you say, fantasy
v.
pervert
vert
what
vert, am testing it out
as an opposite of pervert
no, don't distract
you are
tract, i am what
a pervert
well, we tend to see in others
what we can see inside ourselves
don't we
what are you saying
just that, really
you listen now, none of this is any good
how so
it isn't, you're still distracting
maybe, but what from babe
you use a term of endearment now
now
and that one
whoops, what's up
er, i mean what's up wi that one
i am not your fantasy
well, as us irish ud sey
you are and you aren't, aren't you
i am not, throw it away
listen, i am well past that stage now
i don't want, i don't want
this
what this
i mean, this what
you
oh
good
i suppose
you know this you-business
i'm still getting used to it, you know
when i wo little, i seldom hea'd it
it wo all thee and tha
which, med things a lot simpler
like, if someone wo to say to ye
"a dunt want thi"
tha knew, what the' ment
if tha knows, wor a mean
it weren't a class-thing, this 'you'
like, a big-group-of-you
it was you, or rather thee
the 'individual', that the other
didn't want, or at least
didn't want
anymore
no, well not to worry
perversion
i contend
it is perverted to fuck a chicken
whilst fucking with feathers
is but a fetish
no
no, you're deflecting
ye
ye
ye,
i went over to mi nannas
when me and the mother of de eldest kids
were splitting, i didn't go for advice
i was just visiting, has i'd done
all my life, but of course they knew
what was happening, off the grape vine
and mi granddad, being mi granddad
voiced his own opinion
now, i loved mi granddad, i loved them both
i love them still
but when mi granddad had said his piece
and finished it off, with the one liner
about how his perspective was born from age
i said 'granddad, age doesn't matter does it
whatever view you value
and want to share, it might have just
took thee a long time to get there
that's all, age dunt matter
does it, i might already
have past ye'
what was he advising you to do
it doesn't matter
he'd always advised me to think for myself
and that's what i was doing
no, what was he advising you to do
it doesn't matter
it is content
not form
it doesn't, listen
when de first ex mrs and me
were splitting, it was pretty shitty
i mean, i was pretty shitty
boy could we argue, like that couple
of craggy island, who run the shop
and i said to her, 'why do you think
i'd want anything to do with her
when you finally fuck off'
and she took it on the chin
and said 'what you having a go at her for
don't you fucking love her'
'of course i fucking love her you mad cow'
'well then,' she says, 'she's only a kid
don't take it out on her,
pick on someone your size'
ah
that's it, isn't it
guilt
as you would say
don't pretend
to know any one's motive
i know her's
tell me now
when she was telling you
this story about the octopus
and said that she was thinking of me
did she have a tear in her eye
it was a dusty room
don't distract
she can turn on the water works
when ever she wants
you're daft, you are
a real live wire
it is isn't it, guilt
that's how she's got you
tethered, tied, and then
she only has to hint
at a thing, and that thing
is achieved, or brought to her
by marionettes, and
teacher's pets
not all relationships
are contractual
i'm not with you
time is of the essence
is a contractual term
and well, not all relationships
are contractual
some are social
some are domestic
and in those
one always has the option
of saying no
not the way she pulls your strings
guilt
yes, guilt
why should i feel guilty
about something shitty
i said i was going to do
but never did
because you said it
which means you thought it
ye, but i didn't feel it did i
i felt fucking angry
and was lashing out
and trying to lever
i don't know what
some sort of specific performance
out of my mrs / ex mrs
and time for that matter
i was on a train once
with a lass i was courting
and she said --
'some moments stick in my head for ever
it's like, i'll see something
or hear something, like an old bloke
talking to himself on a bus, and
it's as though, everything has a shuffle round
in my mind, and the world becomes clearer
all of a sudden'
da first ex mrs has a similar notion
and categorises these events
as being swivel points
the mad cow
moo
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